The Doormat

I saw you
hurry down
the dusty path
to my house

the clouds
that had kept me company
all these days
were now clearing away

the sun was out
and shining
as if desperately wanting
to be noticed

but I'm glad you came

I had convinced myself
that doors were only meant
to shut reality away
until you knocked

come in

enter with your
muddy shoes

paint my floor
with the hues of
the places you've been

I yearn to smell the world

come in

don't give the doormat
what it wants

don't give it a part
of you

just come in,
whole.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Great writing evokes emotion & I want to hate this narrator for being such a doormat. What I love is that you didn't make this profile predictable at all, it's very surprising & complex, even as the underlying theme is relatable. Even tho this narrator is being presented as a doormat, there are people who might actually be in such a situation for good reasons, too, such as someone who can't get around well enuf to be with the other person, but loves when he/she returns & relates outside experiences, if it refreshes the relationship instead of causing resentment or jealousy. Then the last word seems to be a twist. Here the narrator has been so wimpy but throws in that last word like a knife to the heart (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[LE Berry]

My mind came to things such as rugs and flooring being more important than people. Concise and very visual work Zoya.

[Zoya]

Thank you for the read and review! Means a lot :)

[@_av_poetry]

Lovely poem, lovely metaphor. I can relate to it.
I love this part:

don't give it a part
of you
just come in,
whole.

Who's that *** analyzing your poem like dissecting a bloody insect and telling you It's not good enough? It's your piece of work and you wrote it the way it felt right. A bit of feedback is great but that review is outrageous.

[Zoya]

Haha, ignore him, please. He's notorious for his reviews. My fault actually, forgot to NOT send him a read request :)
Apart from that, I'm so glad you enjoyed the poem. Thank you so much!

[Chris Shaw]

I think without doubt the clouds are lifting and the open door offers possibilities. Doormats are good to keep the mud off of carpets, but in relationships doormats are not a good thing. I like where I went with your words.

Chris

[Zoya]

Truee, doormats don't work in realtionships. Thank you for your words here, Chris. Appreciated :)

[Chris Shaw]

You are welcome :)

[Sawdust]

Poetic and genius. Breaking the lines adds another dimension to it.
Simply genius

[Zoya]

Aw thank you! Glad you liked it :)

[Sawdust]

Poetic and genius. Breaking the lines adds another dimension to it.
Simply genius

[JayG]

Does breaking: "I saw you hurry down the dusty path to my house," into short lines make it poetic? No. Does it change the meaning? Again no. So why do it?

• the clouds that had kept me company all these days were now clearing away

"All those days?" The reader has no idea of where we are, who we are, or what's going on. How long was "all those days?" A week? A month? Years? And why does the weather report matter? You know. The unknown speaker knows. But the reader has no clue. Worse yet, they don't know if you'll clarify later. So will they read words that are meaningless to them in hope that it may later make sense? Would you?

• the sun was out and shining as if desperately wanting to be noticed

Seriously? There are few clouds, so the sun is obvious—and providing all the light this person sees by. So do you even have to mention it?

But that aside, It was sunny today, and I'll be damned if I could tell if the sun wanted to be noticed. How does one tell if a star wants to be noticed?

• but I'm glad you came

Okay, who the hell is this "you?" It's not me, and you give no clue of what's going on, so this is meaningless to a reader. Sure, the one this was written for knows, but the reader has not a clue. But aren't they the one it was written for?

Here's the deal: poetry is emotion, not fact-based. The idea is to move the reader emotionally, not inform them. So never talk TO the reader. That's a report or an essay, not a poem. And never forget that without context the words are meaningless. So when editing, always do so from the viewpoint of the one reading the work. And unless that reader has context, you need to provide it.

For example, if you talk of "the sheiks of children at play," The reader has context because they've experienced it. But if you say, "I yearn to smell the world," you have a reader who lacks all context for the meaning. And in poetry, context is everything.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Sawdust]

You kill it's beautiful soul trying to inculcate poetic devices
It's imperfection has it's own beauty

[John the Baptist]

liked the spare, clear delivery of this one. We can feel the speaker's resurrection from the doldrums rising, becoming more urgent as the lover approaches. The clearing away of the clouds was excellent symbolism for the lifting of depression.

[Zoya]

Happy you liked it! Thanks a lot for your time and review :))

[wordman]

so it seems you are glad he came back

[Zoya]

in the poem, yeah :)
Thank you for your time, wordman!

[wordman]

you`re welcome

[Ted Kniffen]

Well done, Zoya. We should always welcome those who wish to visit...even the ones with muddy boots...good that you're jealous of even the doormat...speaks of love.

good one.

[Zoya]

Really appreciate your views, Ted. Thank you so much :))

[Wild Rose]

I wish someone would come to my door > Closed to keep out the weather

[Zoya]

Open it as soon as the bad weather clears away :) thank you for the read and review!