Raw Bacon in the Classroom

A Monologue

"I hear that thirty percent of your life is spent asleep. And I said, screw that, I'm not going to have my life owned by sleep and taxes! So I got up at four in the morning to go to the gym. Then I came home and made myself three eggs before I went to school. Then I threw out the eggs because I'd just gone to the gym, and I made myself a protein shake instead.

 

"When I was in school, I was hitting buttons on my phone because I obviously wasn't learning anything. No one receives my gaze unless I deem the thing worthy of vision, and my teacher eats too many twinkies. So she tells me to put my phone away, and starts with the threats. She says she'll call my dad. Do you know what I said?

 

"I said, 'I'd appreciate if you wouldn't mention his name again, thank you.' And I kept playing with the phone. I like the way the green numbers light up, ok? I like it.

 

"She didn't say anything after that. I think I scared her. But when I came home, my dad took my phone away, and I knew what happened. So I came up with a plan.

 

"The next morning, I sealed two strips of raw bacon into a Ziploc bag. Then, I concealed this bacon in my backpack. It was the perfect plan. It couldn't fail.

 

"In class, when I saw the twinkie-b***h, I reached in to get my books to pretend to learn, and while I was down there, I unzipped the plastic bag. At first, everyone tried to ignore it, but after thirty minutes...the stench was undeniable...the classroom reeked of bacon. Of my bacon. Everyone smelled my bacon! I loved it. Everyone asked. Finally, I reached in, grabbed the precious meat, and held up the clear back proudly...displaying my bacon to the class.

 

"No one could really punish me. I hadn't broken a rule...like coming in late or using a cell phone or calling my teacher a twinkie b***h. Everyone just kept asking me why. Did I forget to cook it? Was I planning on cooking it later? Did I rush breakfast, and I brought raw bacon in my haste? Was this a part of a religious view? No, no, and no.

 

"No one could punish me. It was the perfect crime, the perfect revenge. When my dad asked me, I just told him that he was being annoying. Tomorrow, I'm going to pull out my iPod during class and begin to relax. I bet you she won't say anything. Not a damn thing."