Virgin Lost

In the dim afterglow of the fluorescent tubes latticed into the ceiling of your apartment -
I can see, almost smell your silhouette plastered on the drapes.
As I sneak up behind you your sad inferiority, conceivable only by the way you hold your glass with both hands, slaps me in the face.
You lie, starry eyed and ignoring the stains all down the front of your dress, you smile and wink, I'm disgusted.
The fact you lavish the feeling of appearing flawlessly innocent despite the disparity inside you makes me livid, unseductable.
Yet you'll try, not phased, stopping only when my time is up and your drivers beeped twice so you know it's safe to venture home.
No more and never again will I taste your essence and view you nude, cross-legged on the floor.
So i retreat, barely breathing.
I feel paralyzed by the crushing sensation of this new found morality of which I feel so far away from.
Your cheap porcelain sink offers little to zero salvation as the contents of our fast food first date disappear down the drain.
The warm hard water can not wash away the way you said "that was amazing" nor the fact you eyes lacked any amazement whatsoever.
And so, in a strange bathroom on the other side of town, I slept shirtless, filthy and confused.
Drifting into dream state, I can still hear the ecstatic cries brought forward only by the moment when lust and anticipation come together full force in a sexual crescendo.
I can feel it all around me, as sheep pay sacrilege to the naked wolves of the Chicago underground.
I am gone, staring off into the lunar reminder that morning will surely come, and that try as I might, I can't seem to run from what I've become.

Reviews

[caesarkreshen]

I've continued on.

This is good, too. Same thing again, some lines seem to have too much information for my liking. Line two, for instance... or sentence two, I feel that slaps me in the face is a powerful message and it's only an afterthought due to the sentence structure. It's not extremely ugly to say "as I... slaps me in the face; it is..."

Anyway, there is a lot I like. I feel your writing. I think we are kindred in a way although not in language. More of idea-wise. I really, really believe if you separated it into more complete, powerful thoughts that it would be better. The language is fine you don't need to play with grammar, imo. LOOK AT MY WRITING, it's extremely simple in terms of form. I try to break it up in to the most bite sized pieces. I think you could try that, for once just to see what happens. It might give your writing a more constant backbone. It's all there, just rearrange it.