Exactly Like the Playboy Mansion, Only Opposite.

The second chapter of Deadly Awesome. Enjoy!

So that's the part where I die. But there's more to the story. Loads more. I mean, just a story about a teenage girl dying a mortifying death and then being miraculously saved by someone who works for God is boring, and relatively dismal. So I'll go ahead and tell the rest of it. (Especially since now, I'm actually getting into this. Thanks a ton, bro.)

 

He really was back the next day, in the same, only slightly different suit and Fedora hat. Early, too. Well, early for me is noon; he arrived at my apartment around nine thirty or ten A.M. I was still sleeping, especially since I'd been up nearly all night partying my a*s off, as I had thoroughly cheated Death the night before. He waited for me to get dressed and said he'd treat me to breakfast, which I was grateful for, because we had, like, no food in the pantry. Both my parents were at work, as usual, and so I left them a Post-It note in case they got back before me (which I highly doubted.)

 

"So where would you like to eat?" the guy asked.

"Wherever you want to eat..." I mumbled. I could barely make eye contact with him. I didn't even know this guy's name. So I asked, "Hey, what's your name?" He glanced down at me. (Not because he was tall, but because I'm short.)

"Apollo," he said.

"Can I call you Polly?" I joked.

"No," he replied. "I think we should go to The Diner. I'm jonesing for some pancakes. What do you think?"

"Sounds great." I flashed a little smile. I'd never freaking heard of the place, but I might as well go along with it. "You know," I started, "thanks. I never got a chance to say that."

"Thanks? For what?" Was he an idiot or something? Didn't he remember last night? "Oh, yeah. I saved your life, didn't I?" Something akin to pride flashed in his eyes for a fraction of a second, but was quickly gone.

"Yeah..." I muttered. "My name's Tilly, by the way." I mentioned.

"Yes, I know." I raised an eyebrow. "Tillian Paige Riley. I know." The other eyebrow went up. "If I were sent to save you, I should know your name and face, shouldn't I?" My eyebrows came back to Earth. That made sense. Someone upstairs must really like me. Or really hate me... one of the two.

 

For a long time, neither of us said anything. He just walked along, me with my hands gripped around the strap of my purse, him with his hands in his pockets.

"You're not very talkative," he said. My cheeks turned red.

"I usually am... I just feel kind of awkward." I admitted.

"Why?"

"Well, you did kind of save me from oblivion. I feel kind of small next to you..." He grinned and put an elbow on my head.

"You are kinda small next to me~" he joked. I couldn't help but chuckle. "Don't think too much of it. You're not the only one I've brought back." That made me feel less special, therefore less awkward.

"Who else did you save?" I asked absentmindedly.

"You'll find out after breakfast." He said with a smug smirk as we rounded the corner to a little hole-in-the-wall that I'd passed by many times, but never really noticed. We walked in and one of the waitresses seated us and handed us a couple of menus. I looked through, but I couldn't really find anything I wanted to eat, so I just ordered French Toast, eggs and a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, he'd ordered some intricate, how-the-hell-could-you-possibly-finish-that-in-one-go breakfast and about three different drinks.

"Damn," I muttered.

"What?" he asked cluelessly. "Using magic takes a lot of energy..."

"Interesting..." He smirked. About ten minutes later, the waitress showed up with our food and refilled my coffee. I shook some salt onto my eggs, then drizzled syrup over the lot of it, toast and eggs. (Don't think I'm weird. I have friends that drink creamer without the coffee.) Once again, after that little bit of conversation, we were both silent again, occupied with our food. I covered half of the bill (which was ridiculously expensive, by the way) despite him telling me not to, and we were on our way.

 

He really did eat all of that food, though. All of it. Seriously. I've never seen someone eat that much in one sitting.

 

But then he lead me into an alley... I asked where we were going, but he just put a finger to my lips and smiled.

"Were I live is very far away, and cannot be reached by car, ship or plane. Normal humans don't even know about me, let alone the magic I use, so we have to remain inconspicuous. I advise you hold on tight." He grabbed a hold of me, and before I knew it, I felt like I was being squeezed through a tube a millimeter in diameter and being stretched out a thousand kilometers at the same time. The feeling had gone as soon as it came, however, and I felt my feet on solid ground again. I opened my eyes one at a time, making sure I wasn't about to die... again.

"It's all right. We're here." I heard Apollo's voice and I relaxed, realizing how tightly I was grasping his lapels. I let go abruptly and smoothed them out, then freaked. Weren't we just standing in an alley?

"Oh my God, you...! Did we just teleport? We just teleported, didn't we? We just bended space and time to travel here, right? Christ on a cracker...!" I was amazed. I didn't care where we were, just that we'd spontaneously appeared there.

"Well, maybe not time, but space, certainly. I'm still not quite sure what the exact science is, but I can do it." Apollo shrugged nonchalantly, like it was something that happened every day.

"What, next, you're gonna tell me Pokemon are real? Unicorns exist, don't they?" At that, he laughed so hard I thought he would choke.

"You're a riot!" he said after he'd calmed down enough to speak. I just stared with that "what the hell are you talking about" face. Yeah, you know exactly what that looks like.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about, but I wouldn't jump to conclusions, and I assure you, Pokemon do not exist." He was still cracking up. I scowled.

 

"Damn,"

 

"So is this the new girl?" A female voice asked from behind me. I turned around to see a girl with short, fluffy, fire-engine-red hair and emerald-green eyes with heavy eye makeup. I about got a headache right there from her hi-lighter coloured clothing, each strangely-pattered piece proving to make a very intriguing eyesore of an ensemble.

"Rika~! So nice to see you! Yes, this is the new girl. Her name is--"

"Tilly. My name is Tilly." I interrupted with a timid smile. The girl nodded and held out her hand, which I took tentatively. She had the same snarky look in her eyes as Apollo, and that annoying "I know something you don't" smirk. Maybe they were related...

"Rika, I have some arrangements to make. If you could show Tilly around...?" Apollo asked.

"Sure," the girl replied. I could swear I heard a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Apollo smiled, then went upstairs. She turned to me and sighed. "Well, we'd better get started." she said, then started trudging in the opposite direction. I figured I was supposed to follow her, so I did. She took me down a hall lined with four doorways--two on each side-- and explained what each one of their purposes were. It wasn't a mansion, but it was a pretty big house. There were five bedrooms and two bathrooms.

 

We walked into the kitchen and she grabbed a glass of milk before we continued. She showed me the studio, which consisted of art supplies, a desk, and more art supplies. Rika explained that it was mostly her that used it with her paintings and everything. She also showed me Apollo's office, whose door was closed, and she dared not go in when the door was closed. Then she showed me my bedroom.

 

Yep. I was going to be living there. Let's replace the part where I have a cow with this pleasant scene, shall we?

 

I looked around. "So this is where I'll be staying...?" I thought it would be cool to live here with this chick and Apollo, but the tone of my voice said otherwise.

"You don't like it, do you?" Rika grumbled. "Well, then." She crossed her arms with a little "hmph!"

I shook my head. "No, it's not that. I think I'm looking forward to living here." I smiled. She opened one eye to look at me.

"You better, 'cuz if you don't like it, you're s**t outta luck." Her lips curled into a cocky smirk. "I decorated it myself." she bragged.

"It's... nice." Kinda gothy, but nice. The black-lace curtains were the icing on the cake... The only things that actually had any colour were the aqua walls and the dark teal-blue carpet. Everything else was either black or white (but it was mostly the furniture.) Something struck my thoughts. "I'm still gonna be able to see my parents and everyone, right?" I asked, a pang of worry in my voice. Rika nodded fiercely.

"Of course, of course. There isn't a Saturday where I don't go out with my girls. Pretty much, you'll be spending your nights here. That's about it. Apollo's really cool about it." She assured. I felt my chest loosen. This actually sounded like a pretty sweet deal. Besides, not being able to see my friends and family would have killed me... again. (All right, I'll stop.) "So how long've you been here with Apollo?" I asked suddenly.

Rika shrugged. "Coupl'a years, I guess. He's been really good to me. You know he saved my life?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? Me, too... What happened?"

"I fell down three flights of stairs and broke my neck in three different places. One of my heels had caught in the stairs." She said it as if it were nothing, just a little bump in the road of her life. "What happened to you?" I sighed. It hurt to think about. Just the memory of my body in that shape... It made me ache all over. "F'you don't wanna talk about it, that's cool. I couldn't say a word for two weeks. Seriously."

"One of my heels broke and I fell over the ledge of a six-story building." I blurted out, surprised with myself. She looked surprised.

"Damn. I'm never wearing heels again." she mumbled.

"Ditto." I uttered exhaustedly. Nothing higher than an inch for me, ever again. "So what are we doing here, exactly? I mean, like, what kinds of stuff are we gonna have to do for Polly?" I smiled a little at the pet name I'd given him against his will. Another shrug from Rika.

"I usually just make him breakfast." she said simply.

"Really?" I was astonished. Was that really all we'd be doing? He told me differently...

"Yeah. I don't understand why he gave me my powers, though. I never use them. Whenever I ask about it, though, he's just like, 'Now's not the time for that, Rika' and then he stalks off to his office." Wait, back up-- She had powers? He gave her powers?

 

What?!

 

"You have... powers? Like what? Am I gonna get powers?" I got a little excited and forced myself to calm down. Rika laughed. It was a harsh, yet strangely musical sound.

"Yes, I can do all kinds of stuff, and I have no idea. In that order." she said.

"Coooooool~" I cooed. I looked at my watch. "DAMN! I've been here a while!"

"Naw, naw, naw, naw," she corrected, "Time works differently here. It goes waaaaay slower, so it really hasn't been that long a time lapse in the real world. I'm surprised your watch is still working. My cellphone is complete and utter crap here." She scowled.

"Wow. Why am I not surprised?" I was surprised that I wasn't surprised about the surprise. If you know what I mean.

"You kinda become numb to all the outlandishness after, like, the first three times."

"Sounds reasonable." I chuckled awkwardly.

"You know," Rika said, "I think we're gonna be pretty cool."

"Why are you wearing three belts?" I asked suddenly.

"Holds my pants up better."

"You're wearing a skirt, and they're not even in the loops."

"Do I really need to answer?"

"No."

"Kay then."

 

"Ladies," I heard Apollo's voice behind us and turned around. Where did he come from?

"Yes?" Rika said sweetly. Yeah. She totally had a crush on him. Totally.

"I see you two are already making friends. That's good. Rika, I hope you don't mind, but I need to speak to Tilly alone for a minute." he told us with a smile. Rika nodded.

"Okay," she added.

"All right then. Tilly?" He looked at me.

"O...kay." And then he took me up the stairs into his office and closed the door.

"Are you finished with the 'arrangements' or whatever?" I asked.

"Mm, not quite, but I will be soon. I need you to do something for me really quick." he replied.

"Sure, what is it?" I pulled up a stool from against the wall and sat down. He dug into one of his pockets and took out a little black ring box. My face heated. He tossed it at me, which I fumbled and eventually caught. I opened it and my face almost set fire. There was a ring in this ring box. It was black, like hematite or onyx, with a sparkly, purple bead in the middle that looked like fused glass.

"Sure, what is it?" I repeated, looking at the ring. It was smooth and cool in my hands, but the shiny thing was really warm. I ran my thumb over it and something like gas swirled around in it. I almost dropped it.

 

"That, Tilly, is your best friend. Whenever you're in need, that little thing'll save your a*s." Apollo told me.

"So, in other words, you have no idea?" I replied. (What!? He hadn't answered my question...!) To my embarrassment, he nodded.

"What a bright one you are!" He chuckled, patting my head. I wiggled away from his hand. "Now, I've sort of figured out how it works... Put that on and say, like, the first five words that come to mind." he instructed.

"Uhh... 'Kay." I slipped the ring onto my left middle finger. "Super f****t face penguins cheesecake." I said. Apollo keeled over laughing. I frowned. Nothing happened. Apollo was still laughing.

"Yeah, well f**k you, too." Suddenly, the ring got super-hot. I exclaimed loudly and waved my hand around, but my it wouldn't come off. The gem got really bright and hurt my eyes. My hole body burned, but it was a diffeent kind of hot... More like when you spill hot sauce in your lap rather than a fever. Apollo looked up, his laughter ceasing immediately. His eyes slid immediately to my b***s, and then quickly in another direction as his cheeks turned deep pink. I would have looked, but once again, I couldn't move. Then suddenly it stopped and the ring returned to a reasonable temperature. I looked down.

 

"SWEET JESUS CHRIST!" I yelled. Nearly everything about me had changed. I actually had a rack! My clothes changed from skinny jeans and a tanktop to a frilly, black minidress and tall socks with purple lace and bows and ribbons. My hair was falling around my shoulders in royal purple ringlets, and I had long gloves on.

"I'M A MAGICAL GIRL!" I exclaimed. A freaking magical girl! You know, those ones from Japanese Anime that dance around in midair with sparkly girl-weapons fighting enemies that are way out of their league. Yeah, them. Apollo scoffed.

"You're not a magical girl." he assured.

"I just went through a shiny happy-fun-fun transformation sequence. If I'm not a magical girl, then I'm totally a Super Saiyan." I insisted.

"You are not a magical girl." He repeated. "You're a Reaper." My jaw dropped.

"A what-a-wha?"

"You're a Reaper. You know, grim, usually portrayed as a skeleton in a black robe with a scythe coming to reap the souls of the dying. Except you're prettier. And much, much lacier and, uh... ribbonier. And purpler." he explained.

"And you're a dick."

"What?"

"You're a dick. You know, a*****e, tricks people, often referred to as 'c**k'. Only you're much, much faggotier. And, uhh... suitier. And blonder." I reiterated.

"And why am I a dick?"

"I have breasts. Particularly large ones." I scowled.

"And what does that have to do with anything?"

"You made this, right? You made it so I'd look like this?"

"No. I picked these up from Heaven's Postmaster the other day after I received the assignment to find you." He looked scared I'd kick his head off or something. My seething look calmed.

"Oh. But I'm still offended that God or whoever made these thinks I need bigger jugs." I grumbled.

Apollo shrugged. "Maybe they think the dress wouldn't look as good on a small-breasted girl as yourself." he offered. I about punched him in the face.

"R'YOU SAYIN' MY B***S ARE SMALL?!" I roared.

"I'm not saying they're small..." he noted, "I'm saying they're very small."

 

"Who's talkin' about b***s?!" Rika exclaimed from down the hall.

"Stop spying!" I groaned.

"I'm not spying! I'm eavesdropping!" Rika replied. Apollo laughed. I slapped my palm to my face and sighed exasperatedly.

"This'll be fun..." I mumbled. "So how do I change back?" Apollo shrugged. "YOU DICKLESS SON OF A B***H!" I bellowed.

"Figure somethin' out, I dunno!" Apollo said.

"That's it, I'm comin' in." Rika yelled, opening the door. She saw me in the gothic lolita dress and stared. "Your b***s... they're like mine, but frillier." A sly smirk creeped across her face. "Who are you plannin' to snag with them? Got a boyfriend?"

"What?! No! Gross!" I stuck my tongue out. "I didn't get these on purpose!" I squashed my new tits tenderly, wishing they weren't there. I like my small b***s, screw you! "Now how do I change back?" I repeated, tugging on the little bow on my chest. It came undone, and the outfit changed back to my original one.

"Hey!" My face brightened. "What did I just do?" The two shrugged.

"Oh, yeah," Apollo handed Rika one of those black rings, only her sparkly-bead-thing was pink. I took mine cautiously off my finger and put it on my necklace, tucking it into my shirt.

"Go ahead and try to transform." Apollo said. Rika frowned.

"How?"

"Say a five-word phrase while wearing that thing." I said.

"Yeah, that." Apollo added. Rika shrugged and nodded, then gave Apollo the death glare to end all death glares.

"If this thing makes my b***s any bigger, I will backhand you, b***h." And then she transformed. She had a frilly, strapless pancake tutu corset-dress with a big bow on the belly and little garter things on her wrist, thigh, ankle, and upper arm, as well as on her neck. Her hair fell in long locks of stark-straight pink hair over her shoulders. She had a long necklace with a circle charm on. Her dress was mainly black with pink accents.

"Why am I wearing stilettos? The last ones I wore broke and KILLED ME." she growled.

"Hell if I know! I didn't make these! Stop getting mad at me!" Apollo complained. I could swear I heard a hint of whine in his voice.

 

"So what're we gonna be doing with these, anyway?" I asked.

"How do I change back?" Rika asked. "As awesome as this dress is, I feel very... exposed."

"Try undoing the bow." I suggested. She did, nothing happened. "How about the bracelet?" Nothing. "The armband?" Nothing. We kept trying until she was about to take off the dress itself.

"Why don't you try the necklace?" Apollo offered. She took that off, and sure enough, she changed back. "Wow, you guys are retarded." he chuckled smugly. I flipped him off.

 

This was going to be a fun ride.

Author's Note

Time awkwardness fixed. :3

Reviews

[Jaiide]

OMG! OMG! OMG! I looove it! I can't believe you used my idea, for the person that's supposed to be me. F*****g awesome. Wow, I forgot how well you know me. post me!