Dreams

A Poem by Daniel Fourie

About a girl.

Sun rises, Yawning begins
I am already thinking of you

Get to school, I see your face
My day has been made

I see you as love
You see me as a flier stuck onto a dead pole that no one sees

Finally, you say my name
I look up with hidden joy
just to find out you said 'damn'
not 'Dan'

So I ask myself, how can I dream of us
when you see me as that one cent coin no one wants

But the answer is quite simple actually
Without dreams, there's no motivation and
without motivation what is the point of doing anything really?

So I will dream today, I will dream tomorrow
Longing for the day, you call my name

© 2013 Daniel Fourie

My Review

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Reviews

Chris

Dan...

Welcome to Writer's Cafe. As you asked - I came to find your thoughts and words. First, they are valid feelings expressed by a real person. I can believe you feel the emotional turmoil. Second, young adults FEEL things and really need to express to someone WHAT it IS that they feel. Being "noticed" is a world class and world shared desire and need. How we each deal IS a part of how we progress into adulthood with a greater understanding of the world around us and of our selves and about relationships. Third, everything is intense. Being a young adult, it's all new, and forever, and the heights of wow, and the depths of endless despair. Seems no one else can know or understand what you feel and how! And words just don't seem to fit what you are trying to describe, live with, or even share. I sense tentativeness and attempts to "justify" in your mind what you are trying to express. As you become more comfortable with your own "skin" I think you will find your voice more capable of expressing YOU.

Posted 11 Years Ago

James Hanna-Magill

Dear Daniel

I see you are new to this website. So first of all welcome to Writer's Café.

I am not employed by this site. I am just an ordinary writer and reviewer like everyone else.

I have been on many writing sites. The best sadly closed. Then I came upon this and quickly found it to be a really good place to pitch my writing tent. I hope you will find the same and have an interesting and educative time here as you hone your wring talents.

I flicked through the three poems you currently have on here and choose this one in the end.

I noticed that all three poems are written in a similar (unique) fashion and broadly cover the same territory - love unrequited or lost.

It will be great to see you experimenting (as you hone your undoubted talents over time) with different styles and different topics.

I tend to review long and in some detail. Whilst I can review in different ways at the moment I am using a very structured approach to poetry. But above all I will give you as writer a flavour of the emotional impact the piece has had on me as one of your readers.

My review.

1) Structure / rhyme / rhythm / punctuation / style:

Structure: Seven stanzas, which vary in length between two and four lines

Rhyme: You choose not to.

Rhythm: Given the disparate length of each line, there is no particular beat to the poem.

Punctuation: You do not punctuate at all except for one question mark. I like consistency in poetry. My personal taste. Either punctuate fully or not at all. You broadly do the latter, except for the question mark which I can live with.

Style: I have noticed with the other two pieces, that there was a tendency to start your sentences long, widen them to the middle and abbreviate them towards the end.

The shape of the words seems there to have a meaning, almost like hope building then dwindling. They generally call that concrete poetry. That is the shape of the words on the page reflects the topic addressed.

Here you do not do that.

In style I would call this blank or free verse. That is broadly a summary of all the points I have made above. many use this approach and I find it works effectively with this poem.

It is not so much poetic prose, that is writing in a form which is prose with poetic traits, rather the reverse, a form which is verse written with prose traits.

So well done so far.

2) Use of English: You do not use complex language. Rather the words you use are simple and straightforward which I think goes with the style and meaning of the poem.

3) Allusion / metaphor: You use one only in the line:

'You see me as a flier stuck onto a dead pole that no one sees'

I find that comparison striking and well chosen.

4) Meaning: Many poets will make their meaning opaque, leaving the reader to guess the writer's meaning or place their own interpretation on it. Others may make their meaning clear and transparent.Both approaches have equal validity.

You choose transparency.

It is a poem about unrequited love.

5) Impact: I think everyone will identify with your topic. It is an experience often found in youth. But you can find it at any age. It happened to me a few times in my late teens. So I know the feeling.

6) Favourite lines: The line I quoted above is probably my most favourite but I will give you two others:

First lift:

Finally, you say my name
I look up with hidden joy
just to find out you said 'damn'
not 'Dan'

I do love the touch of humour in this stanza.

Second lift:

But the answer is quite simple actually
Without dreams, there's no motivation and
without motivation what is the point of doing anything really?

I like the philosophical question here. We all must identify with it.

7) Overview: As an early piece, I would guess, there is much to like about this poem. As I say it will be interesting to see you experimenting with different topics and style as you write more and hone your skills.

Anyway again, welcome to Writer's Café. May you enjoy your time on this site.

With my warmest regards

James Hanna-Magill

Posted 11 Years Ago

Dear Daniel

I see you are new to this website. So first of all welcome to Writer's Café.

I am not employed by this site. I am just an ordinary writer and reviewer like everyone else.

I have been on many writing sites. The best sadly closed. Then I came upon this and quickly found it to be a really good place to pitch my writing tent. I hope you will find the same and have an interesting and educative time here as you hone your wring talents.

I flicked through the three poems you currently have on here and choose this one in the end.

I noticed that all three poems are written in a similar (unique) fashion and broadly cover the same territory - love unrequited or lost.

It will be great to see you experimenting (as you hone your undoubted talents over time) with different styles and different topics.

I tend to review long and in some detail. Whilst I can review in different ways at the moment I am using a very structured approach to poetry. But above all I will give you as writer a flavour of the emotional impact the piece has had on me as one of your readers.

My review.

1) Structure / rhyme / rhythm / punctuation / style:

Structure: Seven stanzas, which vary in length between two and four lines

Rhyme: You choose not to.

Rhythm: Given the disparate length of each line, there is no particular beat to the poem.

Punctuation: You do not punctuate at all except for one question mark. I like consistency in poetry. My personal taste. Either punctuate fully or not at all. You broadly do the latter, except for the question mark which I can live with.

Style: I have noticed with the other two pieces, that there was a tendency to start your sentences long, widen them to the middle and abbreviate them towards the end.

The shape of the words seems there to have a meaning, almost like hope building then dwindling. They generally call that concrete poetry. That is the shape of the words on the page reflects the topic addressed.

Here you do not do that.

In style I would call this blank or free verse. That is broadly a summary of all the points I have made above. many use this approach and I find it works effectively with this poem.

It is not so much poetic prose, that is writing in a form which is prose with poetic traits, rather the reverse, a form which is verse written with prose traits.

So well done so far.

2) Use of English: You do not use complex language. Rather the words you use are simple and straightforward which I think goes with the style and meaning of the poem.

3) Allusion / metaphor: You use one only in the line:

'You see me as a flier stuck onto a dead pole that no one sees'

I find that comparison striking and well chosen.

4) Meaning: Many poets will make their meaning opaque, leaving the reader to guess the writer's meaning or place their own interpretation on it. Others may make their meaning clear and transparent.Both approaches have equal validity.

You choose transparency.

It is a poem about unrequited love.

5) Impact: I think everyone will identify with your topic. It is an experience often found in youth. But you can find it at any age. It happened to me a few times in my late teens. So I know the feeling.

6) Favourite lines: The line I quoted above is probably my most favourite but I will give you two others:

First lift:

Finally, you say my name
I look up with hidden joy
just to find out you said 'damn'
not 'Dan'

I do love the touch of humour in this stanza.

Second lift:

But the answer is quite simple actually
Without dreams, there's no motivation and
without motivation what is the point of doing anything really?

I like the philosophical question here. We all must identify with it.

7) Overview: As an early piece, I would guess, there is much to like about this poem. As I say it will be interesting to see you experimenting with different topics and style as you write more and hone your skills.

Anyway again, welcome to Writer's Café. May you enjoy your time on this site.

With my warmest regards

James Hanna-Magill

Rating /100