shadows never stay still

she was not my heaven she was my hell in disguise

she was a shadow of the hatred and anger i had run from for so long 

she was a who she was 

its hard to see clearly through broken lenses with a broken spirit

i thought i had it in my power to fix every wrong 

i overestimated my own human strength 

and she tore me apart

one hatred to another 

things had never changed but my illusions kept me content. 

we are all scared little animals 

afraid of death afraid of life afraid to love afraid to be alone afraid of never moving forward but afraid to take the first steps 

we run back to the bad places and the bad people we are used to and we long so desperately for something better 

what is better

when we find it, does it ten quickly become sour and we search again for better

are we destined to be lost in a loop of searching for better

what if there is something better than what we think is already

what if there is something better than me 

am i to be passed through by many people, looking for their better, and finding it in me for a short time, only to leave to search again, 

are we to be shadows to one another

everyone with a trail that follows

what if i become your shadow

what if i become yet another dark cloud to follow your subconcious

what if you come to the deepest parts of my soul and find nothing that pleases you

what if you saw me completely vulnerable to your hand and changed your mind

what if i had nothing to offer 

what if the idea of me no longer sounds exciting 

how can you really now

are we all just delusioned

i know i was a time before, the darkest shadow in my path

she never really loved me

she loved the idea of being saved by me 

she loved the comfortability of having another person worry for you, and care for you

and allow you to abandon all consideration for yourself 

she loved what i could be to her 

never really me

and i loved her, and i wanted to be her saving grace, 

i thought if i was saving somebody i was in love, two things which are not related at all and were definitely not in my case

i loved her because i thought she would love my broken pieces and see past them

instead, she looked at my scars in disgust and cared nothing but for herself

ignored my heart entirely and demanded for me to tend her wounds 

i decided miles were the best remedy to the pain she caused me

i wasnt looking for him

but by chance or coincidence or by the stars he found me

and i am unsure

just as all us little creatures are 

if i make my home inside another person

will he rip it out of my hands 

can i put away my things and rest each night in its safety

can you really know the true intentions of someone's heart