Fableland

I read your prologue & 3 chapters . . . all in all, your writing & storytelling are strong & you have a unique voice that comes across as pleasant to read, drawing the reader along thru the chapters. Your use of dialogue is especially well-done, something that most young writers avoid, but it's one of the best ways to develop your characters. I do feel I'm getting to know your characters & I feel interested in their lives & sympathetic to their points of view.

Here are a few places where I felt a slight lack of continuity . . .
For the longest time, it was unclear where this story is set. The prologue sounds like ancient times with royalty & peasants. Finally, in mid-chp2, we find out "Dublin". Normally you do a good job using analogies to round out your descriptions, but in chp1, being out cold as a bachelor in Las Vegas left me baffled -- these characters seem to be a world away from LV & it doesn't feel congruous for them to be comparing their perceptions to such an out-of-context place & situation. Similarly, this vague distinction from chp2 imparts very little for the reader to visualize or relate to: "I got into actual clothes instead of my bumming around clothes"

Lastly, while I truly did enjoy reading the prologue & first 3 chapters, there really wasn't anything intriguing or curiosity-provoking that propelled the reader to want to know what happens next. It just felt like lazy, idle reading for the sake of comfortable storytelling. It wasn't until the end of chp3 that you finally give us some suspense, some reason to suspect there's a purpose for all this literary wandering along thru seemingly disparate scenarios. I think there needs to be something more compelling, sooner in the story, becuz these days people don't read for pleasure. They're trained by sound bytes on all media sources, so if you don't snag their curiosity very quickly, they're going to be off to the next three million choices of things to focus their attention on.

I don't mean all this to outweigh the overall excellent writing, dialogue, & storytelling that represents the majority of your write, tho. Your writing is years beyond your stated age.

Posted 8 Years Ago

I read your prologue & 3 chapters . . . all in all, your writing & storytelling are strong & you have a unique voice that comes across as pleasant to read, drawing the reader along thru the chapters. Your use of dialogue is especially well-done, something that most young writers avoid, but it's one of the best ways to develop your characters. I do feel I'm getting to know your characters & I feel interested in their lives & sympathetic to their points of view.

Here are a few places where I felt a slight lack of continuity . . .
For the longest time, it was unclear where this story is set. The prologue sounds like ancient times with royalty & peasants. Finally, in mid-chp2, we find out "Dublin". Normally you do a good job using analogies to round out your descriptions, but in chp1, being out cold as a bachelor in Las Vegas left me baffled -- these characters seem to be a world away from LV & it doesn't feel congruous for them to be comparing their perceptions to such an out-of-context place & situation. Similarly, this vague distinction from chp2 imparts very little for the reader to visualize or relate to: "I got into actual clothes instead of my bumming around clothes"

Lastly, while I truly did enjoy reading the prologue & first 3 chapters, there really wasn't anything intriguing or curiosity-provoking that propelled the reader to want to know what happens next. It just felt like lazy, idle reading for the sake of comfortable storytelling. It wasn't until the end of chp3 that you finally give us some suspense, some reason to suspect there's a purpose for all this literary wandering along thru seemingly disparate scenarios. I think there needs to be something more compelling, sooner in the story, becuz these days people don't read for pleasure. They're trained by sound bytes on all media sources, so if you don't snag their curiosity very quickly, they're going to be off to the next three million choices of things to focus their attention on.

I don't mean all this to outweigh the overall excellent writing, dialogue, & storytelling that represents the majority of your write, tho. Your writing is years beyond your stated age.

Posted 8 Years Ago