Son, Please Don't Move to Utah

Tongue-in-cheek humor

As many of you know, I belong to
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,
also known as the Mormons. This is a
'tongue-in-cheek' write about us.
We have been called a cult and it is often
said we not only don't believe in the Bible
but we also don't believe that Jesus Christ
was our Savior. None of these stories are true.
At the end of this poem is what we
believe (in a nutshell)...it is our
13 Articles of Faith.

But for now, I hope you enjoy the humor here.
(Oh yes, we also DON'T practice polygamy).





Please son, don’t move out to Utah,
‘cause then you’ll come back with three wives.
You know those Mormons will get you,
I just don’t know how you will survive!

And then you will have 20 children,
the Mormons don’t use birth control.
How will you ever support them?
You know you can’t go on the dole!

You can’t drink your tea and your coffee,
no more wine to relax every night;
those Mormons have spies to watch you,
they don’t let you out of their sight.



Their spies have begun infiltrating,
everywhere you can see them pass by.
You will always be able to spot them
with white shirts and riding their bikes.

I don’t think they worship as we do,
and I’m sure they’ll change who you are;
you’ll have to start wearing a suit and tie,
drive Suburbans and not a sports car.



You will have to learn to eat Jello,
I think that’s their favorite type food;
you’ll have to start calling me “sister”,
and son, I don’t think that is good.

I’ve heard they don’t read the Bible,
they have a strange book that they use.
They’ll tell you to pray when you read it,
but son, that is all just a ruse.

If you pray ‘bout the book or the church,
that’s how they will capture your mind.
And son, I would sure hate to lose you,
I don’t want you to live your life blind.

So son, please don’t move to Utah,
‘cause then you’ll come back with three wives.
You know those Mormons will get you,
I just don’t know how you will survive!


© Forrest Phelps-Cook


Basic Mormon beliefs are expressed in the 'Thirteen Articles of Faith,' which were listed by Joseph Smith when he was asked about the basic beliefs of the Church. [1]

1.We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

2.We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression.

3.We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

4.We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

5.We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

6.We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.

7.We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

8.We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

9.We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

10.We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

11.We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

12.We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

13.We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.