Falling Into Nothing

VERSE ONE:
I get sick of falling into nothing every day
How long must I pay for mistakes that I made?
I can run and hide
but these demons inside
won't let me go

CHORUS:
and the sea gets winded
tiny sprites are spinning around
and the birds are telling us that
we're all going down

VERSE TWO:
Every time I look to the sky I see my breath
Slow and hard, light may be the cause of my death
I can shake and shout
but the tears won't come out
I've got none left

CHORUS:
and the sea gets winded
tiny sprites are spinning around
and the birds are telling us that
we're all going down
and the sea gets winded
tiny sprites are spinning around
and the birds are telling us that
we're all going down

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

VERSE ONE:
I get sick of falling into nothing every day
How long must I pay for mistakes that I made?
I can run and hide
but these demons inside
won't let me go
---
I was thinking the extra word in there could be taken out:
---
VERSE ONE:
I get sick of falling into nothing every day
How long must I pay for mistakes I made?
I can run and hide
but these demons inside
won't let me go
---
also in the second verse:
---
VERSE TWO:
Every time I look to the sky I see my breath
Slow and hard, light may be the cause of my death
I can shake and shout
but the tears won't come out
I've got none left
---
or/

VERSE TWO:
Every time I look to the sky I see my breath
Slow and hard, light can cause my death
I can shake and shout
but the tears won't come out
I've got none left
---
seems a bit out there in the second line...
a little long...but its your work...
this is good as is...just throwing it out there...
if you wanted to give it a polish...
I've written 4 complete series in lyrical verse...
to get into song writing several years ago...
more into a rap/rock type feel though...

[Mari K]

I agree with what he said about flow but it could be dependent on the song it goes with. Perhaps verse 2:
Every time I look to the sky, I see my breath
Slow and hard, light could cause my death
I can shake and shout
But tears don't come out
Ive got nothing left

Once again, if it's already set to music it could be different. I really like it though