On the Stage: Polyvocal

This is my part of my slam team's polyvocal piece. The first draft. Hot out of my hands... poor punctuation, no line breaks, so forth.

This is my one night stand
standing up here, bare as bed bred love

You are all strangers and I am your keeper

Keeping with words which you try to decipher

My secrets, my past my present misfortune's forgiveness

The heart that slips off my sleeve into your lap
And I have to pretend that I don't give it

Cramping under your wants

my show, it runs on as my voice begins to go

Going, the end is near and I am only beginning
To wrap my lungs around this decision

Personified seats preparing strangers and sore listers, rating my provisions

to travel down love beat and baring the weight of all of you staring

While I am blindfolded, feeling around hoping that you won't notice

As my head, writ and rearing, continues on
Fumbling, fearing ending the never ending words that keep appearing
But this isn't just my word to you
You want a show and I must come through. To stop stammering

Whispering in your ears from where I am standing

As my heart beats wild, slamming

Down to the stage,

Slamming down on my knees

waiting for your applause so I can breathe.

Author's Note

Tear it apart. I, along with my team members, have to perform this (well, the final draft of this) in front of an audience of hundreds, so please DON'T be gentle.
P.S. you will be able to rate the FINAL version only, thank you!

Reviews

[J. Alexis Balaguer]

Floornine,
Your almost esoteric play of words does it again.
To me the poem is more so on existentialism, where the world is of the persona's "myself",
although in this poem, the outside world is of great importance as the images that appear in my head are those of a performer whose every move is judged by thousands of seers---
mostly blind, by what truly happens in that stage of the persona.

No comment on structure and form,
the content is fantastic as it is.

Enjoyed and adored it,
Punishment

[raining]

you wwrite well and this is well, as in not sick or anything. i think you are a great writer. as you maybe know, since you wrote this, if i had written it it would be one of my best, but you are a better writer than i am, and so i can say this is good and maybe if read on a stage would come across well (theres that word again) but it isnt one of your best. the flow is well done and your voice as always is very sincere. it is good but not striking the way many of your poems are.

is that okay? i mean, i think you should publish a book, you are that good. but i cannot lie either. bye, raining

[raining]

okay. i will. i will look at it tomorrow so i can give it some time.

I wish I had what you have, a place to read, there are no other writers that i know of in my city, it would be helpful to have actual friends who were writers. (oh poor me) (shut up) (there I go again i wander around at work talking to myself sometimes) (shut up) (see i constantly censor myself) (your an idiot) (no no no no no) (help)

i will look at it tomorrowq, it is very good, you have a GIFT. bye