Chapter 30

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As I stumbled into the dorms, I avoided the smirks of the older Trialees. I had avoided Melinda and Felicity as much as I could; Zeke had said that he had a commitment to the person that I had been chosen over, and I had a sinking feeling it was Felicity. What with the way she had acted, and the obvious class difference between the two of us, it was a wonder it hadn’t been her that was picked instead of me. Zeke had, and so had Gina. Typical- I was left in the dust.

...

Again.

However, my training with Orenda had begun to change that. When the Trail manager ha said that we were all picked because we were either experienced with magic or had a strong affinity for it, she wasn’t kidding; it had come to me easily. And yet, there was still a lot for me to learn. I tried to drill the laws and methods that Orenda stomped into my head.

First, It has to be music; no music, no musical magic. Duh!

Second, the incantation, (official term for a piece of musical magic), had to follow the music’s guidelines. An incantation inspired by a song about fire had to be about fire, whether it is theoretical, metaphorical, or physical. Common sense, I guess.

Third, the stronger the enchanter, (The official term for someone who has been trained in the practice and use of incantations), the more they could interpret a song. For example, if said song about fire was used to create an incantation by a weak enchanter, they couldn’t really deviate from the main idea- fire. But a stronger enchanter could take on a more metaphorical definition.

The structure of a traditional incantation goes Verse 1, Main Lyric, Verse 2, Main Lyric, etc, until the magic had been sufficiently ‘trimmed’ to the enchanter’s purpose. At that point, a bridge was added, then a main lyric. The verses summon magic and refine it, like going from a congregation to a committee, to a subcommittee. Between each verse a lyric is placed, which grounds the magic. If a lyric isn’t added at all, then things could get a little… messy.

Once the magic had been refined and grounded enough for it to suit the enchanter’s purpose, a bridge was added to release the incantation from it’s ‘cage’, or the area, (about two meters in diameter). This is the enchanter’s last chance to alter, change, or ground the music. Once that’s done, the incantation is-

“You’ve been avoiding me,” purred a voice from behind me, interrupting my train of thought.

I flipped around. “Felicity.” I spun the vowels out gracefully, matching it with a cool glance.

She stalked up to me, auburn hair shifting across her shoulders. “I hear that there’s finally a musical challenge,” she said, mimicking my tone.

“Yeah, I’m psyched. It’ll be a great opportunity to finally prove myself to the snobs here. What about you? Are you going to be there?” I taunted nonchalantly.

Her nostrils flared, and I continued. “Too bad you won’t be competing. I would have loved to kick your a*s out of a spirit circle. Well, you’ll be right where you belong, with the other snobs here, right?”

She ground her teeth, then let loose a ragged breath. “Actually,” she asserted calmly, “I wanted to talk to you in private.”

I snorted. “Please- no one here actually pays any attention to me. If I were to go back upside no one would notice,” I retorted, conveniently leaving our Orenda. What could she want from me? I wasn’t really this dramatic- just prodding at her for a reaction, seeing how much it would take for her to combust in front of everyone. If she really was the one that I had been chosen over for the Maeve Trials, I wanted to make it look like they had made the right choice. Yes, this was beneath me,yes, this was completely wrong, but when I looked at the payoff, and what I could do with that payoff, it all became worth it. All I had to do was win, then make sure I had someone to pass the power on to once I was finished with it.

She shrugged. “Your loss.” she walked away, not saying another word. As she neared the door frame, she slowed a bit, drawing the moment out.

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” I shouted across the room. Her head whipped around.

I crossed my arms, and lifted an eyebrow. “Are you going?”

Felicity looked left and right quickly, then swore under her breath, probably cursing every peasant to ever dare challenge her. I chuckled to myself a as I watched her - she had a lot more coming if she thought I was another little girl without a spine. After a moment, she ducked her head and came storming back to me.

“Please come with me,” she muttered.

I scoffed. “Do I have any reason at all to trust you?”

She puffed her cheeks like a little kid. “No, but I have a message for you.”

“From who?”

She rolled her eyes. “Hm, oh, I don’t know, a certain smart-a*s grandpa dragon named Planeto?”

I cocked my head at her. “First, his name is Planeto and that’s it. Second, how do you know about…” I gestured my hands wildly, like something was on the floor. “That whole thing.”

“Look, I don’t know what happened, but the smelly pile of scaled-”

I interrupted her. “Who is more elegant than anyone I’ve ever seen, but go on.”

She picked up where she left off. “Well, he said to give you a couple of things, and I was told by him to not carry said things around, and to also tell you that someone named Orenda needed to hear about whatever it is I’m giving you.”

I but my lip, contemplating what she had just said. I walked past her, the stopped at the door. She stared back at me, confused. “Lead the way,” I suggested sarcastically.

She started, then flipped her hair defiantly. “Fine.”

I hazarded a look behind me before leaving, and saw that no one had seen a thing.

Go f*****g figure.

As we made our way down the passageways, my heart began to go thump-thump thump-thump. I didn’t know why I was so nervous, but I had a sinking feeling about what Felicity had dragged me along to see.

“What are you taking me to see?” I muttered in her ear.

She ignored me and soldiered on.

As we walked on, people actually took notice of us- or, more like Felicity. She would wave and smile like a parade queen, greeting everyone with a plastic smile and a robotic wave. I stared at these people, incredulous; how many of them really knew her? As I trailed behind her, people gave me a few odd looks before they moved on- for the first time, I was really being seen. Whenever that happened, I stared back coolly. They didn’t ruffle me.

After what had been an hour of practically promenading through the passageways of the Japanese Third, we came to a small, secluded wing of the Gaelic Third. The french doors were intricately knotted; brassy tones on green and brown with an occasional ripple of nearly indiscernible black. She pushed them open to reveal a lavish apartment that was small, but very well anointed. There was still too much metallic for me, but anyone else would have liked it.

“Stay here,” she ordered. “Just because I brought you to my apartment doesn’t mean I like you, or even trust you.”

I plastered a sugary smile on my face. “Aw, thanks honey! You have no idea how much this means to me.” I dropped the face, and rolled my eyes. “Get on with it. Unlike you, I actually need eat real food.”

She walked away, and I crossed my arms. A moment later she came back with a wrapped parcel, as well as a roll of papyrus. Felicity handed them to me unceremoniously.

My arms full, I walked to a small table that was in her foyer. The mirror above it reflected my face for a moment, until I looked down at the parcel. I grasped at the corners for a moment, then pulled them back.

Reviews

[JayG]

Okay, it’s been a while, and since you were looking for advice, I thought it best to look at your current work.

There’s been a dramatic improvement in maintaining viewpoint. Mostly, it’s a matter of working to expand that and remove the telling that remains. There’s still unnecessary exposition and the use of crutch, or filter words, like “had.” Take a line like:

• However, my training with Orenda had begun to change that.

Beginning the line with “however” makes it passive—an explanation rather then an observation. The use of “had” compounds that, as does, “my,” because they can only come from the narrator. Suppose you replace the line with, “Training with Orenda was changing that,” or “Training with Orenda changed that.” Any change is change, no matter how small. Right? But “began to change” is indeterminate, and so, passive.

This article can help. I use it as part of my editing process, expanded to include the words I overuse. It takes a lot of time, but the improvement to the readability is significant.

http://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/

Take a look at it, and do a search of your work for the words listed, to see if rephrasing can make a given line more dynamic. I’d begin with the word “had.”
Another area to look at is over-explanation. You use 253 words—a full manuscript page—to instruct the reader in how to cast a spell. Why? The reader doesn’t dare. It won’t work for then, and reading what amounts to a textbook can’t be entertaining because not a blessed thing is happening in the story while you’re droning on. The entire thing can be summed up in a line, if it is, in some way, required knowledge.

Never include things you think it might be nice for the reader to know. Story happens, it’s not talked about.

“To describe something in detail, you have to stop the action. But without the action, the description has no meaning.”
~Jack Bickham

I’d also suggest you drop a lot of the explanation via tags, because it often intrudes. If we’re in the protagonist’s viewpoint, we know how she feels. And knowing that, we’ll read the line as we would speak it were we her. So explaining it, as an authorial intrusion, is jarring and a POV break. For example:

• I taunted nonchalantly.
You can’t tell the reader how the line should have been spoken after they’ve read it because it’s too late. And in the end, do we care if it was a nonchalant taunt or some other kind? The words pretty much said what had to be said.

• … she asserted calmly
Here, you’re trying to avoid “said.” Don’t. “Said” is like a comma, used but not noticed. But unexpected words, like asserted,” and “retorted,” call attention to themselves and detract.

• … she muttered.
A mutter is nearly inaudible, but this was a command.

• I scoffed.
Calls attention to the narrator and detracts from the sense of being on the scene.

You also need to look for unnecessary filler, like “Do I have any reason at all to trust you?” What purpose does “at all,” serve? That’s an editing point, but one to look at.

But here’s the good news: The things I’m commenting on are editing, not structural issues. So in the end, my advice is to keep writing, and keep thinking in terms of simplicity. Every word you can remove without changing your unique voice makes the read a tiny bit faster, for more impact.

In my case, for example, I’ve been editing my WIP for several months, preparing it for release. I began with 109,000 words. Currently it clocks in at 97,000. I eliminated 12,000 words and the story is unchanged. But it reads about 11% faster, and thus has that much more impact.

Based on that, a suggestion that might help with everything I mentioned above: Make a copy of a chapter and set yourself a goal of reducing the word count by 10%. It’s a situation I had once when I had a 3000 word limit, but had a story that was 3400 words long. And when an editor says 3000 words they mean it.

So first you trim the fat. You reduce, “Get up off the couch,” to, “Get off the couch,” then, “Off the couch.” And damn if the last one doesn’t read as more natural. Combine thoughts. Replace the lines that describe things with a few words of enrichment for a necessary line.

There is nothing like an immutable word limit to force you to see what’s necessary and what’s fluff. Give it a try. I think you’ll like the result, both from a readability standpoint and from what the exercise will do to your perception of how best to present the story.

Hang in there, and keep on writing. It keeps us off the streets at night.

Hope this helps.

[firabelle]

As always, your advice is priceless. Now that you mention it, I use a ton of what my favorite teacher calls 'filler words'. I am planning on just revising each chapter, then posting them in a second or even third version. Again, thank you for the advice- it's thoughtful as well as helpful.