Prologue

She smiled bittersweetly. “I know you’ll take care of her better than I ever could, Ardwyad. And she’ll be safe from the dangers of this land.” The woman sat on a throne of interwoven, live rose branches. The roses bloomed in every color imaginable, giving the throne a sense of paradise that seemed to mock their plight.

Kneeling before her was her lover, and would have been husband as well as her fellow ruler. Alas, their plans had fallen to ruin. In his arms was an infant and in his eyes tears. “Maeve, I can’t do this without you. She’d be safer with all of the royal guards. Besides, the war is all but finished.”

She scoffed. “The war will never be finished, not really. The beings that fill this land are much too proud to give up their childish quarrels and blood feuds. It may go by a new name or catalyst, but it will always be the same.” She sprang from her seat, her heart torn in two. “You will provide for her without spoiling her in a way that will make her like all of the other royal children.” She paced around the room restlessly, like a caged tiger.

He rose to his feet indignantly. “As what? All of my skills would be all but useless in that world. Do you want her to be raised in squalor? She deserves better!”

“And you think I’m not keenly aware of that?” She whisper-shouted, just inches away from his face. “Do you think me heartless? I long with all of me to raise my daughter here and groom her to take my seat when the time comes. I want to be her mother, to see her take her first steps, to be there for every step of her life until the day I die.” She paused for a moment. “But I can’t, because I know that someone or something with malicious intent will come after our child. I can’t leave the kingdom while the land is so shattered. As one of the leaders among tales, it is my duty to put this tale and the next back together. You know that, and yet you tear my heart into shreds.” Her jaw stiffened, holding back her tears.

He dropped his gaze, holding back tears of his own. “Will we ever be able to come back?”

She nodded faintly. “Once she starts wielding her magic, if she does, then you’ll have to come back. They’ll use her.”

“What if something happens? You know how chaotic that world is…” he fretted, trying to find an excuse to stay with her. It was slowly dawning on him that she wouldn’t give up without a fight. As he realized this, he took a step away from her, their child still in his arms, sleeping peacefully.

“ I can arrange for an emergency contact device. Anything other than that could be used by them.” She spat out the last word as if it were the lowest of titles, a mantle of spite. She, too, turned away.

“Is there no other choice, Mo grá?” He whispered after a moment.

She nodded tearfully, face in her hands. “Could I hold her, one more time?” She whispered.

“You needn’t ask. She is as much mine as she is your’s.”

Wordlessly, she rushed to him and lifted the dozing child from his arms. Tears were streaming down both of their faces now as they looked up at each other. She smiled and pressed her forehead to the little bundle. After what they both wished was an eternity but knew was only a few fleeting moments, she handed the child back to him. “I will have the guards outfit you in the clothes that will help you blend in there, as well as enough of the local currency to last until you find a job. Perhaps as a librarian? Also, you will need their worthless papers to blend in… You will need to leave immediately, and travel light. What awaits you is unknown to anyone here, as it is beyond the Fates’ sight. I may be able to arrange for a home that she will enjoy as she grows, and that will be able to stand the test of time. Who knows how long you will have to wait to come back to us? The Hunters and their counterparts in talamh scéal will be able to protect you from afar. Be careful, and be her protector.”

“Will it work there?” He asked, fearing her answer.

She shook her head. “They accommodate for people like you there, even welcome them. My magics will not work there. Her’s, on the other hand…”

“I understand.”

He left the throne room, leaving her with the small shard of her heart that he didn’t take with him, along with the only child she could ever have. She sank into her throne, and the roses gently brushed at her tears. “If only I could go with them, and raise her as my own…” she whispered to the empty monument of her failure. All of the grandeur that graced her palace meant nothing without them.

Author's Note

Any and all feedback is appreciated! Also, if you happen to like this story enough, I'd really appreciate it if you told your friends as well! After all, the more the merrier, right?

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

You did very well with the introduction. I liked the way you used the description and create interesting story line and characters. Description is the key. Every situation must have the who, what, where, why and how of every situations. You did very well. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[firabelle]

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but I'd like to thank you for taking the time necessary to review my work!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[A.L.Exley]

Lot of good description, and the story is interesting. I would suggest braking up the paragraphs a little bit more. But it is just the right amount of information to introduce the story, and yet make readers want to learn more.

[firabelle]

Thank you so much! (P.S., your story is great so far!)

[A.L.Exley]

Thank you!

[Ean]

I liked it! Your story is interesting, and I like the names as well :)

[JayG]

• She smiled bittersweetly. “I know you’ll take care of her better than I ever could, Ardwyad. And she’ll be safe from the dangers of this land.”

First thing that hit me is that you are mentally watching the film of this and describing what YOU see. That is NOT the same as giving the reader that picture.

In the film version we would know in a glance where we are, who's speaking—and to whom. And that includes age and dress for both, plus setting, and the total ambiance of the scene, The woman playing the role would tell us what she's feeling by using acting skills developed over years, using tools like expression, body language, eye movement and gesture. You see it in your mind as you read, but the reader gets none of that. And because we don't know who's speaking, why, or where we are, the words can have no emotion for the reader.

But suppose you opened with:
- - - - - -
"Queen Maeve looked down at the infant in her lover's arms and sighed. Holding her arms tightly to herself to keep from snatching her away from Ardwyad she said, "Go, while I still have the strength to do what I must."

"But—"

"No buts, my love. She can't stay here. You know that. And who, in this entire kingdom, could protect her better than you? No one."
- - - - - - -

Look at the differences. As originally presented we have no idea of what's happening, so while we have words, they have no meaning because who we are is a mystery, as is where we are and what's going on. moreover, it's being explained to us by a storyteller whose voice we cannot hear—meaning that the reader "hears them" free of any emotion that would be there could we hear them. So yes, we know WHAT was said, as data, but it provides no emotional content, and can't evoke any in the reader. it informs, but doesn't entertain. And that's what I addressed in the example above. It's not great writing, and they're not meant to be your characters, only a parallel for demonstration purposes. But it does illustrate a technique you might want to look into

So...first we learn who's speaking, and learn it as more than just a name, because her position matters. We learn that she's talking about an infant, and that it's hers. We know that she's upset, and doing something she feels she must, but hates doing so much that it's all she can do to keep to her chosen path. And we know all that BEFORE she speaks, so that we will read the line as-we-would-speak-it, were we her. Now, it has emotional content FOR THE READER. And now the reader begins wondering what could make a queen send her babe away. In other words, what they read was a hook. It's a trick. If you can make the reader do that, they feel as she does as they read the line and have become a participant in the scene. They care just as much as she does. And that's entertaining.

But more than that, we know who she's speaking to. At that moment, does it matter to either of them that they couldn't marry? Hell no. They're upset at this parting, not thinking about things in the past. And if it doesn't matter to her, why stop the scene and kill its momentum for a history lesson on things she's ignoring?

And look at what happens next. We learn her lover's state of mind by the fact that he tries to argue, and her resolution by her refusal to even discuss it. So at the same time as we see her order him away we've developed character for them both. And, they feel more real because they didn't just toss lines back and forth as the script demanded. They interacted as you and I would were we to feel that way. And that works in reverse. By their interaction we know them, and the kind of person they have to be to react that way.

And finally, by reminding him of why he has to go, we tell the reader that the kingdom is in danger, and that he's pretty good at taking care of those he loves, and, that there's an issue that involves the future of the kingdom and the safety of the royal family.

And of more importance, at no time does a disembodied voice lecture the reader.
Isn''t that a more fun way to read than a transcription of someone telling a story aloud?

It's a trick, of course. The reader learns the same thing either way, but to them it FEELS as if they're seeing the situation as she does. And because it happens in real time, we can feel the click ticking as they react to the situation and each other.

But another, more important thing happens as a result of that. Because the reader is surfing the moment she calls "now," the future has become uncertain. We know what she wants to happen. And we have a fair idea of why. But will it work? How can we tell? Things will change and she, along with the reader, will react to what happens.

Told as what amounts to as historical record, in overview and with authorial explanations, the story is, like history, immutable, so it's as interesting as any other history book or report. But trap the reader in the moment of now, and they begin to wonder, and speculate, and CARE.

So, bottom line. At the moment, because no one tells us about the tricks of writing fiction in school, we all either write a chronicle of events—a report, or a transcription of ourselves speaking the story aloud. Neither work.

But...nothing I said has to do with good or bad writing, talent or the story. It's all a matter of the learned part of fiction. And with a few professional tools in your kit, practiced till they're as automatic as the nonfiction writing skills we learn in our school days, it's another matter, entirely.

The first thing you need is a full understanding of what makes fiction fiction, and how it differs from the same thing on the stage and screen. Our medium enforces some pretty severe limitations, but if we know them, and how to get around them, it gets a lot easier.

You have the desire, the story, and the perseverance. But to that you need to add the trade secrets and specialized knowledge that isn't obvious till it's pointed out.

Start here: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

That article will give a feel for how to place the reader into the scene. It's the technique I used in my example. Chew on it for a time, till it makes sense. Then look at a modern novel that made you feel as if you were living it as the protagonist, and see how that author made use of it.

To show the kind of thinking that goes on in the background as we write I deconstructed the opening to one of my novels, here: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/07/10/grumpy-writing-coach-7/

You might also want to poke around in the other writing articles there.

In the end, if the technique in the first article seems of value, you want to pick up the book the article was based on. It's filled with tricks like that.

It's an older book, and he talks about your typewriter I(and seems to think that except for romance, all writers are men), but still, it's the best at grounding a writer in the nuts-and-bolts issues that I've found.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein

[firabelle]

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner! Thank you for taking the time to take a gander at my book, and giving me so much sound advice on how to improve my writing. Believe me, it is greatly appreciated!

[Bear]

Critique: (“You needn’t ask. She is as much mine as she is your’s.”) She is as much your's as she is mine.

Review: A very good prologue, it gives enough information that the characters roles are understood and just enough of the story to peak readers interest. You offer a tease with talk of magic and war to wet readers appetite so it does everything you want a prologue to accomplish. Well done, I give it five out of five Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[firabelle]

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner! I appreciate that you took the time to read my work and review it as well! Your editing is handy, especially for someone like me, who can't get sentence order correct every single time.