The Poem that Should Be

For anyone who knows the critique and knows the rule, and knows that no poem can ever be perfect.

 

I’ve got some lovely words here

Written down on a ratty piece of paper;

I can string them together so finely

With such sentimental ease

Those who read them

Will weep and mourn each syllable

Each letter,

Each diagonal slash of a comma.

 

I can create a rhythm envied by Krupa

He who feels the infectious beat

Stands and holds his partner close

Swaying to and fro,

The beat pounds out rhymes

In the heavy steps of their swinging frames.

 

The melody could be sweet and happy

The orchestra of words sings the notes

Of memories and holidays and sun and sand.

Those who read the melodious web of words

Will be caught and wrapped up

By the sound of their own child-like voices

Ringing in their ears.

 

But for those who study its meter

Find the rhythm is off-beat

And the orchestra forgot to tune.

They mourn the potential

They mourn the grammatics

They mourn every lacking detail.

 

They sigh and whimper

In a depressing manner

And pray there was something they missed;

 

But the thing they must accept--

Above all, above all:

 

The poem that could be

The poem that should be

Unfortunately,

Does not exist.

Reviews

[Angel Baby]

You just made my day after reading this poem....earlier someone critique a poem of mine so much that I actually deleted it from the site. Felt like all they cared about was the grammar and punctuation and to heck with the poem...made me wonder if it was read at all. I know it's to help us learn to be better at what we do, but I seriously felt ripped apart as I never had anyone do that before to that extent. I even went on to block them from reading my stuff sad as it is because I always hope that when someone reads my poems that get something out of them. Well enough rambling...time to get off my soap box....just want you to know I think your poem is fantastic .....sends out a great message, and will be placed in my favorites. Thanks for sharing. PW

[American Progressive]

A lot of critics are terribly anal. If there is one mistake in terms of grammar, punctuation or anything of that sort, they trash the piece. Now, I may point out a mistake or two if it's recognizable, but that alone is not enough to determine the quality of the piece.

As for this one � I thought it was fantastic. Wonderfully penned. Good work.

[Prince of Poetry]

wow this was really good had me guessing throughout like where is she going with this but I see great title as well kudos to you

[Boonrassi]

I've got some lovely words here

Written (down) on a ratty piece of paper;

//not needed.. its redundant

I (can) string them together so finely

//not needed.. avoid can........verb constructions like bear traps.

With (such) sentimental ease

//all these weak modifiers really suck the snap, the potency from the lines.
such and so..
i bet you a hundred clams you can find a word you LOVE to replace 'such' at thesaurus.com.
or click the Sage icon on your desktop there.


Those who read them

(Will) weep and mourn each syllable

//you might see how thats not needed at some point.

Each letter,

Each diagonal slash of a comma.



I (can) create a rhythm envied by Krupa

I create a rhythm envied by Krupa

//quite powerful that way... nice line.

(He who feels) the infectious beat

//could be stronger, less verbose.



Swaying to and fro,

//avoid cliches like stepping into a propeller

The beat pounds out rhymes

//same here sorta.. it just...................lacks power. its been written a thousand times. its
forgettable.

beat
cadence, cadency, flow, flutter, measure, meter, oscillation, palpitation, pound, pressure, pulsation, pulse, quake, quiver, rhyme, rhythm, ripple, shake, surge, swell, swing, throb, thump, tick, undulation, vibration

pulse, thump.......................cooooool.


Unfortunately,

Does not exist.

//seems really unpolished to me... word choice needs to be cranked up. its sorta redundant in places.. its too long for the message.
ever try a form with rules.
i think youd dig the cinquain form. and the nga uta.
each line has to be a certain syllable length... i think youd benifit by having a set form to follow.
i looooove cinquains.
good luck.
T

[Marie]

Nice work.

[Pema Dorje]

metapoem and meter; the potential is stunning... u got my vote

[7h3fr34k]

Wow, incredible job on this poem! The rythem is amazingly underlaid, and unnoticable until you hear that everything flows much better than it should. Before those ending four stanzas, you may even believe that this poem is the one described in it. It feels like it could be. You almost want it to be. The poem itself takes on its own description, as it says that the poem on the paper is a sweet and happy melody, this poem in itself becomes sweet and happy, an upbeat tune that is fun to listen to and read. You can hear the beating of it. But there, at the end, you show the reader the truth. That truth that no one wants to accept but is undeniably true. The poem described cannot exist, and this poem is not it, no matter how close.
Good work, I truly admire this.
-7h3fr34k

p.s. - good luck in the contest =)

[Paul Skyrm]

"Mourn the potential"

the marrow in this ; no stronger testament ever barked

[J]

Oh! Interesting point of view. Sometimes I forget just who I am writing for. So - the reader would always 'change' something? and, to the writer, of course, a poem is never finished ... the beauty of writing and reading poetry, it offers so much latitude. Well done, I enjoyed this!

[Brett Campaigne]

i bow before the bravado of this poem