Slightly Sticky Man

There is no way on God's green earth to describe this story.

It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Slightly Sticky Man, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling abnormally concerned, Slightly Sticky Man punched a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he realized that his beloved pencil was missing!  Immediately he called his former cellmate, Somewhat Stoopid Boy. Slightly Sticky Man had known Somewhat Stoopid Boy for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones.  Somewhat Stoopid Boy was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... insensitive. Slightly Sticky Man called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Somewhat Stoopid Boy picked up to a very nervous Slightly Sticky Man. Somewhat Stoopid Boy calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats sneeze before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually indiscriminately belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Slightly Sticky Man.  Why was Somewhat Stoopid Boy trying to distract Slightly Sticky Man?  Because he had snuck out from Slightly Sticky Man's with the pencil only two days prior.  It was a flamboyant little pencil... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Slightly Sticky Man got back to the subject at hand: his pencil. Somewhat Stoopid Boy panicked. Relunctantly, Somewhat Stoopid Boy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the pencil. Slightly Sticky Man grabbed his rhinoceros and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Somewhat Stoopid Boy realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the pencil and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Slightly Sticky Man took the rice rocket, he had take at least ten minutes before Slightly Sticky Man would get there.  But if he took the Hippy Van?  Then Somewhat Stoopid Boy would be very screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Somewhat Stoopid Boy was interrupted by four abrasive larks that were lured by his pencil. Somewhat Stoopid Boy panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he randomly reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and aimlessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Hippy Van rolling up.  It was Slightly Sticky Man.


   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late.  With a apt leap, Slightly Sticky Man was out of the Hippy Van and went sassily jaunting toward Somewhat Stoopid Boy's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Somewhat Stoopid Boy was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the pencil into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Somewhat Stoopid Boy was concerned but at least the pencil was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   "Come in," Somewhat Stoopid Boy flamboyantly purred.  With a heroic push, Slightly Sticky Man opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless noble genius in a deliciously practical 4-door,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Somewhat Stoopid Boy assured him. Slightly Sticky Man took a seat alarmingly close to where Somewhat Stoopid Boy had hidden the pencil. Somewhat Stoopid Boy grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  "Uhh, can I get you anything?'", he blurted.  But Slightly Sticky Man was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Somewhat Stoopid Boy noticed a dimwitted look on Slightly Sticky Man's face. Slightly Sticky Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   "...What's that smell?"

   Somewhat Stoopid Boy felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Slightly Sticky Man asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the pencil right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A annoying look started to form on Slightly Sticky Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier". Slightly Sticky Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Somewhat Stoopid Boy could react, Slightly Sticky Man deftly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The pencil was plainly in view.

   Slightly Sticky Man stared at Somewhat Stoopid Boy for what what must've been four minutes. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Somewhat Stoopid Boy groped charismatically in Slightly Sticky Man's direction, clearly desperate. Slightly Sticky Man grabbed the pencil and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Somewhat Stoopid Boy let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Slightly Sticky Man,' he rebuked. Somewhat Stoopid Boy always had been a little clueless, so Slightly Sticky Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Somewhat Stoopid Boy did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his pencil tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Somewhat Stoopid Boy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Slightly Sticky Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Slightly Sticky Man. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Somewhat Stoopid Boy walked over to the window and looked down. Slightly Sticky Man was gone.


   Just yonder, Slightly Sticky Man was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Somewhat Stoopid Boy's place. Slightly Sticky Man had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral larks suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the pencil.  One by one they latched on to Slightly Sticky Man.  Already weakened from his injury, Slightly Sticky Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of larks running off with his pencil.

   About five hours later, Slightly Sticky Man awoke, his double chin throbbing.  It was dark and Slightly Sticky Man did not know where he was.  Deep in the inhospitable disease-infested jungle, Slightly Sticky Man was exceedingly lost. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he remembered that his pencil was taken by the larks. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a oversized lark emerged from the haunted thicket.  It was the alpha lark. Slightly Sticky Man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the lark sunk its teeth into Slightly Sticky Man's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Slightly Sticky Man's lungs, but not before he realised that he was a failure.

   Less than eleven miles away, Somewhat Stoopid Boy was entombed by anguish over the loss of the pencil.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade.  With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his love handle.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Slightly Sticky Man... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the pencil that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant larks, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

Reviews

[KisuKimmi]

BRAVO! BRAVO! THE MOST AMAZING READ OF ALL TIMES! It is so amazing that amazingness is not amazing enought to describe the amazingness of amazingness.
>.>

[Scott Free]

Ha ha wow, this was...different. And random. I like random.
You know, with stuff like this, what can you criticize? A few things that caught my eye, however;
A lot of info-dumps going on at the beginning. You tell us that Somewhat Stoopid Boy is SSM's friend, but we'll be able to see this later on. It gets a bit boring, all the info-dumps you dump on the reader, and with writing like this you want to keep their attention all the time.
'Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he realized that his beloved pencil was missing! Immediately he called his former cellmate, Somewhat Stoopid Boy. Slightly Sticky Man had known Somewhat Stoopid Boy for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Somewhat Stoopid Boy was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... insensitive. Slightly Sticky Man called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.'
Most of this could go, IMHO. We will see that he is congenial though sometimes insensitive later on, when he tries to be congenial to SSM but ends up imprisoning him to keep the pencil.
Look for areas like this where you run the hazard of losing people's interest.
This was quite amusing, I liked that they were both fighting for a pencil and one of my favorite lines that kept showing up was that bit about the 'bleakness of life.'
Good job all-in-all, yet you want to keep the reader's attention.
See ya round!

~S

[Gregory Hill]

Larks have TEETH?

[Gregory Hill]

Haha It's great, there was a line in wich you left out a word in paragraph 3:
Because he had snuck out from Slightly Sticky Man's with the pencil only two days prior. It was a flamboyant little pencil... how could he resist?
You have "from Slightly Sticky Man's and then don't say what its from.

[Jared]

@ KisuKimmi: Perhaps I shall make a follow up! Thank you for your equally amazing review!