Twice Shy

An uncomfortable telephone conversation.

He called

and had nothing to say.

I waited,

emptiness ticking in seconds.

 

In the near silence of the airwaves,

I heard a distant buzzing not unlike

the drone of smoke-calmed bees being

hoodwinked out of honey.

 

So I cleared my throat ... and heard 

in-drawn breath compress in mid-gasp

... then utter silence.

 

Still I waited for his response

and as I sat on the other end of the phone

a memory surfaced of the many times my daddy brought 

me with him to the bee yard.

He'd never wear protective clothing

yet always made sure I did.

daddy would say "I never get stung...at least

not by a bee!" Then we'd both laugh knowing

what a sharp a tongue mama had!

 

As much as bees fascinated me, I was spellbound 

by daddy's voluble soliloquies rumbling along in his 

soothing baritone while lecturing on the finer 

aspects of apiculture with me at his side

safely cocooned in my apiary spaces suit 

hanging on to his every word.

 

On the distant end of the receiver

I heard him clear his throat.

 

I simply could not stand it any longer ...

 

"What?" I rasped in a stinging tone.

 

(I am after all, my mother's daughter)

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Me too," I answered.

 

Seconds slow to minutes and in the silence

of those minutes naked imageries and

damp betrayals undulated in injurious waves ...

 

I could hear his breath, ragged and wretched.

 

My silence was a knife...and I knew it.

 

When my churning guts roiled into a fury

scaring me with its ferocity, I hung-up.

Once stung, twice shy.

Reviews

[DaughterNature]

I definitely like the juxtaposition between the memory and the present moment. I also like how the "he" is left ambiguous for the reader. The formatting of italics during the memory portion works well, too. The first time you refer to "Daddy" the term is capitalized, but further along "mamma" and "daddy's" are not capitalized -- while neither format is wrong, it is usually best to stick with one style, and since they are proper nouns, I personally prefer capital letters (unless you're going for an "e.e. cummings" thing). I also noticed that after the italicized section your language changed. In the first half of the poem you use words like "hoodwinked" which give it a nice, informal air. But in the last part, you use words like "injurious" and "roiled" which demonstrate much more formal language -- I think I like the style of the first half better, where it is more conversational and less "poet-y."

[felioness]

Thoughtful and insightful review. Your points have merit. I am lazy re: lack of punctuation. It all feels so irrelevant when I write.I appreciate your words. Punctuation is best left for editors methinks!!!

[DaughterNature]

Haha, I completely understand! And I agree, that's what editors are for. On the flip side, however, if we want to be noticed by editors, that is certainly something they'd frown at -- I wouldn't want you to be passed over for publication for a simple error

[Muse]

Even in the most serious moments, it's strange how our minds can wonder. I don't know if it's some sort of coping mechanism, a way to handle the anxiety. I just don't know. I do know however; you integrated both the past and the present beautifully... into one emotionally charged piece of writing. Nice work.


Muse

[C. Rose]

Congratulations on being in the top ten of the first "Promote Me!" contest.
I saw your poem as a well-expanded moment with a passively witty ending.
Voting closes in a week. Your piece is currently in the lead - but who knows what could happen in a week (If you or anyone who likes your piece has yet to vote - they still can).
I invite you to join the group "Promote Me!". Your piece will be accepted into the library along with the other finalists, and should you win it will be featured.

[felioness]

What an honour! Thank you!

[Margo Seuss]

This is great. I love how you cleverly tied the flashback of the bees to the telephone conversation. The picture is a perfect representation of how I would imagine this person is feeling. You selected a juicy vocabulary and enticed me through and through with your imagery. Wonderful work. I am stung!

[nseddy]

"I could hear his breath, ragged and wretched.
My silence was a knife...and I knew it."

Very well done!

[felioness]

Thank you so much for your review. I truly appreciated your encouraging words.

[Rick r]

Wow! Really a sharp stinger in the "...silence of those minutes naked imageries and damp betrayals..." brings the reader to the essence of what is happening here. Good use of the bee imagery, and sting of the mother's tongue. A really good, emotive write. Good job.
r

[Bluefire]

Amazing.
You tell a complex story so simply and fluently, always able to find the right words.
Well done! ^^

[felioness]

Thanks so much for your review it was encouraging and made my day!

[Bluefire]

You're welcome!

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Beautiful piece, very well described. Nicely penned.

Kaze~ :-)

[felioness]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Thanks for reading!

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Your very welcome, it was my pleasure reading it. :-)