the end

another poem i wrote for jasper/marley, which was a thing i used to write a lot.

i hear his smile over the phone line and i smile with him

and he says “i miss you.

and i miss when we used to be soul mates.”

i laugh

and i say

“well, you never know.

we still could be.”

but my voice is heavy with the knowledge

that no,

we couldn’t be.

the wind blows

the lake’s perfume

into my room

and i shut my eyes

as he says

“no.

we couldn’t.”

im glad he says it out loud

because i was afraid

of what the sound of his voice

after so long

might do to me.

i am reassured.

“it’s raining in Chicago.

is it raining in Michigan?”

i shake my head

but stay silent

forgetting

that he can’t see me.

habits don’t die hard.

they don’t die at all.

“no.

it’s not.

it’s beautiful over here.”

and it is.

it is so

f*****g

beautiful.

“well,

maybe i’ll drive up sometime�"”

i let out air

i didn’t know

had filled me up.

“please don’t lie to me,

jasper Honeywell.

we’ve been through a lot.

don’t lie to me now,

okay?

we’re grown-ups.”

i don’t mean to sound so bitter

because i am not so bitter

i am sad

and i am tired.

in Chicago, he laughs.

“okay.

yes.

okay. you’re right.

i’m never going to see you ever again,

marley.

am i?”

my grip on the phone

tightens

and i curl my lips in.

“no.”

in michigan, i am smiling.

“not on purpose, anyway.”

“right. if we see each other

on the street or something, though,

i’m gonna have to assume

it’s fate.”

now im chuckling

and im shaking my head

and my breath is deeper and cleaner

than before.

“well thanks for calling, marley.

im glad we

got to talk like this.

finally.”

and i am agreeing

in my head

because it feel

like a door

has finally closed

like the hinges

had been broken for so long

and now

they have been fixed

at last.

“jasper?”

“marley?”

“i’m not glad i knew you

at all.

but i know

that you changed me

and i wouldn’t be who i am now

without you

and i acknowledge that

and i’m grateful.”

“you don’t have to be.

i pretty much ruined your life.”

i run my fingers

over notebook #4

and i notice for the first time

the coffee ring

on the cover.

“you shouldn’t give yourself that much credit.”

he laughs

but it starts to feel

forced

so i say

“goodbye, jasper.

definitely.

goodbye.”

my lips feel

dry

and my heart feels

empty.

“goodbye, marley.

definitely goodbye.”