The Soundtrack of Renewed HopeA Story by The Hated Altruist A short story I wrote a couple years ago. I had some dark years and a lot of this writing comes from those years. In this particular story, a young woman must deal with the sudden death of one close to her and learn to appreciate the sacrifice.
Sara walked quietly through the dark garage. The only sounds issuing from her were the soft footfalls and restricted breathing. She had been crying hard for nearly an entire day. It had gone by almost in slow motion; it was the worst Christmas she would ever have. The garage through which she now carefully stepped was not attached to the house she lived in with her parents. It was a separate entity and was used primarily by her step-dad in his wood working hobby. It also contained a freezer and a large supply of dog food. However, this night, she was after a large pair of cutters that her step-dad used on thick tree branches. Sara had been attempting to fall to sleep, to little avail, when the image of the cutters came into her mind. She knew that tool could be the key to her figuring this all out. She slithered between a hand made chair and the wall, not wishing to make a sound. Her tear filled eyes lit for a very short time when she noticed the cutters, leaning against the wall of the garage. She nearly lost control of her shaky legs, but continued on. Thoughts were rushing through her mind as to what might be unveiled with that very tool. Would it have been the key to her happiness and a lifetime of good? She wanted desperately to know. Behind masked sobs, Sara scarcely could find the will to grab the cutters. In one agonizing motion, she reached forward and laid her hands upon the handle. Images of the last year of her life surged through her mind causing her to momentarily unleash her restricted sobs. Quickly standing, she quieted herself, but noticed through a window that a house light had already turned on. She guessed that her mother had been having trouble sleeping too, when she heard her daughter cry out. Carefully making her way out of the garage, Sara looked up to see her mother coming out of the house toward her, eyes red with tears. She was in her nightgown and shaking ever so subtly. She looked with despair toward the pair of cutters in her daughter’s hands. “Sara! What are you doing with those?” She cried, perhaps more loudly than she should have. The two could hear the muted footsteps of Sara’s step-dad getting out of bed at the shout. Sara realized what her mother was thinking, and quickly explained. Her mother’s terrified expression slackened and she moved slowly toward Sara, hugging her. The two simply stood there, in the December cold, shivering and crying to each other. The cutters were hanging loosely in Sara’s hands. After a few minutes, the two slowly made their way up the steps. Once inside, the tension in the room was nearly palpable. Sara’s step-dad was told what was about to happen and the three of them made their way down into Sara’s dimly lit basement room. It was frosty and dark in this room. Sara handed the cutters to her step-father. Her parents stepped back to give her room to find the metal box hidden in her closet. Earlier that morning, Sara’s mother had hidden that box inside her daughter’s closet, knowing her daughter would not want to lose it. Sara emerged with the small metal box. It was about a foot long and eight or nine inches wide. It was about four inches tall. On the top face of the box were two lids, split in the middle. The box had two compartments separated by a middle wall. One compartment door was unlocked and opened, the contents removed; the other was shut and secured by a padlock. It was this compartment that Sara now planned on opening by way of the cutters she had procured. Sara set the box face up on her bed and, with shaky hands, moved the cutters into position around the arm of the padlock. Her mother was shaking almost uncontrollably and was nestled inside the loving arms of her husband. The two watched on in silence as Sara slammed the handles of the cutters together. The padlock fell to the bed, broken. ______________________________ It was that damned box that had started it all. It came wrapped in Christmas wrapping about mid-way through November from a mail service truck. It was marked, “To Sara, from Kevin – To be opened Christmas morning.” Kevin was Sara’s ex-boyfriend. They had dated officially for nearly nine months, but had been together for over a year. The two had talked extensively about marriage. Sara and Kevin had fallen in love with each other at their job. They shared their first kiss on a bridge over the shallow of a lake in their favorite park. For Kevin, she was the only source of happiness that he had ever known and he was very in love. For Sara, he began as a fling, worked into love, and slowly but surely worked back out of love. She cared very much for him, but she slowly began to lose interest. She was a recent graduate, starting a new job, meeting new and interesting people and new and more interesting boys. Eventually, the two moved into new jobs away from each other. Sara lived twenty miles outside town and so the two saw less of each other. Eventually, the other boys Sara knew through work became more interesting to her than Kevin and she found herself out of love, but still very much caring for him. On September 18th, Sara broke up with Kevin. It destroyed him and for months he tried to remain her friend and help her through whatever problems she was having. She kept pushing him further away. It would take every ounce of self control he had to respect her wishes and not contact her. He always knew that a week or two down the road a call would come from her, crying and in need of a friend that actually cared for her. Kevin remained pure to the memory of Sara and was as devoted as he had been before. He still loved her very much and was saddened by the fact that it was her nature to push happiness away. She had to have male friends. Close male friends, developing strong emotional connections, but in doing so destroying any chances of a meaningful and lasting relationship. It was this fact that hurt Kevin the most. He never gave up loving and hoping for her better future. Eventually he accepted the inevitable, that she wasn’t again going to return his love. He wanted for Sara to find happiness with someone, even if it wasn’t himself and he wanted to be rid of the pain of it all. He made his decision. He sent a package to her family and lived the next month and a half of his life as usual, Sara’s scratch post. Sara’s mother liked Kevin very much and didn’t think anything of the package. She figured it was sort of a one-last-gift thing. She asked Sara, and Sara said it was ok to leave under the tree with the rest of the family’s presents. For over a month it had sat in their home, the instrument of the emotional Hell that now faced Sara. On Christmas Eve, Kevin called Sara and asked her to meet him just outside town at a grocery store. In the dark parking lot, he asked her a simple question, “Sara, would you ever consider the two of us getting back together?” Her answer was no. Kevin put out his right hand, and in it was a small red key. Without a word, he hugged her, got in his car, and drove off toward his home. Confused, Sara left the parking lot and drove home. Once there, she showed her parents the small red key and told them what happened. Sara tried calling Kevin’s cell phone a couple of times but was unsuccessful. She ended up talking to her close friend and bed buddy Steve before drifting off to a calm sleep. On Christmas morning, Sara awoke rested and peaceful. As she walked upstairs to the living room, she could hear Christmas music playing on the radio and could smell bacon being cooked on the stove. Outside, the sun was masked by a flat grey sky softly dropping snow on the world. The mood in Sara’s house couldn’t have been brighter. It was the one time of year when she didn’t overly fight with her parents or her sister. She would often tell her friends of her dislike for her parents, but secretly deep down, she knew she loved them dearly. Kevin had helped her see that. She thought about Kevin. She was mildly concerned over his strange behavior that previous night, but she brushed it off. She had forced herself to push her care for Kevin out of her mind. Sara’s family sat down to open presents. They took turns, youngest to oldest, unwrapping and celebrating each new thing. Sara had forgotten about the box for her from Kevin. It had long been buried underneath a pile of other presents. It was nearing noon and Kevin’s was the only present left unopened for Sara. Her little sister retrieved if and set it in front of Sara who was sitting cross legged on the floor. Sara was wearing gray sweat pants and a sweater that she had just received. She tore into the packaging, confused about what it might be. Much to her bewilderment, she pulled out a small metal box. It appeared to have two doors, each locked with a padlock. On the left, the padlock was painted blue and on the right, the padlock was painted red. She stared at the box for a second before her mind clicked and she ran downstairs to retrieve the small red key that Kevin had given her the night before. Sara wasn’t sure what to expect. This was a real oddity and she nervously put the key into its slot. She turned the key and with a small click, the padlock opened. A small smile began to grace her beautiful face as she opened the lid of the box. The thing she saw simultaneously gave her a smile and sadness. Inside the compartment was a small stack of objects. On top, obscuring the rest of the articles inside, sat a picture of the bridge that she and Kevin had shared their first kiss. Across the bottom of the picture was handwritten, “I will always love you.” She could feel a tear beginning to form at the corner of her left eye. Sara carefully removed the picture and was confused with what she saw next. Next was a small notebook, the kind that policemen keep their notes on, sitting on top of a CD labeled, “Please listen to me right now.” She asked her sister to get her portable CD player and opened up the notebook. The first page said simply, “This is the Soundtrack of Renewed Hope. I’m going to share you with you my thoughts and feelings through song. Each of the following songs have a reason and a purpose. I want you to find happiness in your life, Sara. I love you with all my heart and hope that you can one day be truly happy. Please, do not turn the page until you have started the CD.” Sara was becoming nervous now, wondering what the CD would contain. Her sister returned with the CD player and she quickly popped the CD in. Sara’s parents were reading the note now and looking on in confusion as Sara’s face suddenly went white as a ghost. She took the notebook out of her mother’s hands, grabbed the picture, and sprinted toward the door. “Hide that, mom,” and Sara was out the door. It was very cold in Sara’s car. Her breath was coming in quick gulps now. The coldness of the air hurt her lungs. She was speeding down the road that led from her house. It was roughly a thirty minute drive to the park with the bridge. Her eyes were filled with disbelief at what she had just heard. The first signs of an emotional breakdown were quickly making themselves apparent. The first track on the CD said the following:
Hello Sara, this is Kevin. I am going to kill myself. You will find me at the bridge where we shared our first kiss. Don’t worry about calling the cops, I’ve already done it. Please, drive to that bridge and listen to this CD on your way. In the notebook, I’ve written the emotions each song brings to my mind as I listen. Hopefully, each song will arouse in you a memory of what you used to feel for me. You are and always will be the light of my world. I love you.
Sara couldn’t believe that Kevin would have done something this stupid. Sure he had carved a couple words into his thighs, but he had always made her the promise that he wouldn’t kill himself. Track two started wafting into her ears and she instantly began hating herself. It was “Call Me When You’re Sober” by Evanescence on their album “The Open Door.” This had been one of her favorite songs and a song that she had put on one of Kevin’s mix CD’s. This time, however, it was the lyrics that really struck home. For a long time after they had broken up, she had told Kevin that she still loved him, that she just needed friends and space. It was this idea that the first song attacked.
Don't cry to me.
These words stung Sara with a tenacity she had seldom known. Tears began streaming down her cheeks and the song continued.
Should I let you fall?
Couldn't take the blame.
You never call me when you're sober.
Sara pushed down the accelerator, determined to make it to the bridge as fast as she could. The words in the songs began to chip away at the rough exterior she had built. Her folly was slowly coming to the surface. Sara was a very prideful person, rarely taking constructive criticism and generally getting defensive and angry whenever anyone tried to help her improve. Kevin had asked her if she really loved him several times after the breakup and she had always answered the same, “of course.” She had yelled at him for asking several times, because she couldn’t understand why he kept asking if he already knew the answer. She had heard this song many many times and the importance of the words had never struck her until this moment in time. On the notepad, Kevin had made a few small notes about Sara not currently being able to love someone. It was Kevin’s belief that she was still too immature and unless she changed something drastic, was going to continue her loop of going from boyfriend to boyfriend. The roads were becoming slicker now that snow was falling on them. She had to try and drive carefully while still driving quickly. She knew she could make it in time to save his life. Her cell phone was ringing now. Sara quickly glanced down to see that it was her parents calling. She paused the CD player and opened her phone. It was Sara’s mother and she sounded very concerned. Sara quickly explained the situation and told her mother to call the cops and Kevin’s parents. She started the CD player again. The next song was newer and she had heard it less. She listened carefully to the lyrics. It was “I Don’t Wanna Be in Love” by Good Charlotte.
She’s going out to forget they were together
He calls her up
The tears came harder for Sara. She had always known what she was doing to Kevin, but had never really taken the time to consider exactly what it was. These opening lines described exactly the situation. She knew that her lifestyle made Kevin, the person she cared more about in the world than anyone, very sad. She had used her body to get what she wanted out of some guys and Kevin knew it. She knew it drove him mad. That made a small part deep inside of her happy. Now, however, that part was nowhere in sight and she was deeply regretting everything. The song continued.
He was always giving her attention We break up Everybody put up your hands
Sara realized that Kevin’s love for her wasn’t something he could change. Over the last few months, she had wanted him to hate her, so that he could move on. She was bewildered by the fact that so much could happen to him and yet he still loved her. She didn’t think herself deserving of love. Before Kevin, she never really thought she would end up getting married. He changed that. She had loved him. Had. She was on the highway by this point, speeding along at ninety miles per hour, afraid to go much faster. Her phone was ringing off the hook, her parents, but she was too absorbed in the CD to pick it up now. She was nervous to hear the next song, but continued on anyway. The next song was “In Pieces” by Linkin Park. She would find that Linkin Park and Kevin seemed to have a strange bond.
Telling me to go
Sara instantly knew how true those lyrics were. She also knew exactly what the notebook was going to say, she didn’t need to open it any longer. She understood what Kevin was doing. She had told him to leave her alone many times and he, through his love, had. However, she had always come running back when she needed help. He wasn’t allowed to call her when he was in trouble, but she expected him to be there; partially because he said he always would be. She had taken that for granted.
There's truth in your lies
Sara’s tears came in torrents now and she could barely stay centered on the road. It was nigh impossible to think that Kevin could have made something so terrible. She realized that he didn’t have much, because she had taken a lot. He had been left without friends to rely on, without a job, without love. Her heart was breaking. She wanted nothing more than to talk to Kevin.
Sara looked up in hear rear view mirror and saw what she couldn’t hear; police sirens. Unsure of what to do, she pulled over, pausing the CD. As the policeman approached her car, she removed her headphones and attempted to clean her face off a little bit. After rolling the window down, the cop noticed that Sara was in a state of duress. He asked her the problem and she quickly explained. He already knew the story, it had been broadcast over the CB and those closest had been told to go to the park. He told her to follow him through the streets. She was going to get a police escort. As he sped of, sirens blaring, Sara followed closely behind. This seemed like a God send and she felt slightly better, that this tragedy could be prevented. The next song proved to be worse. It was “Breaking the Habit” by Linkin Park. Kevin had loved this song and told her of its true meaning, which had always eluded her; it was a song about suicide.
Memories consume
Sara nervously opened the notebook to the next page and her fear was confirmed. A small razor blade was taped to the page. She would later find out that Kevin’s body was covered in lacerations; most of them fresh. The police report read that Kevin had, in a frenzied state, made so many cuts that he would have bled to death in a few hours. No major arteries were cut, until right before the suicide, but what damage had been done was enough to eventually bleed him out. Most of the cuts were words, Sara, worthless, moron, idiot, and obscene vulgarities. Some cuts, around the thighs, were old and scarred over. Sara had known he cut after they broke up. He had promised her never to do it again. He had broken his promise.
Clutching my cure
Sara and the policeman wear nearing the park now. She was unsure of what she was going to find. As the park came into view, she saw with horror the flashing lights of ambulances, police cars, and fire trucks. She saw too, with incredible depression, Kevin’s parent’s car. As she got out of her car, the next song began. “The Little Things Give You Away” by Linkin Park.
Water grey
She was running past policemen, Kevin’s parents, and the medical workers. She had to get to the bridge.
Don't want to reach for me do you
She couldn’t see a body laying anywhere and for a split second, hope remained. It looked as if the police weren’t able to find a body either.
All you've ever wanted
And she knew where he was. She landed on her knees, sobbing, looking into the dark murky water and noticed, floating on top, a black rose. It was hard to notice against the dark water, but she knew what it meant. She had given it to him long ago. The two loved the Phantom of the Opera and this black rose symbolized the forbidden love that the Phantom had for Cristine.
Hope decays
Washed away
There was a soft touch on her right shoulder and she looked up to see Kevin’s mother standing over her. She was crying and the two hugged. For several hours, Sara had to stay and answer questions. Kevin’s body was found, six and a half feet under water directly beneath the bridge. Small cement blocks were tied around his feet and neck, forcing his body into looking straight up. In his hands, he held a picture of Sara and the ring she had bought him. He died with a smile on his face.
Sara’s parents had arrived shortly after and were consoling her, when a policeman approached them.
“Sara, I’m sorry to ask this of you, but we are going to need that CD for evidence.” Stunned, Sara looked back and begged to listen to the last song before he took it away. He allowed it. Staring at a setting sun, she listened to the last song on the CD. It was “Shadow of the Day” by Linkin Park. It’s words confused her and didn’t give her much comfort.
I close both locks below the window.
In her hands, she opened the small notebook that she had been tightly grasping all afternoon. It said simply, “Goodbye was the only way.” With that, she handed over the CD and the notebook and her parents took her home. It was a difficult evening. She called Steve, her current male friends, and upon hearing her sobs, he hung up. He didn’t want to deal with an emotional side of a relationship. Sara spent the evening in her room, trying to figure out why Kevin had taken this extreme, why he had broken so many promises to her. Why she had let it come to this.
The blue painted padlock slipped off the small metal box that her parents had hidden away from the police. If she had said yes to him on Christmas Eve, would he have given her a blue key? Would this be the compartment that would have allowed the two to be together forever?
Sara opened the small metal door. Behind it lay a small heart cut from red construction paper, a second CD, and a handwritten note. Below these was a picture of the two of them. Sara set the small paper heart and the CD aside.
Her parents watched as Sara read over the letter, sobbing nearly the entire time. It had not been what she had expected to be in that compartment. As she sat, crying, she handed the letter over to her parents. It read:
Hello Sara. First of all, let me say that I am terribly sorry for what you’ve been through today. I love you beyond any human capacity and wanted things to turn out differently. I’ll explain why I did this and why there is a small paper heart.
The heart is there to show that you have my heart. You’ve had it for over a year. When you tried to give it back, you couldn’t. It was already yours. It’s small and ripped because, well, you broke it several times. But, each time you broke it, you couldn’t destroy it. You could never destroy my love, no matter how much you tried. There would always be at least one small piece left. And so, I’m giving you that literal small piece. It’s all that’s left of my heart. Cherish it. Keep it. Remember me by it. I’ll always love you.
Sara, I always told you that we were basically the same person and you never believed me. We’ve gone through all the same problems in life, shared the same emotions, and most importantly, I’ve been where you are at. I was once a person that couldn’t keep happiness; I pushed it away. I wanted to be a flirt and have close relationships with all females. That’s why I couldn’t last in a serious relationship. You are the same way.
I have a friend who was also the same way. She was twenty years old and had been with many guys. The last boyfriend she had before her husband killed himself when she broke up with him. As a result, it shocked her and changed her. She was able to have a healthy relationship and has had for many years. She is now the mother of two and is happily married.
I didn’t want you to continue living your life without happiness or someone who would genuinely care for you. What I tried to do today was she you the problems that you would never let me show you before. I did that through song and my death. I hope you will be able to overcome your inability to commit and find someone, a good guy, that will love you will all the ferocity that I did.
I love you more than words can describe and will protect you as best I can from the other side. I knew that you were going to say no on Christmas Eve. There wasn’t even a blue key. This package will have been sitting in your house for nearly two months by the time you read this.
There is another enclosed CD. Please, listen to the lyrics very carefully on the first song. The second song is our son. Please, live life for the both of us and find someone that will make you happy. That is my dieing wish. I love you, Sara.
-Kevin
Sara’s mother was crying even harder now, watching Sara listening to the two songs on the CD. Sara, while crying, had a slight smile crossing her face. She could see through the madness and hoped she could change for him.
Years went by and Sara did eventually find someone that she could love and be loved by. The night that he proposed to her, she told him the story of Kevin and what he had done for her. It brought her and her fiancé closer. Over the rest of her life, she would think often of Kevin and she visited his grave whenever she could.
She kept the two CDs, after the police were done with them, and used them when she felt like she needed a good male friend. It was the one connection with the only other true friend she ever had. She was grateful for what he had done for her; it had enabled her to live life and find happiness.
It was a cold and misty March day. It was Kevin’s birthday; he would have been 53 today. Sara and her husband were putting flowers on his grave, just like they had every year. She felt like she had done what she was asked. The two songs on the second CD had asked her forgiveness. As the two walked away from the gave, she found herself happily humming a couple tunes that she had hummed thousands of times over the years. It truly was the soundtrack of renewed hope. These were the last two songs.
Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
I Miss You – Blink 182
Hello there the angel from my nightmare The shadow in background of the morgue The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley We can live like Jack and Sally if we want Where you can always find me And we'll have Halloween on Christmas And in the night we'll wish this never ends We'll wish this never end
Where are you and I'm so sorry I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight I need somebody and always This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders catching things and eating their insides Like indecision to call you And hear your voice of treason Will you come home and stop this pain tonight stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head
I miss you.
© 2009 The Hated Altruist |
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The Hated AltruistSpringfield, MOAboutHello! My name is Kris and I am 22 years old. I love to write and have spent a lot of time doing so. I hope you like my stories and poems! Some of them I've put a lot of time and effort into and some .. more..Writing
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