BETWEEN ROADS

First look ,its effect ,its pain , its result ....

Very pretty, she was 
married, but with an empty heart 
as he passed daily by her door 
her eyes admired him and asked for more 
the more she looked 
the more she felt love's first strokes. 
She said: "look at me when you pass 
you are the one who fills my life" 
"Patience married woman" he replied 
"I will never visit you in my life, 
to my creator I daily bend 
and if I answer your request 
I will surely deserve hell" 
She answered with tears 
"how patient can I be 
when loads are on my back 
and sadness is in my deep 
I only want to talk and be close to your face 
it's the only thing that takes my pain away" 

The man told her some facts 
"I might love you because of that 
after that, I will be lost 
between my desire and your love 
Before today I have found peace in my heart 
I want to save it for the rest of my life " 

he stopped the talk and went to his home 
But filled with a lot of thoughts 

Alone at night she lies thinking of him, 
awaiting the moment he passes by 
To glimpse his face and soothe her pain.. 
He kept passing by the same way 
until she came up one day 
asking him to break his rules 
and meet her even for a few 
furiously ,he refused her request 
quickly ,he changed his address 

Now that she sees him no more 
her body began to fail. 
Doctors were there searching for a cause 
they worked hard but came out with no result 
to her husband she said, 
the climate in this area is bad for my health." 
"Choose a place," he said, 
"I want you to be at your best." 

Next to his new place now she lived. 
Finding her joy by looking at him 
as he passes daily by her new place, 
better off she became, 
But the sound of his voice was missing. 

Loads became heavy on her shoulders 
To an evil old lady she told her secret 
hoping to use some of her ways 
just to hear him 
and be face to face. 
"Wait for me tomorrow when he passes. 
I'll bring him before your eyes; 
It's a promise from me my dear." 
the old lady declared. 

Time came... 

The old lady stood in his way 
asking him please to help her 
with a letter to her son 
who was far away. 
The man answered with yes 
to the old female request. 

As he started to write and talk, 
the young female looked with joy, 
staring, hearing him behind door. 
Enjoying the Warmth caused by his voice 
between her skin and her bones, 
a missing part to her heart was brought alive! 
Now that he is very close. 

"You don't sound relaxed, my boy " 
the old lady said it with warmth. 
"A woman from another area 
asked me to change my behavior 
ever since that I am lost," 
That was the young man talk 
The meeting came to an end 
when he promises to help 
any time the old lady demanded. 

The old lady came to the admire and said 
"He is very mature about females affairs; 
i can bring him inside your house 
whenever you are ready for that." 
With joy that filled her inside, 
she gave the old lady a time 
when her husband will be out of town. 

Time came... 

The young man didn't know anything 
when the old lady stood in his path. 
"I have a medicine that heals 
what you are facing my dear. 
It isn't suitable to stay outside; 
people might wonder why." 

he entered the house with her 
The admirer welcomed him with care 
The old lady left the house 
freeing them both to be together. 

As she was looking at him with joy, 
her husband unexpectedly entered the hall. 
"Oh young woman you are divorced, 
and you, young man come with me to the court 
you have breaking the house rules" 

With wisdom the judge asked and heard 
the story of each one at his turn. 

Time came 

The verdict was declared 
"Young man you are innocent-- go free. 
Young lady you have sinned 
Old woman you are the head of the sin" 

Waves of love came to him 
after the plot that was raised; 
it was a strange new taste 
which covered him as he lived. 

He said, "Marry me! I am so ill; 
seeing you is my medicine!" 
She answered with the same no 
that he gave when she asked for more. 

Wounds in glassy heart began to grow 
He surrendered to joyful pain 
Asking resistance to go 
With every breath that it goes 
He wondered: Why, Why did she say no? 

Time passed, sadness started to flow 
Brushing across faces in his house, 
now in mourning clothes. 

Among the crowd, harshly, 
she crossed her Way 
Screaming high, dropping on grave 
“Your face was my only saving grace 
during nights, even in shining days 
Thought you felt pity on me when I said my no 
now you are there, your loving me was sure 

Oooh my love, what have I lost!!! 
Oooh my love, what have we lost!!!” 

As she weeps, as she talks 
The blamed heart received blow after a blow 
A high last screaming cry 
Gave the end for her life's role 

Reviews

[Shawna]

Interesting flow to this story/poem. I had to read some of the wording twice, and I'm wondering if some of the struggle is due to English not being your first language. I can imagine it would be quite difficult to write in a language other than the one you grew up in, learned to talk and love in... so I'm wondering if that is part of it. A lot of emotion to this story, and an interesting (not often taken) perspective on love and desire.

[highthought]

thats the whole story .. it took me days and days to finish it lol in case u have time u can tell me where to work on it so it becomes better ..i ll follow

[Shawna]

Well this is all subjective, to you can take or leave any of what I say. But here is what I would look at ->
1) I would change the font of the whole thing. The font you are using is pretty busy and can be distracting when reading, also make sure it is the same size font throughout. There were a few places where it looked larger than the text around it
2) Some of the wording maybe just look at again. Examples - "The man told her some facts" and "Oh female you are divorced" don't work well for me. Facts seems like such a cold sterile word that doesn't quite fit the rest of the feel of the story. I also can't see a husband calling his wife "female" but that is perhaps just my cultural experience.
3) The part about the man's death doesn't quite all connect for me. I'm thinking part of the is the wording. "til reaching cloth" and "among the crowed harshly she crossed her way" - I'm not sure what you're getting at. Then "though you felt petty" I think you meant 'pity' but I'm not sure. So I would just go back to that area and double check wording and spelling.

Hopefully some of that was helpful. I did think it was an interesting story/poem. These are just the little things I would look at again to make it even better.

[highthought]

Ok I ve changed the font
2 _ the husband called woman because he was upset
3 _ about the cloths ..well the colors of sadness as it is used is black ..that mean that the man died
4_ u re right it's pety and not petty
It is based on a true story ..all of it as what happen excately
Thanks a lot ..I was dreaming of someone to mange it..and it was u

[Miss Marie Riorden.]

I think the greatest problem is this poem is too long . It's hard to get through . But it is a creative write .

[Sabrina Demartini]

nice

[Roxi L]

This is a very creative write. I find it interesting how in love people can be even when they are promised to another. This really touches base on how one small thing can lead to a very big conclusion.

Writing keeps the dream alive
~Roxi/V~

[Gypsie]

Ohh, desire crossed with depths of loving. To choose desire then to realize that what your really want is the love that is with you. How sad that she cannot live with her choices nor to find love within her desire. How true that we often follow desire thinking it is something more. What a beautiful piece speaking of things we often do not give light to.

[A.E. Surdam]

An excellent and lovely, passionate read. I adored reading your creation. :)

[highthought]

lily ur review is touching like the poem itself

[~Death The Kid~ ☜..]

great write;

[Lily Mae]

Sometimes love just happens and seeds are planted.. It doesn't always involve a sexual encounter but people confuse it and think that's where it needs to go to be complete.. Love entering a heart can sometimes be for the soul purpose of them both learning to trust and to experience love on a different level then they've known.. Great write.. :) x

[anne p. murray- LadeeAn..]

very thought provoking and sensitively written

[highthought]

Congratulations!

Your poem BETWEEN ROADS has been awarded The POUR in the MIX writing contest.