"It's All Good", aka, Don’t Eat Anything

SHE’S got her own lifestyle website and unashamedly shares her words of wisdom with millions. But what actually happens when you spend a week living like Gwyneth Paltrow?

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While I’m pleased to report there’s no conscious uncoupling going on in my life, living like Gwyn was surprising. Surprising in that, I didn’t hate it all.

Here’s how it went down:

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KEEP YOUR FOOD CLOSE

One of Gwyneth’s food philosophies is that your general health boils down to what you eat between your main meals, and you need to keep good snacks within reach. From what I can gather, her faves are raw almonds, raisins, coconut water, kale juice, lemon juice in water, homemade salad dressings to dip veggies into like “my ‘Mexican Green Goddess’ dressing �" goat’s yoghurt, jalapeño, coriander and honey �" or a carrot and ginger one.”

I buy a kale-and-something juice as a ‘treat’ on the way to work. It costs me seven dollars which seems extreme for something that tastes like earth. I spend a small fortune buying all her other suggestions to set me up for the week �" this healthy snacking stuff is expensive business, especially when it comes to coconut water. Why in the world is coconut water so expensive? And does coconut powder do the same thing? Is there a coconut tree near where I live which I can steal from? Are these the kind of questions Gwyneth ponders?

In all honesty, snacking on veggies and raw almonds and raisins is fine, and I’ll definitely buy coconut water whenever it’s on special. But unless it’s on special, I’m not forking out for it.

I tackle the hardest thing next: The diet. The Paltrow household has eliminated gluten, dairy, processed foods and chicken’s eggs. On the topic of gluten, Gwyneth wrote in her book It’s All Good that “every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across seems to concur that (gluten) is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it. Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.” This does not sound fun.

I would say gluten is my ‘weakness’ �" pasta in every form is one of my favourite foods, and also my fallback when I don’t feel like cooking anything major for dinner. I spend a day going without gluten, dairy, eggs and processed anything, and it is fair to say that I am apprehensive.

I usually have an omelet with asparagus, spinach and tomato for breakfast, but I end up having oats and a banana instead with soy milk. Boring. I have steamed chicken and veggies for lunch which is fine, and I try to ignore the muesli bar sitting in my top drawer. Am I allowed to eat the chewing gum?

Then, OF COURSE, the unthinkable happens. I get delivered a bread basket. I have NEVER been delivered a bread basket before. Why today! The bread literally smells like it’s just been baked, there are four different types of jams … I feel like I’m on Survivor and being asked to choose between comfort and food. I choose food! Except I can’t. I give the bread away.

I try drinking my afternoon cup of tea with almond milk and I nearly gag. I look at my water bottle and feel sad inside. I remember that once Gwyneth said water has feelings too. This is getting out of control.

By the time I leave work I am in such a bad mood. Dinner is pork and salad. I understand the “specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs” thing now. I feel empty. I feel HUNGRY. I hate this.

TEA TIME

Green tea and nettle tea seem to be Gwyneth’s hot drinks of choice. One of her contributers outlines on Goop that nettle tea is a good for you because it’s “powerful diuretic, naturally caffeine-free and reduces bloating, blood sugar, blood pressure, and inflammation.”

I ditch coffee for the day and turn to these teas. What a mistake. I thought dandelion tea �" which I did buy once in a rare moment of indiscretion �" was the worst thing I have ever tasted. I was wrong. I was honestly so disgusted by the nettle tea that I threw it straight in the bin. Some plants just aren’t meant to be digested, and this is one of them.