Frightened, Lost, Found

A memoir of hope in finding a Father to love.

Although it has been years I still remember every emotion that was driven into my body and splashed into my mind. The feeling began as a spike piercing into my heart and gradually slid down into my stomach, slowly tightening around my intestines and numbing my mind and body. I have been needing, dying, dreading to speak my thoughts. Enjoy or rather don’t enjoy it but just listen and be part of my world for a moment

Chapter 1-Dead

I went to sleep in my room that I shared with my older sister Maria. We had bunk beds and me being the youngest child, my bed was the top bunk. It was summer. Summer in the central valley of California is unbearable. The heat rushed in through the gaping hole in the bedroom window. The window had been broken the previous weekend by some teenagers that didn't’t like one of my older sisters. As I began to slip into sleep I snuggled next to my cat Schooder. I began to doze off into a peaceful slumber. I was hot and sweat beaded my forehead and my hair slightly damp, but I could care less I had my cat, Schooder, and that meant safety to me. My last thought was blank as I fell asleep. I had none.

 

Waking up I know right away something’s wrong…I’m not in my bed. Where am I. I could tell that it was still dark out even though my eyes are shut. I feel a presences beside me. My fragile hands were clutched onto my shorts and underwear that I was wearing. My head hidden in the blanket that surrounded me. The thick blanket that engulfed me happened to be my parents blanket that was always on their bed. My parents didn’t sleep with it during the summer because it was always too hot, but not tonight.

 

My stomach clenched with fear and my entire body was frozen. I don’t know what is happening, just don’t move Megan and the scary thing will leave. I hear the presence near me chuckle like were playing a game. My goal of the game was to hold onto my shorts and underwear and his was to manage to pry them off.

 

The chuckle was more than familiar to me. I know exactly who it is, the dark presence laying next to my small, fragile, young pre-pubescent body. My Dad. Well, I called him “DAD”. He is the only father figure I have known. My biological father is in Prison. Rape and murder was what he had done to get him in there.

 

Jim, the man I called Dad was not only my only father figure but I love him. This is not happening, how is such a wrong, strange thing happening. I cant comprehend why he is trying to touch me between my legs and pull my shorts and underwear off.

My Mom, I want nothing more than my Mom at this fear stricken moment. She was out with her friends for the night and had not come home yet. She was in no hurry to come home since my “Dad” was home with us kids. My siblings? I know they are home but I don’t know where they are. Fear has me plastered to this bed frozen in place. I’m afraid if he sees me move an inch worse things will happen to me. 

I remember now. This has happened to me before, but I fooled myself into thinking it was a dream the first time it happened. I know now this is no dream. His hot breath brushing up against me ear and hand on me is all too real. 

 

I squeeze my eyes tight and my legs together even tighter. He whispers to me that he knows I’m awake and that it’s okay. Okay? How is any of this okay? Hearing him chuckle as he playfully tugs on my shorts makes me wish I could become invisible or fly away from him, but I am not invisible and I can’t fly. 

He eventually takes a break and heads out the glass sliding door to the bedroom that  leads outside.  I don’t know how long he was gone but it felt like a long time. He eventually comes back and continues his game. I pray he will tire if this game. After trying for a few hours he finally leaves me alone and doesn't come back. I don’t dare move from my spot on the bed terrified not knowing if he will be back. 

I hear my come into the bedroom. Relief washes over me. I know I have to tell her this time. I peek my head out from under the covers. My Mom says something to me but shock has over taken me that I don’t register what she says. I slowly turn to look at her as I sit up in the bed. 

“Mom.” I say with a steady calm voice. “ I have to tell you something.” I stop to gather how I will word those dreaded words that will come next. “Jim,” I pause for a breath “He touched me. It happened before too.” 

Shock, hurt, remorse all cross her face as my words sink in. My Blurts out “What do you mean? Did this happen tonight?”

“Yes, but it happened before too.”  I say still using a steady calm voice as if I’m a grown up stating a fact.

No other words were exchanged. My mom left her bedroom that moment  in search for him. Few minutes after my Mom left my sister Mila came into the bedroom to stay with me. We walk downstairs to the living room with out exchanging any words. We sit on the couch. I see my Mom yelling at my “Dad”, Jim, then he is gone. 

Jim, my “Dad” or the man I use to call “Dad was out of my life faster than he came into it. My Mom gave me the decision of going to the cops or not. At 10 years old kids are not given such a huge life decision, but not me. I was and I was glad my Mom made it my choice. I never want to see that man and to involve the cops meant court, which also meant I would have to testify against him. Only way for that to happen was I had to see him again. 

My life is not the same. I am not a child anymore. My Father was stolen from me because of his choice to use drugs. He claimed the drugs made him do the things he did to me. Even as a kid I know that is not true. After that night my fear for him followed me every where. I hoped it would go away one day but I was wrong.

Author's Note

Please critique and note any grammar issues or anything that seems out of place. I am going to write this in three parts. Here is part one. Thank You