Falling trust

it happens a lot

The story began
when she was married to that man
Her love to him was proven by her gifts
Money, house, store and many things .,,
they had two boys and a girl 
covered by love and care
by her own parents
Until an evil woman crossed the step of the family door 
spreading fake care and joy
Gaining the trust of the loyal wife to the most
So the wife told her secrets and kept her close 
Until one day the plot was shown
The evil woman with the husband were alone
Sharing bed and more 

Behind closed doors the wife shed her tears
Thinking of the betrayal of whom supposed to be a dear
Ohh husband ....
My love to you was on the top of the hill
You threw it down so I am vanished ...

Her beautiful white face became red all the time 
She kept silent wherever she was at 
Not revealing a thing of what is in her depth
Pain in her heart grew and grew 
Until her brain took the stroke 

Now, at the hospital where she lays 
The medical machines to her body were connected 
Providing what it takes to keep her away from been ruined 
but all this was stopped 
When the cheater ordered the doctors to turn them off

The wife’s supposed dreams were taken away 
Joined with sand in her grave 
Leaving the man with his sins

allowing a witch to raise his own kids

Author's Note

this is the first poem since i have last stop writing ..so help me to get my feet back on track

Reviews

[dan]

when a love is torn asunder by a betrayal of trust the relationship is effectively dead already, so pulling the plug on the woman stricken by illness is indeed an extension of the ORIGINAL betrayal on a much more grand and sinister scale. a story well told, one that touched my heart, which felt your pain. a splendid write, sir. take care...dan

[highthought]

Having this from you Dan is a great lift for me in my writing ,I ll work harder to gain more of your trust ..thank you

[Lisasview]

First, I do not understand why it is hard for you to give a fair review? Poets appreciate a honest review...that another poet has taken the time to read and review their poem is so rewarding.
You ask for help getting back on track and I an going to do my best..
To be honest, and I always am, this felt more like an interesting story, but not a poem.
I did enjoy your story.. The mere thought of that witch raising the children...really is so awful.
Again, I do feel you should say this is a story... And, I do agree with Glenn that this could use a bit of polishing up.You commented that not much was changed with what he did..however, Glenns editing and removing unnecessary words, etc. did make the story easer to read.
Lisa, now in Spain

[Glen Yumang Manese]

All is not a white picket fence and a house on top of the hill...until those who see the life --- which is not their own...so they just take the opportunity...and make the story their own...yet one did invite her into the dwellings...and from there...there was a point of no return...as for the poem --- you could do a little polish on the entirety and give this a send off:

Story began
When she was married to that man
Her love to him was proven by her gifts
Money, house, store and many things...

They had two boys and a girl
Covered by love and care
By her own parents
Until an evil woman crossed...
The step of the family door
Spreading fake care and joy
Gaining the trust of the loyal wife to the most
So the wife told her secrets and kept her close

Until one day the plot was shown
The evil woman with her husband were alone
Sharing bed and more

Behind closed doors the wife shed her tears
Thinking of the betrayal of whom supposed to be a dear
Oh husband...
My love to you was on the top of the hill
You threw it down so I am vanished...

Her beautiful white face became red all the time
She kept silent wherever she was at
Not revealing a thing of what is in her depth
Pain in her heart grew and grew
Until her brain took the stroke

Now, at the hospital where she lays
The medical machines to her body were connected
Providing what it takes to keep her away from been ruined
but all this was stopped
When the cheater ordered the doctors to turn them off

The wife’s supposed dreams were taken away
Joined with sand in her grave
Leaving the man with his sins
Allowing a witch to raise his own kids

Of course...I did a quick edit for you...and you can go over yourself and give the added touch...you put forth much in a short narrative with this write...for the reader to consume and understand any castle is vulnerable...keep your home safe...and do not invite strangers in waiting to tear it all down for their spoils...

[highthought]

Nothing much was changed , after we did share some thoughts

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Not much is needed in changing...just a few clerical stuff here and there...this was a quick edit...good day...

[highthought]

I didnt think much of my self in writing that's why I was surprised of the minor mistakes in my poem ...thx for the good editing done by you

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

A sad plight of lost love--your words tell this.
I like your form and structure overall.
Emotions are there, too.

[Otingocni]

Ugg. That's a sad story. It was good at portraying imagery, and at provoking emotions. Good job.

[highthought]

We all have our sad moments and when we dig we find it then we become capable to write about it or even to out ourselves in a sad person shoes

[Isabel]

Wow this was like a story compacted into a poem and was definitely a whir of emotion.

[Elisa]

Honestly, this is the best piece you've ever written. The story's coherent and relatable, the diction and syntax are understandable, and it has a charming simplicity that lets the story speak for itself. You showed us the couple's story, instead of told us. Excellent job! Do more like this!

[highthought]

Elisa ..thanks ...I ll will always learn from you and from colleagues writers

[B]

Oh my
What a creepy woman
Awful person

Home wrecker
But he is just as evil

Intense and very much real

[highthought]

He thoughts that his wife s gifts were because of weakness in her personality ...because he doesn't know the meaning of the word ..love ...in the end he stayed with whom she is alike to him

[Dark Poet]

I'm glad you were able to make this completely yours. And that i could help a little bit. Like i said before, this is a beautiful poem. Obviously very painful but you were able to tell an entire story in just a few stanzas. Please keep writing

[highthought]

Yes of course u did help me ur grammer is much better than mine thx for all the benefit I had from ur side

[Brinleigh Bailey]

Really felt how the woman in this poem felt: betrayal, sadness, grief, etc. You expressed her emotions well which helped me to put myself in this character's shoes. I do hope you continue to writing touching poems such as this one. Very well done.

[highthought]

thought a lot to tell about her sadness before getting the stroke , but i was it was hard on me because it takes that i put myself in her shoes ...the thinking of the feeling caused me a lot pain .. what about her ...thanks for your review

[Willard Wells]

"to him was proved by her gifts" may want to consider "to him was proven by her gifts". Ugly story in a poetic way. I like it even though it is a bit sad and it does happen. Thanks for sharing

[highthought]

i ve correct what u suggested....thank you very much ....i have no words to say more than what you have said