8. Under the Knife

Song by Rise Against. A fight with Ivy leaves Drew thinking there is only one option left, he never meant to cause anyone pain.

 

It had been two weeks, she was a shell. She came out in the cover of the night for her meals, where no one would see her or the tears that still covered her face. I watched her, heard her every night pass my bedroom door and almost silently go down the stairs. I felt like I was the one to blame for my sister being like this, she was someone who was full of life not this person who only comes out in the night. My mother has gotten more frantic and so has Kate, I might have been avoiding her. I swear their coming up with a conspiracy theory. I had to talk to my sister before I talked to the rest. I never told Kate but the words he said cut deeper than I let on, and the anger that took over me scared me a bit. I was slowly losing control and she had my weapon sitting in her dresser somewhere. I sat down a few minutes before my sister was supposed to come down for her meal. The kitchen was warm and I could hear the buzz of the summer night out the window, the sun was just barely beginning to break dawn and it was hours before my parents would be up. The wooden seat stuck to my barely clad thighs. Like clockwork I heard her shuffle down the stairs, she walked by me and I thought she didn’t notice me.

“What are you doing up Drew?” She continued to make some of the tastier leftovers in the fridge.

“Your freaking out mom, you got to come out of your room sometimes.” She placed the knife she was holding down on the counter.

“I am a grown woman Drew, I can do what ever the hell I want to.” She picked up her plate and made to leave but I stopped her and stood in her way.

“People care about you Ivy, your only hurting them.” She turned to the table and sat down.

“You should know about hurting this family Jan. You hurt mom when you told her you were a boy, you hurt all of us when you went and got Declan killed. You hurt when everyone found out you’ve been cutting. You hurt me when I lost my boyfriend because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut.” I was shocked at what she was saying.

“Did you hear the things he was saying about me, he practically told me to go off my self.” I saw her face the blank expression and then the cold look in her eyes.

“Maybe you should Jan, there is no escaping that you’re a girl. You can’t just wake up and decided you are a guy, look at all the pain your bringing everyone as a guy. Look at Kate, it scared the s**t out of her to do what she did to get you to stop cutting. She cares about you and may even love you but you are only bringing her pain.” I backed.

“Your wrong, this is who I am. I am a guy and all that is a lie.” She was just messing with my head, she was angry at me. She stood and stalked over to me.

“You know it is the truth, the truth that you will never be a guy. Never be accepted.” I turned and walked up the stairs and into my room I looked at my self in the mirror and saw that I was never going to be a guy. I found some paper and scribbled a horrible note and took it with me. I broke into my brother’s room, it hadn’t been touched since the day he died and searched for his car keys and found them in a drawer in his nightstand. I quietly as I could placed the note on the counter near the coffee pot and went out into the dark garage, the sun was starting to rise high so what I was about to do would have to be done quick before anyone I cared about could find me, this had to be done. I was nothing but a freak. I pulled the dusty cover off of my brother’s 1967 silver Chevy Camero. I backed it out of the garage and when it hit the street I turned the engine and took off. I slowed when I neared Kate’s house, I had to say goodbye. I stole up the tree near her window and left her a photo my mother took a few weeks ago. I walked over to her dresser and picked up my knife. She looked so peaceful and beautiful sleeping, I in no way deserved her. I walked over to her bedside and traced the out line of her face. I had to know what it felt like, I leaned down and gently caressed her lips, she started to wake and I pulled away but her arms snaked around my neck, I froze I didn’t want to be caught.

“What a nice surprise.” I smiled and kissed her softly again.

“I’m sorry.” She looked at me.

“What for Drew?” I unclasped her arms from their position and placed them clasped together on her stomach.

“You will know soon enough.” I stood and went to leave through the window, but I found it harder than I thought.

“Drew what did she say?” I just took out the window but Kate was hot on my tail.

“Drew talk to me.” She was getting frantic and she grabbed my wrist but I shrugged her off.

“Kate go back inside by the time you wake up again it will be all over.” I was hoping she was still half asleep and she won’t pick up the underlying words.

“Stop, remember what I said? You hurt your self you hurt me.” I turned and held her hand in mine remembering the feel.

“I already have hurt you, Ivy told me what that stunt you pulled a little under a month ago did.” She pulled her hands away.

“What else did Ivy say?” I looked into her brown eyes.

“The truth.” I walked away and got into the car never looking back at the woman I left behind. I drove to a cliff where my brother always used to take me.