Sorry.

This is a poem about my struggle with self-harm, the only person in my life that knows of it, and how that makes me want to heal.

I am so sorry.

You think I’m not.

But I am.

I shouldn't have told you.

You shouldn't know.

No one else has seen

The intricate array of

White

Pink

Red

Lines that spider along

The porcelain skin of my thigh.

I have protected them

From this ugly truth

When you were the one 

Worth protecting.

The one I wanted to open up to,

And the one I couldn't bear to upset.

Not only am I sorry

For telling you,

But I am sorry

For doing it at all.

I can’t explain,

Or rationalize,

Or justify it.

Not in the way

That the world expects.

You have never asked 

Me for a reason.

You have never scolded me.

You have never given me 

One ounce of guilt.

That is my doing,

And mine alone.

The only thing I get from you

Is comfort.

Protection.

Someone

To make sure I’m okay.

And if I’m not,

Stay beside me regardless.

The release I get from

My destructive vice

Is fleeting.

Temporary.

Wrong.

The release that 

You give me

Is so much better.

Its stable.

Its right. 

It is so very selfish

Of me to turn to something

That hurts me

For help

When it hurts you as well.

The more I love you, 

The less I want to rely

On my sadistic way of

Trying to cope.

Trying to forget.

Trying to move on.

Trying to feel better.

Please know

That I am sorry.

That I am ashamed.

That I am trying to end

My reckless addiction.

For myself and for you.

Because in the back of

My jaded mind

I can't help 

But to speculate 

That these scars may stay with me forever,

But hopefully

So will you.

Author's Note

So I may be falling in love with my late night train wreck poems. This one is extra rash and somewhat disorganized, and I would edit it, but that is part of my feelings about this. Lots of review and advice about this style poem! Thanks lovelies :)

Reviews

[Bee C.]

Like Jennesis said before me, even knowing specifically what this relates to, it could be applied to any other human flaw that we want to hide... But this is about self harm, and that's perhaps the most brutal. All the conflicting thoughts (opening up to someone you care about, but at the same time wishing you hadn't hurt them by saying it) make for nice poetry, but also it's very true.

On a personal note, I've been in very similar situations. I've never self-harmed, although until very recently I was in a intense state of depression where I seriously considered it many a time. So I've been there and can say that the conflict is real. I was torn between fear of the physical pain, fear that it would be the final straw on myself so to speak, and... scolding myself that I "wasn't even strong enough to make this decision for myself". Not strong enough to hurt myself. Isn't that strange?

I rambled a bit there. It has little to do with your writing but is just a reaction to it. Oh, and it's not to say that self-harm is a weakness. Far from it. But, again not about the writing itself, but I find it necessary to say: none of what you're feeling sounds selfish to me. Self-harm, from what I gather, is a kind of addiction, and so you have to kick it. That's not easy for anyone. Ask any alcoholic or smoker going cold turkey, and it's surprisingly similar. But anyway! In hindsight I've learned that under the spell of negativity, not everything you think or feel is at all reliable. So that's my input.

Disorganised works for this piece. Scattered emotions, vaguely connected thoughts and great leaping thoughts and conclusions... I really liked it. The content is heartbreaking, but this is well done. I, too, I think am falling in love with your late night poems.

[floraleverything]

Thank you so much Bee, this is probably the best response I've ever gotten. I'm sorry you've been in similar situations, but I'm so proud that you made it out. What you just said made me feel loads better myself. I suppose I'll have to continue with the late nights then :)

[Falling Leaf.]

No need to edit raw emotion, it's perfect the way it is, sometimes a mess is beautiful. Nice wordplay and description, I can feel your frustration passion sadness and everything in between, splendid write and thanks for sharing~

[Jennesis]

I know this is about self harm but I can see it relating to any flaws we don't want people to see. Nice job

[floraleverything]

Thanks love! Hahah this is ridiculous but that just made me think of Katy Perry's Dark Side

[Jennesis]

:) for sure

[Don't just B, but B ama..]

Deep, I started thinking of a lot to say, but then...silence. I can relate although I never self-harmed I am bipolar and dealt with other issues my entire life as well. So all I can say is, NEVER GIVE UP! Thanks for sharing. Keep writing, especially if it keeps other negative things from occurring.

[floraleverything]

Thank you so much, its always nice to hear that. Good luck to you too :)