the church of grocery store flowers

i grew up

without you

which i never ever thought

would happen.

i thought you’d be there

all along

at least in the background

at least as an after thought

i never thought you’d be

a bitter taste in my mouth

or a vague scent id catch and feel sad about

i never thought id be sad about you

sad at you, but not about

i never thought id have to miss you

i never thought that

every time i listened to hooped earrings

or twin size mattress

the words would sound like you singing them

out of key, but happily

filling up my ears like

swimming pools

i never realized how much of me

came from you

i never realized that the 70% of me

that is just water

is water you swam in

drank from

you baptized yourself with me

i loved you

i never thought it would end

and definitely not like this

i loved you

and no matter how over it is

i’ll never stop wanting to leave you messages at 3 AM

when i feel the most young

but also the most alone.

"merry christmas"

i loved you

"merry christmas"

the world is ending without you

you’re missing it

you’re missing it

im washing myself of you

floating on a river you dont know the name of

i havent moved on but im moving somewhere

and the next time the world ends

(right now, this moment, this hour)

i’ll have drifted too far to care.