I found myself again.

A Poem by foufa la perle

(A mess of a dreamer)

When I was 15, I wrote my first poem
it wasn't quite interesting but I was proud of it
unsurprisingly, I called it "I don't care anymore"
and each time I think of it, I just..
no longer belong to it, the way I did before.
It was about someone I cared a lot about
but that's not the point of the story
so let's just turn back to when I first decided to let it all out.
You should've seen the look on my face when I finished it
for me, it felt like I was facing a giant mountain
and I could finally climb it.
It felt like I was staring at a hurricane
but this time, it didn't cause me any pain.
These were just some words that rhyme
I collected them all together, and called it a song!
I was really proud at that time.

But the beginnings are always shiny and bright
nobody really wants to get to the dark side..
please don't get me wrong, I had a lot of people around
who supported me for that one thing I loved
they stood up, gave me an applause
and put on my head, a crown.

But as I told you, not all stories shine in the dark
I wrote and I wrote until there was nothing left to write about..
from one side, it was good
cause I could finally let go of my miserable past
but from the other hand, I was sad
and all I kept wondering was..
"Is this the end of me?"
"Will I ever find a way back to this world or should I just admit that I lost another part of me?"

I stayed a while without writing a thing..
I go back from school..
go hide in my room.. stare at my notebook,
ignore it and just go and listen to some music
"it'd give me inspiration", I assumed.
But nothing came to my head,
and each time I tried to write, I just sat there with shaky hands
well, maybe I was breathing, but inside? I was dead!

Now, I don't want you to think
that this is how I lived my life as an 18 years old
I lived days that were shining like gold!
I fell in and out of love
I'm sorry to say that, but it wasn't worth the ink or the blank space this time..
And here I am wondering, "is this the end of me?"

A few days ago, I watched this video of a girl
who was just like me.. "alive but lost"
I tried to look deep in her eyes
and that's when I realized.. I wasn't alone in feeling that way
I couldn't help it but make myself stay!
I knew if I could hold on now, I will have no regrets.

So, I handed myself a piece of a paper and a pen
and told myself.. "give it a try".
And unsurprisingly, I found myself writing about my life
but this time, it wasn't from the perspective of a 15 years old who thought she didn't care.
It was from the mind of a girl who cared too much until she lost herself.

But do you know what's good about being lost in some place?
You open your eyes and you find yourself in somewhere else..
A world that you never thought it existed
or a world you could possibly create with your hands!