Eat Your Heart Out

Paisley is just one odd girl. With one odd habit.

The alarm went off continuously for about two minutes. It beeped and buzzed until Paisley thought her brain would bleed out though her ear, she slammed it off with a fist of morning anger.

Mondays…wonderful. She thought as she attempted to get up. It quickly failed and she laid there for a moment with her eyes closed, forcing herself to keep her mind a blank.

She had a morning ritual that she religiously practiced. Hitting the alarm, lying in bed for ten minutes or until her dad dragged her out, then the pajamas came off, and they were upsettingly replaced with sweats. After getting dressed, she dragged herself down the stairs, and would conjure up an un-tasteful bowl of cheap cereal.    

“Awe nothing else reassures me better than a bowl of stale cereal. Thank you dad! I have you to blame for my total optimism on this beautiful Monday!” she exclaimed loudly and sarcastically as she dropped her spoon into the bowl.

Her dad came down in a hurry shoving toast into his mouth. 

“And I love hearing such a positive tone from my beautiful daughter this early,” He said sarcastically as he smirked at her and rubbed her head, then reached over and picked up his car keys.

“Oh and Paise, I’m going grocery shopping today after work! So don’t forget to pick up Danni after his baseball practice; I love you, bye!” he blew a kiss and slammed the door.

What forty-seven year old man blows kisses, and how come I always have to get Danni, he’s not even my brother. He’s our neighbor… She thought as she wrote “Get Danni” on her hand. But knowing Danni was going through “Rough Times” Paisley decided not to fight it.

 

It was almost time to leave for school, but Paisley had one more thing she had to accomplish on her morning rituals list. Stomach full, she went down the hall to the right and entered the bathroom. She lifted up the toilet seat; she and gazed ever so blankly into the toilet bowl looking at the water. She shrugged, and spewed out her breakfast ever so shamelessly. It was the one thing, only one deep secret she hid from the world. She was Bulimic.

She couldn’t recall why or how it all started. She was never known as the fat girl, just the awkward one. She however never blamed it on the “world’s pressure” or lack of friends. All she knew was that whatever the reason was, it didn’t matter now; it was a habit that was needed to be fixed, to be stopped. But just like any mental illness you can’t do it alone, and Paisley, she was alone. She didn’t want to admit it, but she had independent side that refused her to go and ask for help, she figured she would beat the odds, and be that rare statistic that recovered all by herself. Although she didn’t realize that to beat something this powerful you have to fight the urge and stop the habits.

A girl like Paisley had no idea where to start, or even how to admit she had a problem. So she continued this habit, hoping she wouldn’t get caught, and that strategy work for a couple of years.

Now being seventeen it’s all she knew. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, were all washed away down the toilet or even the shower drain. After doing it for so many years she realized how much easier and shameless it became. But even though it was part of her personal life, it was never going to get in the way of her school or family life. She still went out to eat with her family, and never bragged about it at school, so no one had any idea. That’s the way she wanted it to be. Completely oblivious.

Arriving at school she sighed heavily, and looked at herself in the rearview mirror. 

“A new day is full of new smiles!” she said in a chipper voice as she bobbed her head back in forth robotically. She stopped and her smile went to a frown. “Or not.” She got out and slammed the door shut. 

Just when she thought her day was already turning sour she saw a boy skipping across the parking lot over to her as if he was in a field of flowers or something. She rolled her eyes and waited for him to get closer.

“Oh just in time to brighten my day. What’s up Danni boy?”

“Hey there my unhappy, unstylish, bestie-friend Paisley! Are you ready for some Biology?”

“No.” she bluntly replied.

“Wonderful!” he said spinning around her, as if he didn’t know that doing anything extra chipper on a Monday morning wouldn’t piss her off.

“Danni, don’t burn the school down.”

“My flames too big today?” he asked her shyly.

“Yes mam.” She chuckled. “Common, we got some frogs to dissect. Oh and hey Danni, maybe you’ll find your frog prince finally.” They walked to class linked by the arms.

Just like any typical school there were stereo types and clicks. Although Paisley was happily no part of any of it, that didn’t stop the school from putting her in one. Being the indifferent girl she was the local Preps placed her in two categories: the Freaks or the Outcasts. And oddly enough it made her laugh. Sure her best friend was her imaginary friend Peter. But that was what, six months ago? She figured the school would be over that whole thing since obviously, her and Peter don’t talk anymore due to “issues” as she publicly announced at lunch. The schools reaction to that odd act of bravery, she was dubbed an Outcast. And sure what if her pet Hedgehog Prince Albert was continuously brought to school? She had no one else to talk too really. That act had also nominated her to be in the Freaks click, which she did not happily accept.

But even walking into a simple Science class it had it downs. No one wanted to sit by her except Danni. And he was only in her life because their neighbors and her dad made her be-friend him due to his “Rough Times”.

She slid down in her chair gazing across the room. It smelt of chloroform and latex. It made her, and everyone else’s stomach turn and their nose crinkle up. The teacher gave the directions and away they went. Danni being the drama king he is refused to touch it saying he saw it move, even blink at him, so a couple kids laugh and gossiped about him as he stomped out of the room with his wrists up in disgust.

The day was long and unbearable. She found herself feeling very irritable since she didn’t get the opportunity to eat lunch, and vent her daily stress through heaving it all up. She wanted to get home, eat, and project out food. It always made her feel better, and she definitely wasn’t in the mood to wait two hours after school for Danni’s baseball to get over with. He didn’t even play the god damn sport, for he was the water boy. Or as he always said:

“I am for now, I will become super-star big!”

She didn’t buy it.

Anxiety reached new high levels and Paisley found herself putting her key in the ignition and driving home. Sure she felt so remorse for leaving Danni there all by himself, but she felt compelled to get home and eat.

 Arriving home to an empty house and an empty stomach she allowed the mental demon to possess her and it all became black from there. Carb after carb, and plate after plate, she devoured food as if she was a Holocaust survivor. It may have been a disturbing scene for some normal person to witness, but to her, it was all she knew.  When she had woken from her food coma, she found herself laying there by the toilet bowl feeling nothing but great success.

“Just another day I suppose.” She said in a low tone.

I feels good to let it all out, but what do normal girls, and normal teens do to let out there stress and their anger. What is it to be just a normal kid…? She always mentally questioned herself like that after having a bingeing session, but having this deep urge, and this deep desire to be normal; made some urges stronger and there was no point to fight it. 

After cleaning herself up and the plates; her dad finally came home with some groceries and some dinner. Paisley did find herself hungry again, and she didn’t want to seem odd not eating. So she ate dinner with her dad. He seemed a little upset so looking over her book she finally asked him.

“So how was your day dad? Any good stories you’d like to tell?”

Her dad put his burger down and sighed. “Paisley, Danni’s mom called me a couple minutes ago. She told me what had happened and I am very disappointed in you. You made him walk all the way home…You realize how many miles that is…correct?”

Paisley’s guilt finally set in, thinking about how long it takes to get to school just by car. She picked at her fries trying and praying that it would all be over with. She looked up at him to see his unsettling face.

 

“That’s uh…five miles I believe.” She finally responded. But being quick she snapped back at him “But I forgot Dad! It slipped my mind. I didn’t mean to Dad…” Hoping it would work, she flashed him with her glossy eyes of sadness. But it was shot down with a head shaken by disappointment.

“Paisley, I’m not dumb.”

She froze; all of her fears had been raised. Her heart pounded intensely and time stopped as she waited for what he was going to say next. 

“You have it written down on your hand. You have no excuse.”

 It felt as a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, or as if she was given a “Get out of jail” card. Instead of caring on this conversation she decided to give in.

“You’re right dad. I am sorry.” She try to say without trying to sounds sarcastic. By the way his body relaxed, she knew the fighting was over.

“Don’t let it happen again. And I expect you to call him and apologize for your actions. If this happens again I will take Prince Albert away from you.” He proudly crossed his arms as if he had just own the battle.

Paisley started to choke on her words, which never happened. “Dad! No! She’s all I have! If you take Prince Albert, I’ll be completely alone. Take my phone, my computer anything but her…”

Her dad sighed. And looked at the clock. “It’s not too late, just call Danni and go to bed Paisley…Dad loves you.” He said as he got up and kissed her forehead. He walked down the hall and went into this empty bedroom. She herd his door slowly shut.

Sighing deeply she entered her room and laid back down her bed. The day was about to reset itself and she had way too much on her mind. She laid her head down on her custom made pillow that was ironically the shape of a hamburger. She gazed at the clock with a glossy stare trying to fight back the tears, and it had worked this time. Her eyes slowly trailed from the clock to an old picture on the wall of a rather frail and beautiful women sitting next to a younger more ignorant version of Paisley.

Mom why did you have to leave me goddammit… You’d talk some sense into dad, into me. I miss you mom. She stared at the picture, how her mom’s auburn hair seemed to copy the feeling of autumn. How her pale skin, bright and alive she looked in the sun light. Then saw how she seemed to be the living and breathing clone of her mother, but with one thing that was different. Her silver eyes didn’t shine as bright as her mom’s.

“How does dad live with me,” she asked out loud. “how can he face me as I grow into the women he once loved?”

She finally gathered up the courage and dialed Danni’s phone number.

Voicemail…voicemail…please…please… Paisley thought over and over, and once again, she got lucky. His voicemail message went off and she cleared her voice as she waited for the beep.

“Hey Danni, I am sure you sent me to voicemail on purpose. Listen, I am sorry. I wish I could change the fact that I was a total prick today, but I can’t. I had to run home and feed Prince Albert. I totally spaced and forgot to feed her this morning so it kind made me freak out. Listen, I’ll make it up to you somehow. Once again, I am really sorry. Text me or something okay? Thanks, okay. Bye.”

She turned her phone off and turned off the light.

But as she started to daze off and soon fall asleep the universe was wide awake working on its karma. Danni looked at his phone and listened to his voicemail and with disgust he deleted it. He looked over at his friend who was filing his finger nails.

“God, Paisley just left me a message. Should I text her back Lillian?” He asked as he pulled his hand away and started to add the finishing touches to his nails.

Danni started to laugh as he turned to her.

“Why do you think that?”

 “She’s always home and has her curtains closed. You know what; I bet she is like killing off cats to the Devil or something. Why else could she dissect that frog so easily?” she started to laugh to herself as she added another unneeded layer of lip gloss on.

“Ha-ha I bet you, you’re right. I should be like a super detective and find out what she’s really doing...” he started to look around his room to find his camera. He pulled  it out of a pile of clothes and started to play with it. Then Lillian sat straight up and pulled him in.

“Oh my God I just had like the best idea ever,” She said clenching tighter and tighter on his polo collar.

“Spill.” He simply replied.

“If you take any interesting pictures of Paisley, I will put it in the Senior Slideshow at our graduation! It’s like going out with a bang so to speak.” She released Danni from her grasp. She saw his eyes light up with excitement.

“Lillian, that’s purely evil, and I love it. Tomorrow after school I will defiantly do some investigating.”

Once again Paisley was woken from her beeping and buzzing alarm. For some reason she found it harder than usual to find the motivation to pull her out of bed. So instead she waited for her dad to come in and make her get up. She wasn’t in the mood to go through her morning routines. She ended up going to school in her pajamas.

She didn’t mind the odd look and laughs that people gave her first period. The only thing she did mind was Danni’s glares from across the room.

What’s his problem? I already told him that I was sorry…

“Mr. Lee?” Paisley asked as she raised her hand up. “Can I be excused for the rest of my life?”

Mr. Lee slowly put his pen down and looked over at Paisley.

“No, but you can be excused to the consoler’s office.” He said combining it in a sigh. “I’ll write you a pass.”

Paisley got up and grabbed the note, and took the long way to the consoler’s office. She actually liked to go there. She never talked about her problems but instead would sit, draw, and write there. It was a short escape from people, school, and home life. So entered the office and sat down at the closest table. She whipped out her journal and started to write. She found herself writing a short story, it kind of reminded her of the movie Carrie by Stephen King. About an hour into the story, her consoler Miss. Baxter came over and sat across from her. Paisley closed her journal and looked over at her.

“Hey, I know I’ve been here for a while. I was about to leave.” Paisley said shyly.

“Alright, if you ever just want to talk we,”

“I don’t need to.” Paisley interrupted. “I’m leaving now. Bye.” Paisley got up and started to leave. She heard a small “Bye now.” as she closed the door.  It was passing period going into the 3^rd period. Which was French, and Danni was in that class too. She hesitated for a moment then decided not to go. Instead she head for her car, and headed home.

Danni being along that period really started to get excited to find out what Paisley was up too. So after school came to a closure he got home and picked up his camera in excitement.

“Alright, let’s do this thing!” he said looking at himself in a mirror. Danni had now watched way too many James Bond movies, and felt the need to overdo it, just like with anything he did. He slid around corners and pretended his camera was a gun “shooting” everything he could. He figured if he took thousands of pictures one of them would end up interesting. Maybe he wasn’t going to find an occult bedroom or a Satanist gathering in her living room, but he did expect to find something odd, since Paisley was an odd girl. Leaning against her house he peaked into a little gap that the curtain gave him into her home. He saw her, and instantly felt butterflies from excitement. He did find her sitting in her living room, but there were no candles, no pentagrams. Just her watching TV eating un-natural amount of food.

“Oh my gosh. How can she eat all that food and be as thin as she is…?” He started to take picture after picture. There was a gallon bucket of ice cream empty on the floor. A package of Fig Newtons busted open, and almost gone. He also saw her new project she was working on. A mixing bowl full of Top Ramen, she had almost finished it. He sat there in amazement as she finished off all that food with a liter of cola. He couldn’t believe what he was witnessing.

“How on Earth…” was all he could spit out. He had token many pictures of her eating and eating. But then he saw her get up. He started to take more pictures. He followed her with his camera into the kitchen where she pulled out tater tots out of the oven. He watched with eyes wide her eat them right off the cookie sheet.

“That’s easily one bag, and that’s easily over seven thousand calories that she ate in a hour…Wow.” That’s all he could say.

She opened the fridge and pulled out a can of soda finished that and then went down the hall. Danni saw her leave so he ran across the side of the house looking into her windows. Following her down the hallway, watching the way she walked. It was almost as if she was zombie like. He had never seen her walk or look like that way in his life. She was so lifeless, and yet she was moving.

She entered the bathroom, and she left the door open since her dad wasn’t home. She sighed heavily and leaned over the toilet letting the demon take over her.

Danni couldn’t believe what he was witnessing.

“Paisley’s bulimic?! No way, just…no way.” He said taking picture after picture. He watched her for another hour watching the cycle happen one more time. After taking over three-hundred pictures he ran home and uploaded them onto his computer. He dialed Lillian’s phone number.

“Lillian, get over here now and bring your USB-port. I took some interesting pictures alright. No. No time to explain! Just get over here now!” he hung up his phone and went through them all again just laughing.

“No fricken way Paisley, that’s what you’ve been up too? No way ha-ha!”

No sooner than ten minutes Lillian was scratching at his door.

“Danni! Open, open!” she yelped.

Danni dragged her in and pushed her into his computer room.

“Just watch.” He said as he clicked ‘Slide-show’ on his new album.

Lillian sat there wide eyed as the frames went by, then her mouth dropped open with a simple “No way.” Coming out of it.

“Yes way.” Danni said closing the slide-show. 

  *     *     *     *

“Paisley!” Her dad said busting in her room.

The sudden sounds made her jump up but was instantly knocked down when her dad threw a bag on top of her.

“What is this?” she said feeling the bag. “Clothes?”

Her dad pulled out his camera that was ever so conveniently hid in his pocket.

“Yes, but open the bag and look!”

She opened up the bag to see a Green and Gold gown and cap.

“My graduation clothes are here? Fricken finally!” she said in a gasp of excitement.

“Well put it on so I can take some pictures of you!” he left the room. “Hurry, hurry!” she could hear under the door crack.

She slid them on over her clothes and looked at herself in the mirror.

“Dad, I look like a pickle.” She said coming out.

“Oh hush,” his voice started to crack and Paisley rolled her eyes. “you’re beautiful, so stunning. Your mother would be so proud! Now spin around and do some cute posing in such!” he started to take pictures of her.

Paisley started to play with the beads that had been entwined with her braids.

“Hey dad, can we talk about something kind of important?” she spoke quick and softly.

“Sure sweetie,” he said leaving the room by spoke loudly enough for her to hear.

“Well talk about it when we go out to dinner tonight at Donnie’s! How about that? Now go get ready and I’ll meet you in the car.” He close the door to his bedroom.

She sighed heavily.

“Sure thing Old Man.” She took off her gown and cap, and replaced it with her long torn up jacket. She crawled into the car and waited. It was a common thing for them to go out every week to Donnie’s. Her mom had been a family friend of the owner so it always felt like home there. She found herself making friends with the local drunks at the Sports-bar. It worried her dad but she always told him to worry. Another common thing was her ordering un-humanely amounts of food. It was never odd to her dad because she had eaten like that for years and she had turned out fine.

They arrived to Donnie’s and exchanged waves and smiles to the people they knew and loved as sat down in a booth.

Paisley looking through the menu started to feel hungry; and she started to feel that demon in her start to crawl out. She ordered a large chocolate milkshake, a large basket of fries, and their biggest burger they had there; with a side-salad.

Her dad had ordered the same since he was too lazy to order for himself. When the food came out they started to eat. She divided the food into sections and began her feast.

“So what did you have to tell me sweetie?” her dad asked while dipping his fry into his milkshake.

Paisley had frozen, she had completely forgotten that she was going to break the news tonight. She figured saying:

“I’m bulimic” with a mouthful of food was probably not the best idea. So she played it cool and shoved her burger in her mouth.

“Uh no-nothing actually. I forgot.” She said mumbling into her food. She saw her dad shrug in the corner of her eye and instantly stress was relieved. Changing the subject she looked up at him.

“So my graduation ceremony is tomorrow. You’re going to be there right? She asked happily.

“Of course I am! Ha-ha! I am so pumped! Now I can kick you out!” he said jokingly.

Paisley smiled looking down at her fries.

“Yeah well I am a bit harder to get rid of Old Man.”

“I know.” He said chuckling.

After splitting a big lava cake they went home. Just like normal her dad went to his study to go over some work, so she went to “take a shower”.

She couldn’t sleep all night, she was just thinking about graduation and leaving everyone that she had resented for so long. She would graduate and never have to see anyone anymore, and that’s what she liked more than anything. Staying up all night thinking about future hopes and dreams had caught up with her. Her alarm went off and she was fine with it. It was her last day of school, of high school. She didn’t even feel like eating she was so anxious. She walked into first period with a smile on her face. She sat down at her desk and ripped open her bag. She pulled out Prince Albert her Hedgehog.

“It’s our last day Al!” she said petting her little head.  She looked over at Danni and started to feel a little bit odd.

I wonder why Danni is so quite. He should be bouncing off the wall or something. She thought but shrugged it off. She figured that everyone has those days.

School turned out to go by faster than her sleep last night. Lunch had rolled by and she had no money which meant no food. She sat there at lunch angrily and played with her little friend Albert. She noticed that Danni and his little group he called friends were occasionally looking over at her and laughing. It was something that was common to her. She might have been different, but at least she wasn’t fake. That was the motto that got her by in school.

At the moment skipping sounded perfectly, she had no reason to go back to school. She wouldn’t have homework anyways. So she decided to go home and eat and get ready for graduation.

A couple hours later she found herself curing her hair with her dad taking pictures.

“I’m not ready, I don’t see why you’re taking pictures?” she hid her face from the camera. “I’m a ugly pickle right now, so go!”

“I think you’re the cutest baby pickle I’ve ever seen darling!” he said giggling.

“Dad only Danni can giggle. Now leave me!”

“Excuse me?! I am not a- “ he was interrupted by the door closing in his face.

“We’re leaving in twenty so you better hurry!” he yelled through the door. He heard a little: “K” peep out from the other side of the door.

About thirty minutes later Paisley and her dad had ran through the door and headed to the school. It was a quick and quite car ride; she could feel the nervousness and the excitement build in the air. They pulled up and she hopped out before the car stopped.

“Bye dad! I’m late!” she said running into the gym.

Her dad had parked and found a very good spot where he could see his daughter, and the huge screen that had stretched across the wall of the gym. He was taking as many pictures as he possibly could.

The day had gone by fast but the ceremony was slow. There were only twenty people graduating so they would walk up there and a picture of them with a description would come up. People clap; they get their diploma and sit back down. Person after person would get up. She finally heard:

“Paisley Gilbert:  she is creative, unique, soft spoken, and independent.”

This was when you would hear slow and boring claps, but instead she herd gasps and laughing. She looked around at her classmates who were not hollering at her. She looked up at her dad. She saw him lay his camera down and cover his mouth. She froze, and her heart dropped as she turned around to see her picture that was spread out on the wall. She covered her mouth as tears poured down. Some parents got up and some looked away.

Her heart was racing. There she was bent over her toilet; pointer finger deeply down her throat. Soda cans and food wrappers had covered the bathroom floor. Paisley’s shock and frozenness had been broken with a burst of anxiety and fear. She ran off the stage and booked it out of the gym leaving her diploma in the hands of her ever so shocked principle. 

As she ran all the way home she peeled off her high heels, then her cap, then her gown. She had beaten her dad home which was perfect. Frantically she looked around for an escape. She opened the fridge and screamed into it for a couple minutes.

The demon inside her craved something else, something new this time. It drug her into the bathroom, to the medicine cabinet. There was her mom’s old medicines that her dad never threw away.

“It only makes sense. I live to eat, but will die by eating.” She empty the bottle into her hands and wiped off her make up.

“I am sorry mom, dad,,,” she said as she placed the pills in her mouth and swallowed the pills. She soon locked the door and started a bath.

She laid there for a couple minuets feeling her body slow shut off. It was the only time she felt safe. She slowly started to slide down into the water, and she hear her dad bang on the door. His voice started to fade, and her eye sight slowly started to die.

“At last, I am free,” she murmured. Her head slid under the water and she didn’t even fight it. She was finally going to see her mom, at last.

Author's Note

Short story for Creative Writing.
19pgs