Life Advice on Self Love to my Baby Sister

It started when I was seven.

I couldn't wait to be eleven.

Always wanting to grow up so fast,

That everything became part of the past.

 

I was the tallest girl in my class

And the only one who wanted to pass.

The first to get a bra

And the embarrassment that comes with it.

 

When I was nine,

I was the new kid at school for the first time.

First thing that was said about me?

"Don't talk to the fat girl,” said the queen bee.

 

I began to exercise,

Everyday, to be precise.

Stopped eating lunch in 6th grade

And began munching ice.

 

By the time I was 10,

I felt seen by men.

I was the only girl

That had puberty began.

 

At eleven I was diagnosed.

Anorexia, they said,

If you don't start treatment

Soon you'll be dead.

 

I started middle school,

With all my schedule full,

With doctor's appointments

And evading all invitations to the pool.

 

Ana said she was my best friend,

And proved it when the year was about to end.

She showed me a new path

That included daily criticism in the bath.

 

By December in the snow,

I wanted to know,

What it would be like to jump

And fall far bellow.

 

When 8th grade began,

I went into a clinic and followed the meal plan.

Impatient, outpatient,

Bright lights on the ceiling and none in my eyes.

 

Weight restored doesn’t mean recovered.

Was something I learned when I relapsed.

Entered ninth grade with a big smile,

Went out with an overgrown medical file.

 

"Are you counting up calories again?"

"You are looking great!"

"Are you losing weight?"

"You are so vain!"

 

As months passed by

And I lost my first pounds

I saw the dark circles

Around my mom's eyes.

 

"I thought you were recovered."

Was all that I heard.

"Are you hurting us on purpose?"

This is all so absurd.

 

That summer in the city

Last floor, pent house,

I leaned through the window

And hid like a mouse.

 

Became so obsessed,

It wasn't about fitting in anymore,

It was about death

And feelings to mourn.

 

First year of high school

How did it begin?

Me being absent,

I was at the doctor's and it's no surprise.

 

Ana screaming into my ears

Was all I could hear.

As my parents begged again

For me to stop being dead.

 

Momma, pappa

Don't you understand?

It's not me, it's Ana

I can't let her out.

 

New doctors, new treatment

Same test, same result.

"It is Anorexia".

And who has at fault?

 

Support and patience

Helped me come out.

As voices around me

Silenced the ones inside.

 

To make things short,

With the love I received I built a fort.

I made myself strong,

And fought Ana as a sport.

 

With many new hopes,

I began the new year.

Wanting to grow

And living without fear.

 

When I began my way

Through the recovery path,

I felt like I was blind before

And now could see light.

 

I began to realize

That being alone

Didn't mean I had to follow Ana

Or listen to her lies.

 

My parents grew older

Each passing day,

As I became stronger

I saw them take a big breath.

 

I proved to Ana

That she was mistaken

For I could be happy

Without being taken.

 

Now here I am,

5 years later

Since first diagnosed.

Standing stronger than ever

And wishing for better

To come.

 

P.S.

Oh little girl,

Please be clever!

You are beautifuler than ever,

Believe in yourself.

 

Hey baby girl,

Please don't worry.

The sun will shine,

Life is not scary.

 

When the sun is out

The moon will show you

The right path.

Just believe and watch the stars.

 

There is so much more in life

Just wait to discover

The miracle of smiles.