Moments

A Story by foufa la perle

(A mess of a dreamer)

It took me only one night, one night to realize what I've been missing for my whole life. Something I never thought it existed before. Something I thought I knew everything about, yet had no idea what it looked like. What it felt like when you hold it in your hands and move your fingers around it. How fargile it was, only a little flame and it could burn out. But too solid that it could break you into a million pieces just when you open your mind and let yourself think about it.

It was a sleepless night. I stayed awake until I slowely fell asleep. It's true that all my nights are somehow like that, but this one was different. And for the first time in my life, I didn't replay what happened to me that day. I didn't think about what people said or might say in some future conversation. I didn't think about tomorrow or yesterday. But that night, I was staring at the reflection of the moon on the wall, slightly drowing its way through my window. I thought about it for a moment, but once again that wasn't what I was thinking about.

The thoughts weren't running widely through my head, they were actually standing in a long endless line each waiting for its turn, the night was still young so every little thought had enough time to express itself, to tell what it got to tell and then fades away as I move my fingers through my hair and once it feels like it's time for me to blink again, that little thought creats a giant wall that carries a few other thousands, it leaves through a small door that I can barely see but opens a massive door for its sisters.

And I, well I know you'd expect from me to say that I was lost. But no, not this time! I've never seen it any clearer. I saw it and it was there! That one thought that could save my life, that one thought that I once thought that I'll never find again.

I got up, sat down, then got up again. I was confused. It felt like it was that moment when you're sitting in the audience, desperately waiting for them to call your name, and once they do.. You see it but you don't believe it! It felt like when you wait for someone you love for so long that once they show up, you don't know if you'd go running for them, or you'd just wait for them to notice you in the crowed.

But I saw it, and I wasn't ready to lose it again, not before I look at it, hold it in my hands and move my fingers around it. I wanted to know how much fargile it was, how only one little flame could burn it out. And how it was too solid that it could break me into a million pieces just when I open my mind and let myself think about it. Not before I knew how it felt like.

You don't know what I'm talking about, huh? Well, neither do I. But at least, for one moment, only in one night I realized what I've been missing for my whole life. I've been missing moments.

Moments of joy and running wild, when everyone was jumping up and down. Moments of sadness, when I was suppoed to close my eyes, be less coldhearted like a stone and let my tears fall down. Moments when I should've not been dead, not even before I knew how it feels like to be alive!