Awesome!! You got your point across without blatantly stating it! Brava!!
It seems like the person in this story is being strangled under the control of someone, yet they enjoy it and are scared to go on without it, because they are so used to it... Very nice. You slowly unraveled these feelings too, which played very nicely through the piece.
Abbigale your is You're as in you are. I will look at this and get back to you.
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
How about this?
Insecurity at its finest
You hold me down
I'll never live.. read moreHow about this?
Insecurity at its finest
You hold me down
I'll never live free,
You’re wrapped around my throat
I'm beginning to choke
The way your eyes see through me
You'll never let me go
You’re holding me down
Killing me slowly
Please just let me be
You hold me down
I will never live free
You, wrapped around my throat
Beginning to choke the life from me
please just let me go
But stop don't go
Don't leave me on my own
I'm beginning to choke
Help me face my demons
It just takes believing
So wrap around my throat
Crush this breath from me
You hold me down
I will never live
You’re wrapped
Around my throat
And I'm beginning to
To die.
11 Years Ago
Oops to is repeated in the last two lines lol
Alternate ending to emphasise insecurity:
.. read moreOops to is repeated in the last two lines lol
Alternate ending to emphasise insecurity:
And I'm beginning to
Live
You hold me down
I will never be free
You’re wrapped
Around my throat
A.. read moreYou hold me down
I will never be free
You’re wrapped
Around my throat
And I'm beginning to
Live.
11 Years Ago
Yup like that better as the final stanza. What do you think?
11 Years Ago
Insecurity at its finest
You hold me down
I'll never live free,
You’re.. read moreInsecurity at its finest
You hold me down
I'll never live free,
You’re wrapped around my throat
I'm beginning to choke
The way your eyes see through me
You'll never let me go
You’re holding me down
Killing me slowly
Please just let me be
You hold me down
I will never live free
You, wrapped around my throat
Beginning to choke the life from me
please just let me go
But stop don't go
Don't leave me on my own
I'm beginning to choke
Help me face my demons
It just takes believing
So wrap around my throat
Crush this breath from me
You hold me down
I will never be free
You’re wrapped
Around my throat
And I'm beginning to
Live.
The first word that comes to my mind when I read this is Prosecution. I feel like this person, whomever it is, is attacking you relentlessly, but maybe at the same time, you want that person to stay and love you? The fourth stanza is a little confusing. I'm not sure if you're talking about the same person strangling you, or another person who you want to come and save you. I love that your first and last stanzas are almost identical, portraying the same message. I think with a little pronoun tweek and clarification in the fourth stanza, this piece would be flawless. I've read a few of your pieces now, and they all have the same raw power driving them from the beginning to the end. I enjoy your work, and I can relate to a lot of it due to past life experiences. I think that your words could really help someone someday if they come across your work like I have. Brilliantly done.
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
Fourth stanza is wanting help not necessarily saying one person
Awesome!! You got your point across without blatantly stating it! Brava!!
It seems like the person in this story is being strangled under the control of someone, yet they enjoy it and are scared to go on without it, because they are so used to it... Very nice. You slowly unraveled these feelings too, which played very nicely through the piece.