~Disenchanted Sandcastles

Collaboration ~ Jack & Frieda

I averted my eyes so you would not see

the color of destiny fading to gray,

cobalt thunder bolts had dimmed

to a dingy shade of regrets

yesterday's fervor suspended mid flight

 

And I laughed, if not out of humor

but some odd sewn reason collecting

on the seams of my thoughts    

patterned after fracturing waves

finding their end on a zigzag shoreline

 

like driftwood washed upon the brink

our passion wave stood motionless

dulled beneath a brilliant sun 

blinded by halting dark clouds

 

digging in the sand, a shell held tightly

between shivering fingers, searching

for that which we had, moonlit sharing

reckless on flip flop hopes, and dance floor desires

 

quixotic footprints in the surf gave way

to dusty shadows upon broken sandcastles

flying kites were just an illusion

their flight plummeting into dark seas enveloping me

 

frantically reaching, nothing is found but salted air

an empty hand of slow motion wondering

scattering dreams like so many skipped stones

on blank surfaces, only to understand sinking ends the illusion

 

you held me in your sight one last time

guilt welled up dusky dreams in my tears

past written on elusive carbon copys 

of grievances that adulteraded my heart

  

on this empty boardwalk, no carousel flashing lights

 or pizza vendors counting coins for change, I sit

 alone, my touch tracing our initials, carved of better days

 worn smooth of  memories, and as I know I am to blame

 a tear finds my cheek… for I shall truly miss her

Reviews

[s y e]

You two are my two favourite people on here! :) I love you both and when you do a collaboration it is utter perfection. You guys just seem to fit your work in all the right places. You both work so well with imagery and the emotion. This is really heart wrenching but an amazing write.

"on this empty boardwalk, no carousel flashing lights
or pizza vendors counting coins for change, I sit
alone, my touch tracing our initials, carved of better days
worn smooth of memories, and as I know I am to blame
a tear finds my cheek… for I shall truly miss her"

This is an absolute tear-jerker but amazingly well written. I loved it all, it was so well structured.

My kiddiewinkles are all grown-up! (not sure why I said that but.... yeah)

[Frieda P]

Awh noodlebumble, you're too sweet hon, thanks muchly, and yeah, weird finish lol :-)

[s y e]

Haha, I'll take that out. :P

[SyberRose]

Exquisitely executed...you both are so versatile in your writings... I enjoyed the
metaphorical significance of the poem...a lovely bittersweet collaboration...Rose:)

[Frieda P]

You're so kind to say Rose, thanks muchly :-)

[Jack...]

Thank you so much Rose.

[LadySoDivine]

Another proof that you two write together perfectly. As I already said, the metaphors you use are exquisite and so wonderfully poetic. It makes the entire poem so beautifully tragic. To me, there is no bigger tragedy than a true love which faded away with time. Like a sandcastle slowly blown away by the strong wind, if I may say so. And the worst feeling is that sudden moment of realization that you no longer feel what you used to. And it kills you inside. This poem struck me right in the heart. It's truly a marvelous masterpiece.

[Frieda P]

What a lovely review, thanks so much Lady...

[Jack...]

LSD, my friend. thank you so much for taking the time to read our poem. I know from talking to you that you enjoy writing and learning more and more about poetry...well this amazing lady right here is who you should watch. Thanks again my friend.

[LadySoDivine]

Always a pleasure, Jack. :)

[Frieda P]

I don't pay him enough. ;-)

[Lydia Shutter]

The poignant nostalgia throughout your lines brought me to the boardwalk in Atlantic City where I spent many summer days in my youth. There I remember being "reckless on flip flop hopes, and dance floor desires"....those were the days. I can picture you tracing the initials carved in the wood. At the end of your write, I was unclear as to whether you were missing the Frieda you used to be or missing someone else with whom you spent time on that beach. Then I realized this was a collaboration between you and Jack. Your words work so well together, I did not realize they were written by two different poets. Bravo! Lydi**

[Jack...]

Thanks so much Lydi, my youthful summers were spent in Wildwood and Ocean City, but when very young a trip to the Steel Pier was always a treat. I can tell you though, it is a very special treat now for me to write with Frieda. She began this poem and it was her words that sent my mind on this journey. I am pleased you enjoyed this.

[Frieda P]

Wow Lydi, quite the compliment, thanks so much...didn't know you were from joisey? ;-)

[Lydia Shutter]

I grew up there, Frieda....but I have lived in Florida since the age of 16.

[Frieda P]

South joisey?

[Lydia Shutter]

Nope, Bergen County.....but I have an aunt who lives in South Jersey.

[Frieda P]

My ex's family had a place in Silver Beach, spent a lot of time there & AC...

[Jack...]

I gew up in Glassboro. :)

[Frieda P]

No wonder we're all nutters, all from joisey. ;-)

[Lydia Shutter]

there is a comraderie, no doubt about it! :)

[Rita L. Sev]

The last stanza is so full of sad longing; a very real scene you two have painted throughout the piece.

reckless on flip flop hopes, and dance floor desires... :) Great line!

Another wonderful collaboration!

[Frieda P]

I love that one too Rita, all Jack! He's the best, thanks so much, so happy you enjoyed our musings here. :-)

[Jack...]

Thanks you Rita. I am happy you enjoyed our poem. I still can't figure out which I enjoyed more, writing with Frieda or seeing the end product come out so beautifully. She has that magic you know.

[Sami Khalil]

Like they say :" Two minds are better than one" and here it is the two minds as well as the two hearts singing in harmony and painting with the color of love and life...Splendid collaboration...:)

[Frieda P]

Grazie mille Sami...I'm lucky our two minds come together so fluidly, such a pleasure to work with Jack, glad you enjoyed our collaboration! :-)

[Sami Khalil]

Wow. So true...You are welcome...:)

[Jack...]

Thanks so much my good friend. Writing with Frieda is like writing in a dream...I hate to wake up.

[Sami Khalil]

Hahaha...Good to know...You are welcome...:)

[Robbie~xoxo~]

Oh you two!...wow! This is absolutely breathtaking... and painfully sad...
I love the variation in tone and font style, yet weaved wonderfully together...
You both have such great writing chemistry... that is a rare thing to find in another, indeed!

Congrats on another beautiful collaboration!~xoxo~ :)

[Jack...]

Robbie, my sweet friend. So many thank yous coming your way. Always it is a thirll to hear such kind words. This is my favorite of the collab's we have written, though anything that has Frieda's name attached to it has to be great.

[Kleio13]

"quixotic footprints in the surf gave way
to dusty shadows upon broken sandcastles"

love these lines. Aspiring write Frieda

[Jack...]

The beautiful lines you have chosen are all Frieda's. She is an amazing poet. Glad you enjoyed this.

[J Todd Underhill]

Tell me this is going to be read on our show this week great collaboration and it reminded me for my home area. Santa Cruz has a boadwalk and it was kind of a sad sight in the winter months when the rains would come.

[Jack...]

Like you J. Todd, I'm still waiting on Frieda's answer. Thanks so much Sir.

[CrochetRie]

I can tell by the two different styles of writing who is speaking in each of the stanzas and I believe both writers compliment each other so perfectly.

Although, sad and gripping, the two perspectives also compliment each other because they lend dimension and make the story complete.

The writing of both are effortless and very well done.

[Frieda P]

Thanks so much Carrie, Jack is a delight to work with, jazzed you enjoyed it.

[Jack...]

Thanks Carrie, and I feel the same about Frieda. Happy you liked it.

[emmajoy]

What i call a beautiful sadness, both writers speaking in such similar styles, no clash of phrasing, no undue frillines, the finest metaphors, a smooth flow of perhaps disilluionment. Both voices have magical areas i can quote without ruffling feathers.. :):

'.. some odd sewn reason collecting ~ on the seams of my thoughts.. ' ~ also ~
'.. were just an illusion ~ their flight plummeting into dark seas enveloping me.. '

There's such a sadness and nostagia here, but somehow it's not a fatality .. maybe cos of the fragile but lovely collection of lines.

[Frieda P]

Thanks so much sweetie, glad you liked our musings here, so like you Em to pick a line from each of us, no ruffled feathers here petulio! :-) Grazie mille cara x

[Jack...]

Emma, thank you so much for visiting our work, Frieda is an absolute joy to write with. I appreciate your always sweet words.