What We Want And Who We Are

Losing your best friend. Contains; Major character death, major use of inappropriate language

She's gone. Not gone as in s**t-we-can't-find-her gone and not s**t-she's-f*****g insane gone. But she's gone.

I'm angry, of course I am. She wasn't happy, I know that, but I am selfish. I am selfish and I didn't want her to die and I already miss her. I am standing at the back of a crowd of people with their heads bowed.

I clench my hand in fists. They don't care about her. This isn't how she wanted it to be. I made sure nobody had roses, putting up a sign that roses were not allowed at this funeral. Only white tulips. I have a whole bouquet, a sharp contrast to my black tuxedo.

It is sunny and I am frustrated. Sam liked the rain. And it didn't even rain today. I want to scream and cry and rip things apart. I slip through the sea of black to the stereo playing quiet music and connect my phone. I turn on Helena and crank it up. Heads turn, I feel eyes on me.

I push through the people and take the microphone from the guy giving some speech of life after dead.

"F**k this, this isn't what Sam would want. Most of you shouldn't even be here. You didn't even give a s**t about her. Not like I did. Not like they did," I say, pointing at my friends. Sam's friends. "She's gone. I'll miss her like f*****g crazy. I didn't want her to die. But I'm glad in a way, so she doesn't have to deal with two-faced a******s who never gave a damn until today. She was so much better than all of you combined. Sam tried to make everyone happy, put everyone before herself. She made everyone laugh. She helped people whenever she could, and tried to even when she couldn't. Sam was one of the greatest f*****g people alive, and none of you appreciated that. You didn't deserve her in your life, and you don't deserve to be here."

I hand off the microphone as tears spring to my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I push through the crowd of shocked faces. A hand closes around my wrist, and I turn. Her mother.

"You ruined her funeral," She spits.

I am calm and stone faced when I reply, "You ruined it by showing up."

I rip away and storm off until I can't see anyone anymore. I round the corner and lean heavily against the building, staring at the sky. I smile slightly, crushing the flowers still in one hand. They crumple under the angry pressure of my fist. Clouds roll in at an alarming pace.

It begins to rain.

See you soon, Sammy