Flame back from the Dead! But I never died....

I used to go on this site regularly. I craved this site. Craved it like a child craves chocolate. Which as we all know, children love chocolate, it's our crystal meth. So I guess this site was my crystal meth. I would sneak on at school whenever we had library access, or computer access. Feverishly I awaited reviews and comments for people to praise my writing. To tell me that I was good, since I didn't get that feedback at home. I loved it. I made alot of good friends. People were kind, they were amazing!

And then one day I just....stopped going on. My battery died. I don't know why this happenned. And I guess I could dig through my brain to find a solution. I was a senior, I had a prom to organize, graduation, colleges to get accepted into. I had a huge list. I was living in a different state for the summer (Yet I still had computer access so there's no excuse) and I was going to London after I graduated. But that never really explained it to me. Here I was, going on this site, hourly...I kid you not. I would refresh the page hourly, I would have this minimized as I did homework. And then...I just stopped. I wish I had a better explanation for all the people that missed me. I truely do. But I don't.

If it makes you feel better, I stopped writing as well. I could no longer pick up a pen and write like no tomorrow about anything. I would always get headaches whenever I didn't write. My headaches were like someone shoved icepicks to the right side of my brain and refused to take them out. They would only go away when I started typing or picked up a pen, and just like going on this site, the headaches stopped....and so did my writing. I tried to write. I have many failed chapters to many stories and many piles of crumbled up papers where I'm disgusted with myself at my lack of creativity. I now understand how Superman feels when kryptonite is shoved into his face. His powers were who he was, my writing was who I was, and he would lose that.

How do you find yourself when the one thing that kept you sane just...leaves you? I wasn't sure. I would work, sleep and watch television miserably since I no longer could write decently. Even going to college I tried. I'm sure all of you know about Write a Novel in a Month in november! Tried it. Failed miserably. Grunted and went back to watching Lifetime.

Yes, my life had become so boring Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy and Wife Swap were the shows I became addicted too. Funny how a year ago I would laugh at anyone who admitted this. Infact if I was reading what I'm writing now I'd probably laugh at the pathetic soul and feel sorry for them since I had inspiration, my muse was always with me. Laughing? Not so much now...

Recently with finals almost done and Christmas coming I was thinking about writing. It all started when my sister said "Flame's an easy person to shop for (my real name's not Flame but you can handle this substitute) Just buy some stationary and books and she's happy." I smiled wanely at my sisters but when they dispursed to doing their own thing I frowned. I wanted that back. I still want that back.

I thought of this site, my sweet addiction to it and I thought, maybe I'll find my muse again if I force myself to write. And maybe juuuust maybe there are other people on this site that know what I'm going through. I'm not even sure myself. I just feel...not like myself anymore. I'm not depressed. Infact I'm happy...I just feel...empty? If that makes any sense to you. So here starts my journey for my muse again. Maybe if I sit down and force a blog out every day it'll come back. I'll get my horrible headaches and stories will flood out of my fingers again. Maybe, juuuuust maybe it'll work. (I already determined i'm crazy, because who in their right mind craves for migraines?((sp)) Guess that's me)

Sorry if you read this and got dissapointed. My mind is elsewhere and my thoughts are scattered. I'm refusing to reread this since I'll know that I'll just delete the whole thing and get frustrated all over again, so if this is crappy again I apologize. Day one on getting my muse back. Here I come!