Of Burning Breath

She witnessed her mothers last few moments. Kendra goes through her life up until the point her mother died.

They say she was a great woman but of what I knew she was far from it. I saw her die and her last moments have scarred me forever. They all say parents mess up their kids but not many kids have watched their mother die. It began to rain as my aunt sung my mothers favorite song. I remember as a little kid her singing it to me, before she went down the wrong path. I listened to my aunts voice as I drifted to a happier time.

"Kendra, come here baby." A five year old Kendra ran to her mother who was baking a cake for her up coming fifth birthday. Kendra got up on the chair next to the counter and began to mix the batter. While her mother hummed soft tunes.

 

I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended too soon
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed

 

It had been five long years since her mother had baked a cake for her birthday or even remembered it.

 

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

 

They Came knocking on our door, it was the middle of the night and a thunder storm brewed out side. Kendra walked down to see her mother talking to two men in uniform. She hoped that her Daddy was coming home as she hadn't seen him in a year. Her mother had been withdrawn when her father was away, retiring to her room early. The six year old Kendra would sneak up to her mothers door and hear the quiet sobs through the wood. Now she rushed to her mother as she collapsed to the floor. Tears coursed down her face, thoroughly confusing the six year old. Kendra's mother turned to her.

"I'm sorry honey but daddy's not coming home." The little girl did not understand the significance of this at the time but in later years she came to know what really happened that stormy night.

After that night, Kendra learned more and more on how to take care of her self as her mother was around less and less, going out partying most nights leaving the small child alone.

 

It was late in September
And I've seen you before (and you were)
You were always the cold one
But i was never that sure
You were all by yourself
Staring at a dark gray sky
I was changed

 

It was late September, Kendra had just turned ten. Her mother would disappear for hours on end and come home non able to take care of her. But Kendra never forgot this day. Normally on this day Kendra would go home to tuck her mother in when she came home drunk and passed out on the couch. But even though as it began to drizzle Kendra stood at her fathers grave. It had been five years to the day that she hasn't seen her father. She looked to her left and saw Ethan approaching her. Kendra tried to shake him off but he was hopelessly in love with her. He started this two years ago when they were eight sneaking out to go visit the grave when Kendra stood there just staring at the grave. He would try to be a source of comfort in anyway he could. He hated it when he saw Kendra cry. But today on this day was not any different. But as the two ten year old's stood on the cold blustery day, Ethan tried to be there for Kendra.

 

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

 

Ethan stood back at her mothers funeral. He still loves her till this day. He had helped her for four years now, harboring the feelings he does because at the time, she didn't need him nor what he had to offer. He had known that Kendra had taken care of her self for many years and she would do fine on her own. But even if it was just watching he wanted to be there for her. She walked away, tears poured down her sweet face and I followed. Knowing exactly where she was headed. I stood next to the tree as she looked at her reflection in the water.

"Why do you keep coming back? After how many years has it been that I've been horrible to you?" Ethan moved next to her and sat on the bank.

"I knew or hoped, one day you would want me around." Ethan shrugged as he looked down at the water. The next action shocked him. He felt a slight pressure on his cheek and looked over to Kendra.

"Thank you." Ethan smiled at her, finally she needed him.

"What for?" He teased. A small smile broke out on her face.

"For being thoughtful, there for me when my mother wasn't. There for me just watching when I sit at my fathers grave. Its good to know someone cares." Ethan smiled a sad smile.

"Your mother cared about you." Kendra looked away.

"If she cared why did she kill her self." The statement hung in the air because neither wanted to know why. Kendra began to hum.

 

I wanted to hold you

I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right....

 

She thought back to her mothers last minutes, no fourteen year old should of ever had to see.

The bed room light was on, and the old mournful song her mother used to love to sing drifted softly though out the house. Walking up the stairs I hoped my mother was only drunk, but the last few nights approaching my fathers death she began to grow worse, almost violent. Just the other day I had to have Ethan help me cover up a black and blue eye. I walked into her room and saw her on the bed. Next to her was an empty wine bottle and upon further inspection her pills were drained that she had just filled yesterday. Her mother lay unconscious on the bed with her fathers favorite tie wrapped tightly around her neck and the bed post. In her clenched fingers held a dirty syringe and a liquid bottle of pain killers. I tried to shake her but her head rolled to the side and blood was coming from her mouth. I untied the tie and sat her up hoping that I could get something out of her. As to why.

"Mom, wake up. Please Wake up." I said losing my voice as I repeated those words. Tears came out of my eyes as nothing appeared to register with her face.

"You god damned b***h, wake up. You can't leave me here alone. Not after dad left us. Wake up." My voice rose with anger as her head fell down. I picked up looking into her crystal blue eyes. There was no expression, no little fire nothing. My voice fell as I realized my mother was dead. I checked under her nose for the hot breath that should of came out but alas there was nothing, but my sobs in an empty house.

 

I'll always remember...
It was late afternoon...
In places no one would find...

In need of comfort Kendra found Ethan, he welcomed her with open arms and she crumbled in his embrace, crying. How she hated to cry but in his arms, she felt safe like he hid her from the judgmental world. It might have been months after her mothers death but she still shaked every time they passed the old house. Ethan just held her hand tight. I went through the motions only coming alive when Ethan was around. But in the cold of the night at my aunts house I was alone. My father died at war and my mother left me. I got out of bed and threw on a cloak walking down to where no one but Ethan knew I would be. I sat in the chilling cold on the dock, contemplating whether to jump or not. Let the icy water freeze my veins. I ended up sitting on the edge until I saw the sun invade my horizon, my breath was visible in front of me and reminded me of how no more breaths were taken by my mother. I stood and took off my coat wanting little between me and the icy water. I just stepped off the dock and didn't fight it when the water pulled me down. But then I was being pulled up. I sat sputtering on the dock, ready to kill who saved me. I looked up into the dark green eyes of Ethan. His hair dripped into my face being darkened by the water.

"Why did you save me?" I said exasperatingly, the cold over came me.

"I couldn't even get the chance to tell you I love you before you try to off your self?" He said slightly angry. He wrapped his dry coat around me, warming me. Then with a clear conscious did I realize what I had just done. I turned to him he was shivering but didn't care, he just stared at me with a hard gaze that was as if it pierced my soul. I leaned over and kissed his blue lips, warming them with my own. Both of our breaths mixed as we pulled away. His breath was warm on my face, like the sun in summer. He stood and held a hand out for me and pulled me up. It was when we were standing that I noticed silent tears had mixed with the water dripping from his hair. I wiped away a tear with my thumb.

"I thought it would be easy." He shook his head at me as we walked.

"Nothing is ever easy, but we all have the choice to live." He looked to me as our hands intertwined.

"Be there with me when I tell my aunt. I need to tell her what I saw that night my mother died." He nodded pulling me closer to heat him self up but in the truth I didn't mind. I had fallen for the boy who was always there.

"I will always be there for you waiting." He smiled and kissed the top of my head. As we walked I knew one day, the nightmares would stop and one day I would be ready for the world again. But until then I tried to stay shielded from the world in Ethan's arms. I sung the last part of the song and Ethan just smiled at me.

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

 

Song is Cry by Mandy Moore