A Leo Short - Bomb

A Leo Short is a series of random short stories that have nothing to do with following a storyline. This one is about a bomb. Bottom floor of the Qwest building in Denver, Colorado, BOOM!

   The Qwest building is the tallest skyscrapper in Denver, Colorado. Toppling that would mean toppling some smaller building as well. Leo looked up at the massive height. He is the only known superhero. And his powers, everything. They are basicly unlimited, he can do what he want. As he stared up the building, he knew if the terrorist succeded, the city of Denver would go into chaos. This was something he had to do.

   Leo just happened to be in Denver at the time. Its so weird how he always is somehow . . . there when trouble arrives. And this was considered trouble, big trouble. The report the cops had given him said there were seven terrorists inside the building, on the bottom floor. There is a bomb in there, ready to topple the building. They had let everyone on the bottome floor out before starting thier work. 

   The leader was holding a button, firmly. Police said that if he let go, the bomb would blow. That would have been bad. But Leo knew exactly how to deal with them.  Cops shot at terrorists inside, which, in turn, where shooting at the cops. Only one of the terrorists had died in the shooting, none injured, but three cops had died, with five injured. 

   But, time stood still as Leo looked up that building. He froze it. Some bullets were stuck in the air, many reports left waving their arms in a frozen stance, everything, its like the pause button was hit. He looked down to the door and walked in. The room was big and blue, and the terrorists were croutched shooting the cops. All except one. He stood in the middle of the room, along with a steel cylinder. He was stuck in mid-stride as he paced around it. His hand was up and his thumb held a button in place. 

   Leo walked over that way. This would be simple, the only problem is, there was a rule to stopping time. If you touched something and moved it, time would return back to normal. Luckily, the door was already open. Score one. He walked up to the man with the button and put his hand around it. He pressed his thumb to the button and quickly yanked it out. Again, gunshots were heard, and the terrorists were scared out of their wits. The guy now without a button yanked out his gun and aimed it at Leo. Leo took it with his mind and turned it around to the terrorist. The gun hovered at eye-level, and the trigger pulled. The guy dropped dead in front of Leo. He turned to the rest that were now yanking their guns out to aim them at Leo. Six quick and deadly accurite shots from the hovering gun were heard and they all dropped dead with holes in their heads. Deadly accurite.

   Leo smiled his victory and turned to the steel container. He slowly disabled it with his mind so he wouldn't make a mistake, and then let go of the button. He walked out of the open door of the building and looked around at the crowd of people. They all looked dumbfounded, but after awhile, they all cheered. He felt pride swell inside him at what he had done. Leo had completed his first major save. Score!

Author's Note

Ignore spelling and description of setting. I know setting wasn't greatly described, but I don't know what the bottom floor of the quest building looks like.

Reviews

[hvysmker]


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Keep in mind that I've been known to be in error in my critiquing, more often than I like. If in doubt, that's what google and yahoo are for -- check it out. Many of my comments are simply my opinion, take them or leave them, I won't be angry.



The Qwest building is the tallest skyscrapper in Denver, Colorado.
*** skyscraper

Toppling that would mean toppling some smaller building as well. Leo looked up at the massive height.
*** Don't use a simple "that". Maybe, "that edifice"? What smaller building? If you don't know, make something up. Oh, and "toppling" is used twice in the same sentence. Maybe something like: "Toppling that towering edifice would crush the theater next door, and maybe Johnson's Car Emporium on the other side." Finally, bringing in Leo should be the start of a new paragraph. A paragraph should have only one subject. In this case, the building. Leo is a new subject.

They are basicly unlimited, he can do what he want.
*** basically And it should be two sentences. wants

As he stared up the building, he knew if the terrorist succeded,
*** succeeded. Use your spell-checker. Also, you have a change in tense, from present to past. Stared should be staring, present tense, and knew should be knows, present tense.

the city of Denver would go into chaos. This was something he had to do.
*** Same as above. will, not would, and it instead of This was. Has instead of had, to keep the story in present tense. Looking down, I see a lot of past tense. Maybe you should change the above part to past tense? It's as easy as changing is to was. There are only a few in the above section.

Its so weird how he always is somehow . . . there when trouble arrives.
*** It's for it is. It's is for it is, and only it is. Anything else is its.

And this was considered trouble, big trouble. The report the cops had given him said there were seven terrorists inside the building, on the bottom floor. There is a bomb in there, ready to topple the building. They had let everyone on the bottome floor out before starting thier work.
*** Darn! More changes in tense, back and forth from present to past. You have to make up your mind on one or the other. Nuff' said on that subject.
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�� That would have been bad.
*** No crap! He, he. I'd take that sentence out.

Cops shot at terrorists inside, which, in turn, where shooting at the cops.
*** were shooting at the cops.

He froze it.
*** It? What it? Time. He froze time.

Some bullets were stuck in the air, many reports left waving their arms in a frozen stance, everything, its like the pause button was hit.
*** Awkward sentence. I'd rewrite it completely and, remember, short choppy sentences heighten the tension. Something like: Bullets paused in their flight, hanging in the air. (I don't understand the next phrase. Did you mean reporters?) Spectators froze in mid-flight, arms raised in panic. It was as if someone had hit the "pause" button on a remote control.

He looked down to the door and walked in. The room was big and blue, and the terrorists were croutched shooting the cops.
*** crouched Maybe: crouched down while shooting at the cops.

Leo took it with his mind and turned it around to the terrorist.
*** Leo used telekinetic powers to turn the gun around, aiming it at the terrorist?

The guy dropped dead in front of Leo. He turned to the rest that were now yanking their guns out to aim them at Leo.
*** That last sentence reads as though the dead man turned his gun on Leo. The subject of the paragraph never changed from the dead man to Leo. A logic error.

Six quick and deadly accurite shots from the hovering gun were heard and they all dropped dead with holes in their heads.
*** accurate

Deadly accurite.
*** accurate

Needs a lot of work, Cypher. Changing the tense seems like a daunting task but is really easy. You keep switching back and forth, sometimes in the same sentence.

Use your spell-checker, and try to picture each scene in your mind. Some of these sentences make little sense.

I might seem heartless in my review, but you should have seen some of my first attempts at writing. Five or six pages of errors were common.

I kept at it and the errors began getting simpler and fewer. I still get them, but only a few at a time. It takes time and practice. I still can't tell an adverb from a predicate, or a preposition from a proposition, but am getting much better ... with practice.

Did you ever read Stephan King's "On Writing"? He recommends setting a daily goal of a certain number of words written every single day, no matter what else you do. They don't have to make sense, but get them down.

Being retired and living alone in a rural area in Ohio, I picked 2,000 a day, and came close. I did it for three years, saving everything. Although most of the early works were trash, the basic idea was still there, and the stories could be fixed up later, with the help of these writing sites.

We amateur writers tend to stick together and help each other. I also found out that studying the work of others taught me a lot. While critiquing, I spend a lot of time researching.

Eventually, you improve. It's guaranteed.

Charlie -- hvysmker��

[moon manmad]

damn, the first thing I was gonna do was point out the spelling problems. lol. but hey, you're aware of that I'll keep my mouth shut on that. as far as the what the quest building looks like, I don't know, either, so we're even. you might want to consider doing some research on that. but as far as the story goes, I'm glad to see the hero not only win but take out a few bad guys at the same time. cool story.

[Elijah]

Great short story! Welcome to WC!