The Day My Dad Died

1-9-08

Ever since December things have just felt off. I had a feeling it was going to be my last set of holidays with my dad, just sitting there in the back of my subconcious. And today he passed away while I sat holding his hand. I wasn't planning on being in there when it happened but it was so quick. They took the breathing tube out at 7:30pm and he stayed at a strongish steady rate for two hours. My brothers and I left my mom to go pick up some food and we had decided we were going to leave after that because none of us wanted to see him while it happened. So we got back probably at 9:30pm and I ate a little then went in to relieve my mom so she could eat. She was in their singing to him and she said it had calmed him down and lowered his blood pressure. His vitals were better than they were when we'd left. So I told her to go eat and I would wait with him. I talked to him; told him a couple lame jokes but he wasn't responsive because of the morphine. It had probably only been 10 minutes since my mom left when his vitals started dropping slowly and steadily and he wasn't breathing as hard anymore. Joe and Anthony walked in at that moment and I told them what was happening. It was like he had only been staying strong for my mom and when he knew she wasn't there he decided to go. I broke down even though I thought I wouldn't. I felt panicky and scared and wanted to run out the door but I couldn't leave my dad without my mom being there first. I thought he'd taken his last breath, I didn't hear anything anymore and then my mom came back in. She leaned over and stroked his hair and told him it was ok to go on. And he started breathing again as if in response to her voice, like he had to be strong for her, but she kept telling him it was okay and finally he did. It was so horrible to watch I still don't feel like it happened. It felt like I was watching it happen to someone on TV. The last thing I thought I would be doing today is watching my dad die, but I got to see him and talk to him one last time. I know it was time, he'd been struggling for awhile now and he's in Paradise waiting for us.

I think that's why I'm okay with it because I know he's in a better place. And I started to feel stronger about things on the way home. I feel like I know what I need to do and I just have to start doing it. No more excuses. So I feel like it's a beginning for me because of the end. I don't know if I even make sense but I know what I mean...lol

Good night...