SLAVE TO THE PAIN

What pain do you succumb to?

SLAVE TO THE PAIN

I slave away to this pain.
My heart tarnished by a stain,
A stain you anointed in disgust,
A stain that corrodes me, so unjust.

My heart torn, drowning in malevolent tone.
Soon the flesh will give way to the bone,
Feelings and emotions will pour out,
My mind shrivel in this emotive drought.

Thoughts collapsed and memories denied,
The remnants of my conscience crucified.
My hollow shell plagued by a disease,
Call off your hounds; I beg you please.

The stain has rippled through me like a quake,
This nightmare must end, only I can’t wake.
My breath of life gushes a rebellious bleed,
A fragment of my former self, I grudgingly concede.

A symphony of tears washes over me,
The Grim shadow, just won’t let me be.

Author's Note

Awarded 2nd in the following contest:
http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Love-%26-Pain/11710/
Awarded bronze in the following contest:
http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Sweet-Suffering./11571/
Awarded 5th in the following contest:
http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Pen-and-Ink-Poetry-Contest/11441/

Reviews

[Devons]

I think the flashes of violent imagery within this poem are what make it a little more than the ordinary introspection that we are used to from many poems: "The flesh will give way to the bone"/ "My mind shrivel in this emotive drought"/ "Call off your hounds"/ "Life gushes a rebellious bleed"... All very powerful and clinical emotive descriptions which evoke the desperate straits of the mind and soul.
The only weak point, I think, is the first verse: the rhyming just seems that little bit too forced. Overall, though, a good piece of work, and with a fierce strength of description.

[David W Moore III]

Very nice. The imagery jumps out at you. My only small criticism would be With the rhyme scheme, my head wanted a more structured rhythm that didn't quite come together. I think it might work better as non rhyming free verse. But Maybe you wanted the mental discord that this gave. Either way, good poem!

[OkieWonKenokie]

This poem has some great imagery in it. I like the lines

"Feelings and emotions will pour out,
My mind shrivel in this emotive drought"

Such a great write. Can't wait to read more writes by you.

[Nancy Lee Shrader]

Congrats on this great winning poem. Well Done!

[Crowley]

M y breath of life gushes a rebellious bleed.....I love that line. This is a deeply anxious feeling poem to me. Dark yes, a bit violent, yes, a bit sad, yes. But really anxious and to me anxiety is more dangerous than any of the others. Iat makes people do things that they notmally wouldn't, think things they normally wouldn't. This was a great piece as always.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I find the third stanza to be the strongest in this piece. The whole piece is like a razorblade to the wrist, as if you just opened it and bled across the screen.

Linda Marie

[Abdul Aziz]

I agree with everything Devons has said here. The poem reads really smoothly from the second stanza onwards. There are some really exquisite lines of poetry here, as I have come to expect of you.
"Soon the flesh will give way to the bone"
"The remnants of my conscience crucified."
are awesome lines!
And the conclusion, I believe is superb! "A symphony of tears".. that is a brilliant phrase.
Another job well done!

[zogzog]

to me flaw this is a very deeply felt poem. maybe that is why i seem to relate so much to your poetry. the connection of one's own demons i guess....i like it....

[Breezie Kae]

Nice write, I love the rhymes. :)

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I think this is good. I have been to a slave to a lot of things. Pain is absolutely one of them. I can relate to this poem. I really liked it.