and how did that make you feel?

you weren't always this attentive,

taken in by their subtle asking,

i attempted to answer.

was there an answer?

every equation lead on.

random scrawls of desire.

was it about love?

i remember you there.

watching you, watching me

succumb to gravity.

i was conflicted,

understanding the question.

i looked down

towards my hands.

was it regret?

though i held the torch, alone.

"it was prewritten"

i desperately told myself.

a divine solution

Reviews

[GlendaK]

Ignore that ignorant butt. You cannot satisfy jealousy.
He's trying to live up to his reputation of everybody hates him.
Everybody writes differently.

Your writing is attention drawing, it asks and answers.
It makes the reader feel, "Is this me?"
Beautiful!

[Brandy]

So many questions left unanswered. Sometimes the wait can be unbearable.
Was it about love ? Was it about regret ? A mixture of both, I believe.

This is tender and emotional, all at the same time.
Just remember- there's a solution to everything.

[JayG]

This reads as you talking about what’s meaningful to you. But, what’s in it for the reader, who hopes to be entertained, not informed?

Look at the work, not as the all-knowing author. Instead, view it as the reader must, as-they-read:

• you weren't always this attentive,

For the reader, this is someone unknown talking to someone not introduced. But in what way is this person attentive? No way to know, so without context, how can this be anything but words in a row, meaning uncertain, for the reader?

For you, who have both context and intent? It works, and as you read, you hear the emotion in the narrator’s voice that the reader cannot know to place there.

• taken in by their subtle asking,

Uh... A line ago it was someone unknown and the person they were talking to. Now, we have an unknown “they” asking for something unspecified, but doing itsubtly? Where are we? Who are we? What in the pluperfect hells is going on?

You know. The one who’s unexpectedly attentive probably knows. Even the mysterious “they” might. Shouldn’t the reader be in on the secret? They are the one this was written for, after all.

• i attempted to answer.

So, someone unknown is asking for something unspecified, for unstated reasons, and our narrator “attempts” to answer. And, if we read on... We never learn what was asked. We never learn why it matters that the unknown person was in some unspecified way attentive.

But...to you, who begins reading already knowing what's going on, why, and what led to this being said, it makes perfect sense. And since you’ll not address the problem you don’t see as being one:

1. When editing, it’s best to sit in the reader’s chair, knowing only what that reader knows. One thing that helps is to have the computer read it to you.

2. At present, you’re talking TO the reader, who wants you to make them feel and care, not read about things that aren't meaningful to them. Your reader needs context as, or before they read each word.

At the moment, you’re telling when you should be showing. As E. L. Doctorow puts it, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

3. The writing methodology we were given in school is useless for poetry because all those reports and essays we were assigned readied us for the nonfiction writing that employers need from us. And nonfiction writing informs. So, if you try to write poetry with those skills it will, and must be fact-based and informative because that's what those writing skills are designed to do.

But poetry is emotion-based, which requires the skills that the pros take for granted. After all, universities offer degrees in poetry-related fields. Would they do that if those skills were optional? Of course not. They’ve been refining poetry for centuries. Take advantage of that. As Wilson Mizner says, “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.”

So, research! Knowledge is a great working substitute for genius. Grab those skills and make them yours.

My personal suggestion is to begin with Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. The lady is a poet of note, and an excellent teacher. The book is filled with gens that will make you say, “Wow...I never thought if that. But it’s so obvious. How did I not?"

So try a few chapters for fit: https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf You’ll be glad you did.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain