Ten easy steps to being a better cabbage

    Who are you? How old are you? What do you like to do in your spare time? What
kind of idea are you? Are you tasteful? Are you attractive? Are you
enlightened? Do you know the truth about why your brain has wrinkles? The
answer to all of these questions is probably no, but I am here to fix that.
You see, this document contains all of the answers to all of the questions
that have been plaguing mankind since the beginning of time as well as the
answers to the questions that you haven't thought to ask yet. It's all here
before your eyes. All that you have to do is figure them out. Here we go.

    Lesson 1: you are wrong. In every instance that you have ever thought
anything, you are wrong no matter what that thought might have been.

    Lesson 2: the brain wrinkles over time because of the tiny imps, which occupy
you're cranial cavity. They are born along with you and although their size
stays the same their numbers grow daily. The reason that your brain wrinkles
is that they are all equipped with tiny knives, which, under an electron
microscope, oddly resemble straight raisers. Some of them are positioned near
your ears and their job is to listen for information worth carving into your
gray matter. Another group is positioned halfway between your ears and the
top of your head. Their job is mainly to pass info along to imps in other
areas but they do their fair share of carving and finding desired information
also. The ones at the top of your head are mainly for governing the actions
of the imps and making the final call as to what info. is stored and what is
tossed out the other ear. They do the least carving of all of the different
factions but then what do you expect? Power breeds corruption in any living
thing, even imps. The last group is positioned at the bottom of the brain in
and around the spinal column. Their job is to tell the other inhabitants of
the body what to do. They also do a small amount of carving in their spare
time.
    The reason that they do this is to make their home a more interesting
and beautiful place to live (no one ever accused an imp of being selfless).
Although their motives are not the best you must ask yourself ,"What would I
do without them?". The answer to that question is not much. The reasons for
retardation, infants dying soon after they are born, autism, stupidity, and
Rush Limbaugh are simply a lack of imps.
    The imps often fight amongst themselves
about what information to carve into the walls and the fights occasionally
become violent. When this happens it is referred to as a headache. The reason
for all of the pain is that, as you well know, brain cells have a bit of
trouble rebuilding themselves when damage is inflicted upon them, there for
the remaining brain is scar tissue. The riotous imps are tearing each other
apart by the thousands and in the process they are slamming into large
amounts of scar tissue. When a headache is localized in one specific part of
your brain that means that one of the factions is fighting with it's self.
Headaches end when the imps from the top of the head get to the problem area
and solve the problem by summarily executing the leaders of each warring faction.
    Have you ever been trying to think of something that
you know you know but you can't think of it for anything? There are 2
reasons that this occurs.

    1: the imps have forgotten where they put it. This
mainly occurs when you imbibe large amounts of information at one time
[a.k.a. Cramming] and the poor overloaded imps have to carve so fast that
they don't have time to make a mental note of where they put what info.

    2: the imps are on strike because they feel that they are being mistreated for
some reason or another (this happens for many reasons but most often they go
on strike when;

1: People don't give their imps enough interesting stuff to
carve

2: A person kills a lot of their imps with recreational drugs [imps
are vegan you know ]

3: Your imps don't feel that they are getting enough
rest. An artistic notion occurs when two or more thoughts run together as
they are being transcribed.
   
(I could write a book about the imps and their
culture but the "illuminated" blue bloods in charge would probably have me
killed. If they wanted you to know this then I wouldn't have to tell you.)

    Lesson 3. Icke was right in saying that the world is run by lizard/human half-breeds.

    Lesson 4. Weakness not money is the root of all evil. People that do evil
deeds for money do so because they are weak. The people that like to blame it
all on money do so because they don't have any. Many people are afraid to
recognize this truth because everyone has some weakness and therefore we are
all evil (some more than others depending on how many weaknesses they have
and how powerful the weaknesses are).

    Lesson 5. Brush your teeth.

    Lesson 6. Everyone is born with certain gifts and everything else you have to
fight for. If you have a lot then good for you but you are probably an
a*****e so you can burn in hell with all of the other a******s. On the other
hand, if you are born with very few gifts that is no excuse to be a lazy a*s.
Anybody can do anything if they try hard enough and if they don't then they
can burn in hell with all of the other suicides. Those who are born with a
mediocre amount of gifts should strive to be better at everything than
everyone else is. There is nothing worse than being mediocre. Mediocrites can
burn in hell with all of the other boring things that plague the earth.

    Lesson 7. Believe in something, even if it is wrong. But don't be afraid to
lose faith when something better comes along.

    Lesson 8. Listen to the ravings of madmen, for the line between brilliance
and insanity is nonexistent. If someone seems crazy to you, it is probably
because you are too stupid to understand what they are saying or doing.

    Lesson 9. No matter how old, sick, lonely, fat, dumb, hated, destructive,
crazy, brilliant, poor, loved, beautiful, or anything else you think you are
there is always going to be someone out there who is more so.
   
    Lesson 10. Life is only as valuable as you make it. If you want your live to become more valuable, here are a few easy and effective tips.

1: Piss off as many rich and powerful people as possible. As the price on your head rises your life will become more and more valuable.

2: Strap a bomb to yourself and alert a crowd of nearby people. Every one of them will immediately consider your wellbeing to be one of the most interesting and important things in the universe.

3:  Catch a non-curable terminal illness and see how fast your outlook on life changes. You may be the only person who values your life, but that's better than nothing.

    Well, there you go. Did you get it? Probably not. If you are not sure, you
will know whether you have gotten it or not by performing this simple test.

Step 1- find a mirror.
Step 2- look in the mirror.

    

     If you now have the head of a cockroach you understand. If so, congratulations, feel free to go on with your life using this knowledge to make the world a better place (at least
until the primates around you, confused and disgusted by your new appearance,
chase you down and kill you with a giant shoe).

     If you are dead, my
condolences, my writings have strange side effects on my readers some times
so I am very sorry, no really.
      If on the other hand nothing has happened you didn't fully grasp everything
and I suggest that you reread the paper to clarify. If you now resemble the
cabbage that you have always truly been nothing can be done for you. You were
mass manufactured by the illuminated lizards to piss off the real people of
the world because people are dumber and easier to control when they are mad.
My advice to you is to seek out your creators and kill them making the world
a safer and happier place for everyone in it. If you are skeptical or haven't
gotten everything that was hidden in the "10 steps to being a better cabbage"
(you look the same now as when you started reading) I assure you that one is
because of the other.

Reviews

[Jennifer Ryan]

You've given this a lot of thought! ;) Great job.