anxious avoidant

i fear your absence like i fear god, it’s mythical and far away and ineffable until it’s not. it’s one morsel of a possibility looming on the horizon until it’s suddenly staining my palm - - no one will ever want to save you

i fear your recoil like i fear my father, it’s ever-anticipated, a constant prophecy that will come to fruition again and again and then once more. if only i’d done something to stop it, stupid girl - - no one will ever want to handle you

i want to bathe you and force you clean, scrub you down and rinse it all away until you’re my lady again. your tenderness abandoned you so easily, disheveled thing, i almost thought you were emulating it. am i nothing? tell me i’m something so i can be. you’ll love me and you’ll hate it. - - i’ll love you and i’ll hate it