Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

the snippet of all snippets, oo

There had been Marybeth Swan from Dublin, with her fair blonde hair and eyes a fulgent shade of green, the quiet and privately intellectual Hannah from Germany, and the long legged, copper skinned Amunet from Egypt. He had spent a fraction of his years with several beautiful and beguiling females and had outlived them all. With some he had compassed the pleasure of slitting their gently pulsing throats.

 

 

Not once in his life had he been persecuted by a judge or hunted down by a priest. The human race became increasingly dull as time moved on. They never imagined that an upper class citizen of London could have committed crimes on such a despicable level. He moved on from each lover with a new identity to avoid rousing further suspicion, and with the aid of his servant, his true nature remained hidden.  

 

 

Tonight, on the eve of December the 8^th, William would greet his new queen for the first time. He stood in the bedroom chamber of his home and prepared for the evening. Stuart, his longtime friend and faithful attendant had presented him with a newly tailored suit. It was black taffeta, as preferred, with an exquisite white lace lined at the cuffs.    

 

“How do I look?” he inquired. He straightened his tie with the utmost care, standing in front of a grand mirror, although he retained only a faded reflection.

 

“Striking and debonair?”    

 

“You look magnificent, sir,” came the blithe reply. Even Stuart, hunched over and balding while his friend remained young and jubilant, had a bit of a gleam in his eyes.  

 

 “Yes, I know.”  

 

William finalized his attire with a pair of his favorite gloves (they were the color of his passion, while they accentuated his pale skin tone) and a long black overcoat. He neglected to wear a hat, as the cold did not affect him, and he rather enjoyed the attention he received for not doing so.  

 

He was a man of innovation and high taste; just the type of husband the Ashbury’s wanted for their young and pristine daughter. Elizabeth’s purity excited him and it hinted in the shine of his dark, expansive pupils.  

 

The ride to the Ashbury residence was a pleasant one. He had missed the beauty of the English country side; yet he knew he would grow bored of it before long. The Ashbury estate, he had decided after leaving the carriage, was a charming little nook. The courtyard was covered in fresh snow and the garden was lit with dancing frost. William wiped a snowflake from his brow. He stood on the porch, poised like a tiger awaiting its prey, and rang for service immediately. He smiled grimly, knowingly, and he waited without so much as a heartbeat.   

 

 

Author's Note

{ quick *cliche* vampire passage }

Reviews

[Anthony Beal]

Greetings, Koufos,

Your usage of language created atmosphere that drew me into it. You did a good job of lending William a chilly, aristocratic demeanor. You make it evident early, and especially with his response to his servant's compliment that he thinks highly of himself, and is accustomed to being in a position of power.

As for the grammar, I do have an alternative or three that you might find useful. Please feel free to ignore these if they don't work for you, since in the end, it's your piece which means that you have final say. They are just some thoughts I had...

You could probably do away without the parentheses around "such as himself," and have it read something like "an upper class citizen of London, such as himself," or "an upper class citizen of London such as he," or "...citizen of London like him"...

In the sentences, "The human being became increasingly dull as time moved on. They never imagined..." I was thinking that pluralizing "The human being" to read "Human beings..." agrees a bit more with the sentence that follows, because it begins with "They." Even though I perfectly understood the relationship between the sentences, and even though it's being used to refer to the entire species, the phrase "The human being" sounds singular, and is followed by "They" which is plural. Saying "Human beings became ____. They never imagined..." seems more consistent in flow.

I was thinking that where you use the word "apparatus" to indicate his clothing (the second-to-last paragraph), you might consider using the word "attire," since "apparatus" can to refer to many things, but "attire" almost always refers to clothing or some form of dress.

All in all, you've written a nice homage to Twilight that I'm sure would make S. Meyer smile. Very nice!

[Michael X]

the title and graphic is such an excellent grabber, the story follows suite.
i especially enjoyed the movie effect, its real depth and drama, a seductive suspence 100/100 for sure :)

[Doctor JKC]

The servant puts a folie a dour spin on it all.
When two consort to murder.
Wow Stuart!

An excellent tale happening just now in hundreds of places
in one form or another.

Just excellent!
Jack

[Two Timer]

wellll this deff blows twilight and all that out of the water. i wish you would write more about william and his advenutures hahaha

[Tate Morgan]

I love this story.I can follow it as i am a bit disjointed and as a man i am one of a few that multitask well.It seems poets have something in common.We can think and talk of many thing s at once

[Owl]

Does William stay young whilst Stuart grows older and older?

Heh, this was fun to read. Just sinister enough while constantly classy. It felt edited, yes, but I would call it refined - befitting for the character.

[Tim H]

I found the writing intriguing. As for criticisms the character Stuart seems very close to Batman's Alfred. You may want to consider providing Stuart with some idiosyncrasy unique to him. This line-standing in front of a grand mirror, although he retained only a faded reflection.- gives an nice reference to the vampire lore without overstating it.

[Liza]

i really like your style of writing. You detail the characters, their personalities and images. I've learned just be reading here. You are very talented.

[Satellite Heart]

I loved it. The opening was brilliant and pulls you in, I love the edgy beginning and the setting of London, although i do agree with her about the structure seem a little stiff, the beginning was great but it never seemed to loosen up.

[MNeilsen]

Although hard to get into at first I am now hooked.

[changeofseason]

This is amazing, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. The first line drew me in and William seemed like a very charming character. I do feel as though it was almost over-edited in the way the writing and sentence structures seemed stiff. The descriptions were nice and the adjectives helped paint a vivid picture in my mind. Overall it was a very enjoyable read, I like your style.