~Disenchanted Sandcastles

Collaboration ~ Jack & Frieda

I averted my eyes so you would not see

the color of destiny fading to gray,

cobalt thunder bolts had dimmed

to a dingy shade of regrets

yesterday's fervor suspended mid flight

 

And I laughed, if not out of humor

but some odd sewn reason collecting

on the seams of my thoughts    

patterned after fracturing waves

finding their end on a zigzag shoreline

 

like driftwood washed upon the brink

our passion wave stood motionless

dulled beneath a brilliant sun 

blinded by halting dark clouds

 

digging in the sand, a shell held tightly

between shivering fingers, searching

for that which we had, moonlit sharing

reckless on flip flop hopes, and dance floor desires

 

quixotic footprints in the surf gave way

to dusty shadows upon broken sandcastles

flying kites were just an illusion

their flight plummeting into dark seas enveloping me

 

frantically reaching, nothing is found but salted air

an empty hand of slow motion wondering

scattering dreams like so many skipped stones

on blank surfaces, only to understand sinking ends the illusion

 

you held me in your sight one last time

guilt welled up dusky dreams in my tears

past written on elusive carbon copys 

of grievances that adulteraded my heart

  

on this empty boardwalk, no carousel flashing lights

 or pizza vendors counting coins for change, I sit

 alone, my touch tracing our initials, carved of better days

 worn smooth of  memories, and as I know I am to blame

 a tear finds my cheek… for I shall truly miss her

Reviews

[s y e]

You two are my two favourite people on here! :) I love you both and when you do a collaboration it is utter perfection. You guys just seem to fit your work in all the right places. You both work so well with imagery and the emotion. This is really heart wrenching but an amazing write.

"on this empty boardwalk, no carousel flashing lights
or pizza vendors counting coins for change, I sit
alone, my touch tracing our initials, carved of better days
worn smooth of memories, and as I know I am to blame
a tear finds my cheek… for I shall truly miss her"

This is an absolute tear-jerker but amazingly well written. I loved it all, it was so well structured.

My kiddiewinkles are all grown-up! (not sure why I said that but.... yeah)

[Frieda P]

Awh noodlebumble, you're too sweet hon, thanks muchly, and yeah, weird finish lol :-)

[s y e]

Haha, I'll take that out. :P

[Blue Ivory]

Chilling and hauntingly beautiful! My favorite line: "And I laughed, if not out of humor"
Great description. Great use of metaphors, which I know is Freida's thing :3 And Jack is good with the feels.

[Frieda P]

Oh thanks for digging this one up Siren it's one of my favorites...That was just Jack's line...jazz'd you enjoyed! Good to see again my friend. x

[Blue Ivory]

I try to come back whenever possible :) Plus I hate coming here and not find finding any reviews so I decided to start giving again :P

[Frieda P]

Yeah that usually works, hope you've been well. :-)

[Blue Ivory]

Yes :3 You? I've just been trying to focus on school more cuz I just have 6 months of it left so I don't want my last memories to be getting Cs like last year xD

[Frieda P]

Smart cookie, you. Better, the holidays were tough.

[Blue Ivory]

Awww what happened? D:

[Frieda P]

Too many memories since my sister is gone, not to mention life.....

[Blue Ivory]

Oh my gosh I'm sorry

[Astro]

Hey nice work guys, I like the way the poem describes the relationship slipping away like a sandcastle caught in the surf. Great stuff. Very moving and well blended together with separate voices.

[Frieda P]

Funny thing, we both had beachy ideas in mind from the very beginning, thanks muchly Astro...

[Astro]

You're welcome Frieda. If you guys are gonna play around in the sand be careful not to get it stuck in the wrong places. ;)

[Frieda P]

Ha now you tell me! ;-)

[Astro]

Well, you live and learn.

[Frieda P]

Amen to that.....

[Tarry Franck]

Great job on both parts...lovely write...lovely read...truly enjoyed this one.

[Frieda P]

Thanks so much Tarry, so glad you enjoyed our musings.

[Tarry Franck]

my pleasure

[TL Boehm]

You're both brats, Jack for his aggressive marketing tactics and you both for being so amazing together. Yeah, so.
Actually all joking aside I thought the marketing was very sweet - and it is a beautiful poem. Intersprersed with atmosphere and lush words, that unique mix of love and loss and introspection and the way the words just trickle and flow - every time I try to build a sandcastle the water trickles in - that's how this poem is - like steady upwelling of water. Very organic and wonderful to read.

[Jack...]

Ok, brats, that's a first for me here...what about you Frieda? Tammy you are so special, I wouldn't let just anyone call me a brat. Thanks so much for your kind words on our poem.

[Frieda P]

Ha *rolling my eyes* been called that more times than I care to recall, thanks T, love you bratty review.

[TL Boehm]

"Brat" is definitely a term of endearment. I call my family members "brats" when they are being cute. Its a word I say with a smile. So yes, its a complimentary thing - now if I am mad at a person - I usually address that person by their full name - usually with emphasis on the middle name. Not sure why but my kids cringe when I drag out the full name :)

[Frieda P]

Ha middle names are like cursing, I hear you... ;-)

[TL Boehm]

They ARE! I concur.

[annie lee]

What a great picture you have drawn! I see the boardwalk, the vendors, hear the music, smell the popcorn. I can see your sandcastle from here; it is crumbling about the edges and the tide seems to be coming in. What a bittersweet memory.

[Jack...]

Thank you so very much for you kind words. I love writing with Frieda, so much beauty flows from her fingers.

[Frieda P]

Thanks minichinz, jazzed you enjoyed this one...

[Magnolia]

'reckless on flip flop hopes, and dance floor desires'...marvellous line...a really moving poem that had my eyes filling up. A great collab, as you two seemed to gel seamlessly throughout the stanzas...love it...Maggie

[Jack...]

Maggie, Frieda is easy to gel with...thanks so very much.

[Frieda P]

Oh that's Jack's fantabulous line, thanks Maggie!

[carol burgess romance]

What a mixture of great writing.....filled with emotions and flawlless imagary....you both blend your words so very well

[Jack...]

Carol, I am happy to see you here, I knew you would like this. Thanks ever so much and now you see I am a lucky man, I get to work with a fantastic poet like Frieda.

[Frieda P]

Thanks carol, glad you enjoyed....

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i find this exotic in a way..forlorn in a way...a mixture of sadness and beautiful memories of someone who has passed from our life...

i agree with Anne about the seamlessness...only the italics give away that there are two different voices..but you blend so well..

i am making a stab...but i feel the italicized parts are Jack's voice, and the others frieda's?

the carbon copies part really slammed me hard..that and the last stanza...i had to hold back tears.

Jack, thanks for alerting me to this ....glad i didn't miss it.

jacob

[Jack...]

Sorry Jacob, it is the other way around. Frieda is the italicized verses...you know, women and their jewelry. Frieda is one of a kind and I am so happy she lets me tag along.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

well that shows how astute i am....:)

[Frieda P]

Thanks for the lovely review jacob, and I'm truly flattered you got mine mixed up with Jacks!

[Ken Simm.]

It flows and it seems seamless. It is constructed very well and the subject matter builds along with the poem. You do work well together. Even new words Adulteraded. Well done the pair of you.

[Jack...]

Thanks so much Ken for stopping by our poem. You never know what you will find whne we get together, but I hope it always pleases you.

[Frieda P]

Grazie mille Ken, means a lot coming from you....