That Night

I ruined the end of this poem. I wrote it a long time ago, and I'm not sure why I did it, but I feel like it would be wrong to go back and change it.

I wiped the plastic smile off my face
And looked into your eyes
So full of joy and responsibility
Full of picturesque fantasies
Of you and me

You reached for my hand
And I pulled it away
You reached for my heart
So I gave you my hand

I put my head to your chest
And closed my soft brown eyes
You kept yours open
To savor my lies

This wasn't a dream
But it still wasn't real
There was no contract that night
There was no crimson seal

I let you into my world
I felt your heart beat within your chest
You wished that it would never end
You said that night was your very best

I held your hand
Until at dawn I let go
The sun exposed us to the world
It was over forever, bro
And I was just a sorry ho
Who gave you my hand
Instead of my heart
But I still think your love
Is a thing of art

Reviews

[Miss Coral]

So, this was a nice piece- I would consider extending the rhyme scheme to the top of the piece- it really helps to pull the flow of this particular piece together. I generally don't recommend them, but this has the meter where it is quite beneficial. I would also try to make the language more consistent, and perhaps use some pronouns. You have pretty good language, and then you suddenly pop the rhyme "bro" and "ho" on us, and it just seems out of place with everything else. Some of the phrasing you have is repetitive, so try changing it up or using more pronouns.

And, last thing, I would recommend adding in some punctuation- you could punctuate it like you would an extended sentence (or multiple sentences, when you come to a full stop). But punctuation would really help the reader catch onto the flow of the piece.

Overall, nice piece.

-Coral-