In The Depths Of A Dark Forest...

      A cold, blustery wind swept past my face as I stood there alone, petrified, clueless, in the depths of a dark forest. Suppressing all the questions that took form in my mind with every hoot of the owl and chirp of the crickets, I took a step forward. The sound of a twig breaking from my weight echoed through the almost silent wilderness. There was no sign of movement. I continued to walk with heavy steps under the starry night-sky; the huge trees around me prevented even a speck of moonlight from reaching the ground. My ears, listening closely for the softest of noises, abruptly heard a low, inhuman sound that froze me in my tracks. Oblivious of the forthcoming danger, I slowly turned around to locate the source of the sonance.

      The ravenous beast’s ferocious yellow eyes met mine. In the blink of an eye I spun around and ran for my life, though knowing I was sure to be followed. In a distance I could hear the rapidly approaching footsteps. I feared looking back. Unaware of the fact that my legs were taking me deeper and deeper into the ghastly forest, i kept running. The beast seemed determined enough to have me as his dinner that night. With my heart pounding, throat as dry as a desert, and clothes wet with sweat, i came to a halt; not because of my feet’s inability to take me any further, but due to the sight of the monstrous trees that rose into the gloomy night-sky, stretching all the way up to infinity. It was an unusual setting. The trees were positioned in a huge circle, seemingly standing guard to something. But the thing which i found more disturbing was the small gap between the two trees standing right in front of me. It seemed as if someone had twisted the tree trunks out of shape, especially for me to pass through. Without wasting another moment I slid through the small opening. Alas! I wish I hadn’t. Beams of shining white light, appearing to originate from the heart of the evergreen circle, pierced my eyes like arrows. My eyes adjusted to the light before they fell upon its genesis. I couldn’t believe my eyes. In all its glory, emblazoned with all kinds of gems, shimmering with a glow, stood a gleaming brand-new sword, as if patiently waiting for someone...waiting for me.

      I neared the tree stump into which the sword was fixed. Inching closer to it, I read the words engraved on wood: “Now or Never”. It all happened so fast. I pulled out the sword applying some strength. I felt the beast’s presence behind me. Without giving another thought I turned around, and the last thing I saw was blood. Everything went pitch black. All i could see were words, words in red ink, blinking on my computer screen, saying...“Game over. You win.”

Author's Note

Thoughts?

Reviews

[elioaks]

I really liked the sudden twist at the end. I have to admit, I'm a sucker for those kinds of endings. However, there were some points when you used very intelligent vocabulary ("...fell upon its genesis" or "...the source of the sonance"), and they didn't sit well with me. That high-level vocabulary is tricky to use in a first-person narrative because you first have to convince the reader that the narrator is someone who would use those words. The protagonist's voice wasn't consistent and therefore made the story a bit choppy at points. Other than that, great story!

[Zoya]

Yeah, I agree. Thanks for your time and review!

[Deepak Belbase]

I like the way you explain the fear and your urge to fight against it. The feeling on given situation was totally inhuman no body can even imagine that it could be an computer game. Great piece of writing... Keep it up.

[Zoya]

Thank you so much. I appreciate it!

[Jerome Malenfant]

As I started to read your story I felt that there should be more in the 1st paragraph to set the scene for the reader; give the reader some idea of the what and the why the protagonist is doing there; i.e. to orient the reader in this reality. But when I got to the end I realized that you wanted to surprise the reader with this being a computer game. But I still think some initial orientation would be helpful; i.e. that the protagonist is looking for a sword and why, and what are the dangers there. Also, since it's a computer game, descriptions of how the protagonist is 'petrified', 'feared looking back', etc, don't ring true since it's just a game. As written, the point of view is of someone who is in real danger, but at the end the reader finds out that he/she is not. So you might want to rewrite it so that the danger is only implied.

It's not very believable that such a vivid reality could come just from a computer screen; maybe change it to virtual reality?

And I think it would read better if the number of adjectives were cut back a bit.

Added (minor) point: "THE cold, blustery wind..." The word "the" implies that this is something that the reader already knows about; i.e., it's something that has already been introduced into the story. But the reader has just been dropped into this unfamiliar setting, so "A cold, blustery wind..." would I think be more appropriate in the introduction.

[Zoya]

Uh-huh, I get what you're trying to say. I'll try to correct my mistakes, and not make them from the next time. Thanks for your time and review!

[Samuel Dickens]

Young lady, your talent for writing is significant and well beyond your years. The first paragraph does a great job of pulling the reader in, and then the tension continues throughout. I agree somewhat with Jack, below, in that you might consider dialing back on some of the descriptions. As an example, you wrote this: " the sight of the monstrous trees that rose into the gloomy night-sky, stretching all the way up to infinity." Consider changing it to something like this: "the sight of the monstrous trees that rose high into the night sky..." Often times, it's better to understate, rather than overstate.

[Zoya]

Yeah, I understand. Thank you so very much for your kind words. It means a lot!

[The Last Dragoon]

Nice job, but a little over written. Cut it by a third, remove a lot of adjectives, avoid awkward constructions like, "source of the sonance" which might not even be a thing.

Personally, I think surprise endings like yours completely undermine the story. It's hard to care about a character when nothing actually matters.

[Zoya]

Oh I see. Thanks for your time anyway.

[J.Garrett Miller]

HI Zoe! I love the concept of being lost in a world, but then being thrust from it as you realize it was a simulation, a game. The story has so many areas you could dig into to paint that picture for the reader even more. Get them caught by the moments. When you are building up to the big reveal of the sword, try and capture all the emotion, the terror, terrain, possibly even the smells. Also, try to avoid cliché's if at all possible, unless they are part of a dialogue.

Great short story!

[Zoya]

Hi Mr.Miller! I got your point, and I'll keep that in mind from the next time. For now, I truly appreciate your time and review. Thanks so much for reading!

[Morchantwen]

I enjoyed this very much. Your words really paint the scene and I found the ending very different from what I expected.

[Zoya]

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing :)

[Matilda 3000]

The building of suspense was very cleverly done I felt like I was right there in the dark woods too. A playful twist at the end. Enjoyable read!

[Zoya]

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

[Jessica Lima]

Zoe!

Sorry it took me so long to get to your reading request. I spent a few weeks away from my computer. But all I can say is... Dayum!!!

I love this story. You packed so much detail it was like I was there myself. I could...FEEL everything as if it was happening to me. And the end was so NOT PREDICTABLE which is so hard to do nowadays.

Awesome, Awesome, Awesome!

[Zoya]

Haha, really glad to know you liked it. And no problem at all for the slight delay :) Thanks again!

[Jobira]

You are a natural story teller, keep it, as enjoyed reading this one.

As the last person commented, it was a great twist with the last words, "Game Over!"
Who would ever thought you were still at home, not in the deep wooded forest? Lol
Great work!

[Zoya]

Thank you there :) Means a lot!