My needs (revised)

Very Graphic! Revised version, a little longer, a lot better.

 

Detective Brown had the top two buttons of his white collared shirt undone with both sleeves rolled up. I noticed his cheap plastic watch as it illuminated the time with thick digital numerals- I could just about make out my reflection. The plain white table held him up as leaned in and asked me about the scratches on my arm. “Tell me everything Sam!!” I admired his ferocity. That fire in the eyes. I had stared back at him, with my ‘cocksure’ grin, remembering how I felt that night. Hmm…Ahh yes, that drive in me- that adrenaline, the lust, the allure. ‘That need’. I began to recall those events…

 

I knocked on her apartment door. That all too common ‘shave and a haircut’ rap. Upon opening the door she then quickly tried to close it after getting a glance at me. I slammed my boot in the way of its closing. Na- ah- ahh!  I was smiling as she had a look of trepidation. She said that she did not want to see me again, that I was too much for her. Fact was that it wasn’t enough for me. I needed more. This drive that consumes me needs to be met. At any cost, I will take it from her, or any other girl that opens their doors to me.  She tried to hold the door and prevent me from entering. I think it is adorable how she is trying to hold me back!  My strength overcame and the door swung open. I quickly turned and locked her apartment door as she retreated in fear toward her bedroom.

 

I left her place feeling unfulfilled. She was like a dead fish. This hunger I longed for was alive and well in me, feeding on the bounty of the insecure and lonely; the frightened girl that hides a child inside. I went on into the night, in search of a quenching for my sick, dark soul. Forever I am looking for what can never completely fill me. There is no control. My heart has darkened a few more shades this eve, as black as the night in which I prey. Love from violence - two antonymic words would be my masters. Into the evening I went, armed with this deadly combination and the compulsion to carry it out. That led me to the local bars, where they gathered callow girls like a squirrel foraging nuts for the winter…

 

Blaring loud club music, lights, glitter and cage dancers. The smell of whiskey and p***y is never sweeter! The music and the dancers challenged my focus, but I maintained. Hmm..blonde hair…blonde hair…more blonde hair. I moved through the dance floor toward the bar and took in the sights. Every girl seemed nearly identical to the next. Even the bartender, who gave me a smile (as if she was interested in me).

“What will it  be?” She said straining her voice over the music.

“Jack and Coke.” I said smiling as I peeked at her noticeable cleavage with hopes she would catch me. But she didn’t. They’re too big anyway.

“It is ladies night ya know.” She placed the drink on a coaster and slid it toward me as she ignored the $20 dollar bill I laid down.

“So I see…so I see..” I said, admiring the view. “Lot’s of beauty here, can really get someone worked up…”

“Uh..yeah..” I don’t think she appreciated the comment, judging by her body language, this conversation was over. F**k her.

 

My anger and lust merged, as a moment froze in time. There she was. Auburn hair reflected the club lights. Straight hair, to her shoulders. Baby blue eyes. Her cheek bones sculpted her smile so perfectly. Long legs covered in fashionable fish-net stockings, unlike any other beauty there. She was somewhat intimidated by the amount of seemingly nameless faces around her. I smelled her fear. For I am pure animal. I am pure love and pure hate. Somewhere between evil and man is where I amass my ill-intentions. I took my steps toward her and offered to buy her a drink. Her name was Debbie. She’s mine.

“What will it be?” I said with a grin. I know how to turn on the charm.

“Jack and Coke, please.” She tried to hold back a smile. Her lips, her eyes, I could barely contain myself.

‘That’s my favorite drink!” I said, continuing to maintain eye contact.

“Yeah? Mine too. My friends say it’s a ‘guy’ drink, but, I love it…” Her tone was playful. You’re a little s**t aren’t you?

I took a quick swig through the bar straw. I can’t taste anything through this f*****g thing. I quickly gave up on the straw and removed it. I emptied the contents in the rock glass, all but the straw and the ice, all in one tilt.

 

The dancing and the charm continued as I had her beaming at my every move. Allowing fantasy to drive me, my manipulation skills start to take over, as the illusion of trust, leads the way to my insatiable control. It was time to move ahead as my excitement was peaking.

 

We arrived later at her apartment were she has thought all she was going to get was a goodnight kiss. Wrong.

“I did not expect to ever find someone like you at a place like that.” She had a glowing look in her whiskey buzzed eyes.

“Nothing is ever as it seems- is it?” I said, looking deep into those blurred baby blues.

She unlocked the door and backed in, just leaning her head out. As I leaned in to give her a kiss, I forced myself in.

“Feisty aren’t we?...but-next time Sam, I hardly know you..” The kissing continued and became more aggressive. The ‘nos’ began as my hands entered her blouse. That drive that adrenaline, the lust, the allure. That need. Blood began to drip from her breast as a loud shriek exited from her lungs. Scream b***h, scream! I struggled a bit as I tried to remove her jeans. She begged me to stop as I held her down. She countered by grabbing my arms, scratching the skin. This only fueled my ferocity. The fishnet stockings would be the only piece of clothing left on her quivering, frightened skin. Her red lace bikini bottoms dangled off her feet. She became overcome with fear and she subsided slowly, surrendering to my pillage. I could taste the blood and the fear that ooze from between her legs. I was there.

 

Disgusted by my brutal honesty, but somehow relieved, Detective Brown received the details of the night and asked for nothing more. A thank you was all he could conjure. Your welcome you f**k. It goes without saying that God shall have his vengeance on me, so I signed the confession.

 

Man is evil. It is in our nature to be such. This is who I am.

 

He took one more look at me before he left the interrogation room and said, “Take Miss Samantha Johnson to her cell, her lawyer will meet with her soon.”

Reviews

[SamBug]

OMG. I didn't see that one coming. Very interesting piece.

[Heidi Hallucination]

It suprised me very much lol. It is one of my favorite pieces of writing that i've read on Writerscafe. It's very good and I really liked it even though it did scare me a little bit lol.

[Janice Ann]

Holy crap! I didn't expect that! This is impressive, scary...impressive! I wish we had the lead up to this sickness in this woman...and I thought it amazing that right away, I pictured this "fucked up" character as a man, I hated him...and man was I wrong! Great work!

Janice Ann

[Kara Emily Krantz]

i'm impressed with this. you definitely have a great story here, and some fantastic insights, etc. i really was surprised by the ending, which was great. and the best part was that it wasn't a twist for twist's sake - you could go back and actually see how the change in our thinking applied throughout the story, if we had known.

i also found it interesting how the story made me HATE men by the end of it, and then my whole thinking is shifted. fact is, even though there are mostly men serial killers out there, there are certainly that percentage of women, as well.

i would like perhaps some insight, evne in just a few words, as to why Sam has decided to confess. That's sort of left there... and doesn't really make sense, from a serial killer's perspective - so the audience sort of needs something that allows us to accept that this is really happening (the confession)

there are some tense changes that happen (mostly within the first 4 or 5 paragraphs- that you have to watch out for - verb tenses that are wrong. i could go back and find them if you wanted, just figured you would want to know, since you seem to be polishing this up for eventual publication.
also, towards the end there is a your that needs to be a 'you're' - it's a 'you're welcome' line at the end

really fantastic piece, though, jason. :) i'm impressed

[Mercury Mirrors]

O.O I usually don't have the attention span for even 2 stanzas of a poem, let alone a story, but this was awesome! I love darker things, & this was just perfect. So twisted & cynical. Very good job.

[Moalix]

I was really not expecting that at all! Haha You had me shocked. This was great! You had me sucked in til the end! Good Job!