All the words I want to say, if you want to listen

This is a letter written to an old love of mine. That I haven't sent him. Yet. I'm still working on it, but I figured I should get my thoughts out.And as a side note, Abby-who is mentioned is my niece

To: Brandyn

-All the words I want to say, if you want to listen.

I told myself that I wasn't going to put my heart on the line again. At least not like 

this. Because, every time I do, it breaks. Like a broken record. But that's when I began 

to realize, my heart is no longer mine. It's yours. You asked me in one of our final 

weeks of dating "is it bad that I don't remember the beginning of our relationship?"

Well, I lied, and said that I didn't either. There was mistake number one. I remember 

that whole summer. I remember a lot of the exact texts you sent, the ones that I sent, 

the way you made me feel. I remember it all. I still repeat the things you said to me 

in my head. One memory stands out particularly, right now: 

I told you that Abby had my heart. And you told me you were willing to fight her 

for it. In response, I said "You wouldn't have to fight, I would willingly hand it over"

And so it goes. That was the day I handed you my heart on a silver platter. 

I don't know why I lied to you. I should have took that as a hint that you no longer felt

the same. That you no longer felt the love you once spoke so sweetly of. I guess, in a 

way, I broke my own heart. I won't let you have the twisted satisfaction of it. I led

myself on with false hopes that I could someway reach out to you. I thought I had some

type of magic that could make you feel exactly what I was feeling. To see things from 

my perspective. But with each text sent, I tore my heart to shreds.

I think that with everything going on at that time, you got scared. You didn't understand

how someone could love you with a love that was genuine and pure. So, you pushed it away.

You pushed me away. And you shut out the idea that love is supposed to be in your life.

You looked for attention in shallow places and one day, if not already, you will realize

that you are worth a lot more than that. Brandyn, you deserve the world. And I wish I

could give that to you. I gave you everything. Every last drop of my being. And somehow,

that still wasn't enough for you. I wasn't enough for you. Or maybe, I was too much. 

And don't you dare say that this wasn't my fault. Because, obviously there was something 

about me that drove you away. Maybe, it wasn't necessarily something wrong with me though.

Maybe I was so real, in a world so fake that all of the other things going on around you,

got into your head. I don't know. But, I do know this for certain: I love you. Still. 

In the first few days after the breakup, people told me I just need to move on. And I

said that I couldn't, because I still love you. They told me to think of things that 

made me hate you. And I have yet to find a single one. I told them, that the love I have

for you is boundless. Blissful. Unwavering. At one point, I was asked why. A simple,

three letter word turned into a question that made me stop and think. Why do I love you?

Well, here's what I came up with. My exact response:

"There's still a part of me that remembers all of the things we said that were going to

happen. That never will. And it just pains me so much to think that if we were together

right now he could be here and we could be invincible. Whenever we're together I feel 

like I can conquer the world. And then I realized, that he is my world. He's my sun, my

moon, and all my stars. And without him here, nothing feels like home. There was a moment

when I was just laying in his arms and I just felt every nerve in my body calm down and 

for the first time in my life I felt at home. Like that is where I am supposed to be. 

Just one look is all it takes for me to fall in love all over again. And when he smiles,

god when he smiles. That boy brightens my day with just one smile. And his eyes are so

captivating. I swear they put me in a trance. And when we're holding hands, I feel where 

his knuckles are dry and cracking, but I still run my finger over it because it's him.

And every piece of him is lovely. We used to have this thing where we would put out eyes

together and say "hello" really funny. And we were so goofy together. And when he got too

hot in my room, he would put my clothes on. And one night when he spent the night, he 

wore my cheer shorts and it was so funny. I just fall in love with him over and over and

over again. I love the weird way he holds a pencil. And how he writes. And when he kisses

me so passionately that I forget where I am and I have to remember to breathe. But then I

think, even if I stopped breathing in that moment, it wouldn't matter. Because, at that

point I felt like I had already died and gone to heaven."

I can't remember what it feels like to wake up without thinking about you. To live a life

where you had nothing to do with it. To think that at this moment last year, I didn't 

even know you. I can't remember how the days were when I wasn't thinking about "us". 

In the beginning I got so wrapped up in being a girlfriend, that it seemed like that's

all I was. So, here's mistake number two: I made you my life rather than trying to make

a life with you. 

After about a week without you, I was finally ok. And I will continue being ok. I learned

a lot about myself, and life through this. I learned that before you fall in love with 

someone else, you should fall in love with yourself. That doesn't make you conceded, it 

makes you indestructible. So, maybe I got the steps backwards. But, the end result is the

same. I now love myself. And here I am, loving you all the same. However, I am now

indestructible. The end of you wanting me, was the beginning of me wanting myself. So, I 

guess things work out. 

What I'm trying to say is that, I was fine before you and I'm fine after you. I'm still 

me. And I will never be anything short of that. But, with you, I was more. I was me plus 

you. And you are nothing short of amazing. When I was trying to think of bad things 

about you, to make me get over you, I asked myself "What were we thinking?" 

Well, I guess we really weren't. We were in love.

And when you fall in love it's a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then

it subsides. And when it subsides, we have to make a decision. we have to work out 

whether our roots have become so entwined together that is is inconceivable that we

should ever part. Because, this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness. It's not

butterflies. It's not sex. It's not lying in bed at night, imagining you kissing every 

inch of my body. That's just being in love, which anyone could convince themselves of. 

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away. 

For me, there's still a spark. And that's enough to keep me going. 

I miss you. All day, everyday. And that doesn't stop me from living my life. But, you 

can't even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel because I don't even know if you 

miss me back. And as I sit here writing this, the feeling sinks in that I don't want to

miss you like this. I honestly have no clue what's going to happen next. Or, how things 

will turn out. But I do know this: I will never regret anything about us. And if given a 

chance, to do it all over again. I would. 

I just want to tell you that it takes everything in me not to call you. And I wish I 

could run up to you when I see you. And I hope you know that every time I don't, I 

almost do. Almost. I guess that's were we stand now. Almost lovers. Almost friends. 

Almost forever. Almost. What an awful word. 

Remember when we were trying to come up with a word for the love we shared? I found one.

Agape. It's a Greek word. It's an altruistic love. One that is selfless. And that's what 

we were. We didn't care about ourselves. It was love for each other. For the world and all

it's beauty.

Sometimes, the memories of you and I sneak out of my eye and roll down my cheeks as tears.

As a reminder that you were the one that got away.

And if you're reading this right now, I hope you're taking in every word that I say. I 

hope you feel the emotion behind every thought that crossed my mind. These are all the 

words I wanted to say, if you want to listen.

Author's Note

please let me know what you think