Things Left Unsaid

I didn't expect things to turn out this way.

Then again, I didn't expect to allow myself to let it turn out this way either.

I was pathetic and desperate. I was given an ounce of affection and I gripped it with iron fingers. I still don’t know what to think. There is no love without pain. I learned that the hard way. I had my heart ripped out and my heartstrings buried under the hole in my chest. I tried feebly to put the pieces back together, but the edges kept cutting my hands and I decided you can’t fix what is already broken. All I could do was patch up the fragments and hope it didn't fall apart again.

That’s the big secret. It will always fall apart. Sure, things will go smooth for a short while and I’ll walk on clouds and forget about the pain trapped under my skin. Then, out of nowhere a spark will ignite and the clouds will burn and I won’t be able to stand anymore. I’m still clinging to the tragic idea that things will be different and all my little fantasies will spring to life. I don’t want to admit it, but everyone is right. I’m stupid. I’m stupid because I know I’m slowly destroying myself and I don’t care. Maybe I do, but not enough to make me change my mind.

It’ll be the death of me. I can see it already. I’m simply waiting for the day when I can finally put an end to it all. We accept the love we think we deserve. I've always loved and hated that saying because of how frighteningly accurate it is. I’m not a good person. I don’t deserve what people say I do. The structure will burn down, and I won’t be strong enough to build it again. My body is made of glass and I’m so close to shattering that I can taste the blood on my tongue. I told myself I wouldn't talk about you in this but I can’t help it. I don’t see the point in holding back anymore.

You turned my world upside down. It’s funny, how someone can appear out of nowhere and stir up your heart. It’s about as funny as a nosebleed or a paper cut. It stings and I never know when it’s going to stop hurting. Goddamnit I tried and good God I was good enough. I poured myself out to you and you listened but you didn't hear. People warned me about you. They were right. I should have known when I first saw that flicker in your horribly beautiful blue eyes. We cannot choose who we love.

But if I could I would erase you from me in a heartbeat. Because I would rather die than live without you. You’re a rose, all smiles and charm, but I always hurt myself on your thorns. You won’t mend my wounds, even though you inflicted them. You’ll cradle me and soothe me and whisper iloveyou in my ear but you won’t apologize for the thorns.

All I can say is I tried. I tried and it wasn't good enough. But I loved you with every inch of me, and while you were everything to me, I was nothing to you. Maybe not nothing and maybe you loved me but it wasn't enough. It will never be enough. You’ll always have your thorns, and I’ll always have my scars. And as silly as it sounds I’d do all of it over again, just to kiss you one…more…time…you’re all I ever wanted.