MY BEST ENEMY

I consider this to be my weakest piece.

MY BEST ENEMY

I see you intriguing,
Lifeless but breathing.
Your eyes are perceiving,
Opportunistic and deceiving.
You roll the die,
Corrupt me with a lie.
You are the deity of men,
Choose for me, purgatory or heaven.

Before you I stand broken
My nightmares recently awoken
You leave me no choice
I hear my enemies rejoice.

My loss, your gain,
Your happiness, my pain.
I take two steps back
And cross into the dark.

Now I see your true colour,
In this, my final hour,
But this is not the end,
My best enemy, my worst friend.
Tomorrow we shall plant a seed
And grow a tree of greed.
I may soon be gone,
But the sun will rise to a new dawn.

Reviews

[Lady Celery]

I still liked this one - maybe not my favorite, but it's better than anything I could ever come up with. I liked the rhyming, and the way you used the commas to separate and create a flow was actually really nice. Maybe some of the phrases could be re-phrased to create a more natural flow to it...

Example: Instead of "My loss, your gain, your happiness, my pain" you could try (and since I'm not a poet this might make things worse, but I dunno) saying "My loss, your gain, your happiness is my pain."

Something like that. I was trying to be in the mindset of "If I was going to make this a song, what could help this flow better?" Not sure if it worked, but I am a songwriter and for me that would most likely work better in a song.

Nice work!
~Julia