The Guillotine (part 2, revisited)

Please read the first part 'The Guillotine'

 

Smite that poor b*****d and off with his head! I stood in the crowd with my family as we gazed at the self-righteous politician who knelt beneath the guillotine’s blade. The bystanders stood in and stared at whom they have presumed to be the guilty one. (I had known who’s hands had released that anvil, down, caving that harlot’s head.) Yes, I had known the truth and I was set to bring it to the grave!  

  

The men in the dark drab drew the rope, lifting the blood covered blade into the flawless blue sky. His neck exposed to vulnerability, much like that of a pure virgin on the steps of a brothel. I had known his game. Sure he held his breath with innocence to this crime, but for whom would pay the price for the vile acts that go unpunished? I say, let the blade release him of his prowess. He is a guilty man. Much like us all. No one sees the thoughts of others like I do. I see it. I see it in their eyes. For this was no uncertainty. This was divine, from the bellows of the beast below.

 

The blade was released from the man in black and made its way, swiftly downward toward the earth. The dullness must have prevented the blade from fully severing the head as it lay lodged in the middle of the ill-fated man’s neck. The gatherers that stood closest were covered with sprays of blood on their clean, sunday garb. Like crimson fountains from roman candles, spewing on the people that bare to witness this justice. The executioners  hurried in an attempt to remove the blade from the half-torn neck. One of the man’s haste caused him to slip on the spilt blood and he fell in a pool of crimson. The gasps of the women who covered their children’s eyes, set the horror of the scene witnessed by all the townspeople. His body flailed about still strapped down in the guillotine. The panic caused the people to scatter. Full of uncertainty, the people had stood undetermined as whether to assist or depart. Their carelessness and indecision haphazardly knocked over the many lantern’s filled with oil for the nights fireworks display, causing a flurry of flames.

 

I frantically tried to exit this hell as the flames filled the square. Women, children and men ablaze. The smell of burning bodies overwhelmed me. The town was trapped as all of the store fronts now gulfed in flames. The heat was near unbearable. Skin was pealing off my body as the shrills of the burning people squealed in my ears. Collapsed, I desperately crawled toward the only source of water for the town, only to find out – it was dry.

 

I laid against the stone well and looked at the fury of flames. Justice rang true and through. Every building, every person… Fire had consumed every inch of this town. Foundations collapsing, homes and businesses burnt. I gazed around at the doomed sight that played out before me. In the blurry of the heat that rose from the fire, stood the only unscathed structure; the guillotine.

  

Author's Note

Many thanks to 'Clouded in Hopeful Illusions of False Delusions' for helping me with editing. ;)

Reviews

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

I'm really glad that you continued the Guillotine. I really enjoyed the first one, as you know, and I really enjoyed reading this one as well. I think it's really great that you have a story for the man who was being killed and for the man in which the damned looked upon. This is the man that he looked at in the first one correct? I love the ending where you say that justice rang true and through. You are right in saying that everyone is guilty, for we all have our secrets. I love your writing. Keep it up.

"as we gazed at the self-righteous politician as he knelt beneath" --- You used as twice in this sentence. For the second as, you could remove he and use "politician who knelt".

"truth and I set to bring it to the grave! " --- Why was it that you chose to use the word set? It seemed a bit out of place, if you know what I mean. So I was wondering if you wrote it this way because of the time period you are writing about, or if it was a personal choice? If you are to use set, I suggest that you put "was" before it, so it flows better.

"to vulnerability much like" --- Comma after vulnerability.

"His neck exposed to vulnerability much like that of a pure virgin on the steps of a brothel." --- I love this sentence. It is a good metaphor and it is very strong.

"I say let the blade release" --- Comma after say.

"I see it in there eyes." --- Their not there.

"their clean sunday garb" --- Comma after clean.

"blood as he fell" --- It may flow better if you used and instead of as.

"covered their children's eyes set the horror " --- Comma after eyes.

"Full of uncertainty the people " ---- Comma after uncertainty.

"Skin pealing off my body as the shrills of" --- This was kind of a broken sentence for me. You could either use was pealing or pealed off, maybe.

[Wildfleour]

Outstanding, Jason. Now this reminds me a bit of "The Lottery", by Shirley Jackson.

You write well, my friend. Very well. I felt like I was standing right there.

[sconzey]

Intriguing, the inner monologue works well here. You've taken a good premise and developed it well, with an eloquent philosophical twist at the end.

Just a couple of things though: There's more than four paragraphs here. You need to make sure you break it down more, so each separate thought goes in it's own paragraph.

Also: the difference between a good writer and a great writer is adjectives. A good writer carefully selects appropriate adjectives for the sense he wants to communicate. A great writer paints the scene so well using nouns alone, he has no use of adjectives. Some really useful stuff here: http://www.will-ludwigsen.com/gym/adverb.htm

I look forward to seeing more from you. ^_^ Keep it up.