The Desert

A new love

I have been a desert

all of my life. 

Burning isolation in the day

and freezing cold at night. 

I have no trees to comfort me.

No raindrops to kiss my hands.

When I cry, I have no tears,

just the hum of wind across my sand. 

And then one day

there was you. 

In all your glory

that men aspire to.

You happened upon me 

as you were floating by,

and wanted to reach your hand

down from the sky. 

To caress the curves

of my windblown hills. 

You wanted to touch me,

and I wanted to bend to your will

because I was lonely

in my lifelong solitude. 

I thought that someone could save me, 

and maybe that someone 

could be you. 

I hoped you would always float above me.

To shield me from the sun.

That you could keep me warm

when the night grew cold,

and let me feel your voice 

in my lungs.

And so it was,

or we thought it could be,

as you grew in size 

to cover me. 

Oh, how I loved 

watching you grow.

To let your cumulonimbus blanket my soul.

And I ached for your raindrops

to quench all this thirst

that I had been feeling 

since the day of my birth. 

I didn't know it then,

and I'm not sure I believe it now,

but the truth is,

you were the only storm large enough

to cool this desert down. 

And so, it began.

One drop at a time.

Each drop that hit my sand

felt infinitely more divine. 

I have to admit I felt some fear,

as people often do,

when a light rain begins to pour

and those people have to choose

to seek a shelter from the storm,

or embrace the chaos that ensues. 

And so, my choice 

was to remain.

To allow a sea of raindrops

on this solitary plain. 

And perhaps, one day, 

a tree could grow from my sand

to bridge the gap that lies between

your opaque sky and my naked land.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

well done .. never met a desert presented in such a way .. well done indeed, says i... the personifications are pure and strong .. really like that you held it all the way through ... i feel the longing most of all .. and the tease of first coverings and driplets of rain on such a hot, dry, rounded mound of sand ... well done .. hope you will find time and inspiration to share more of your "stuff" ... right here at the Cafe'
E.

[fallon]

Thank you! What do you mean personification…. I really am a desert ;-)……. Thank you for taking your time with my work! I was hoping to portray that feeling of longing in a new romance as well as the uncertainty of the future. Thank you again

[Einstein Noodle]

well Ms. Desert, like i said ... pure and strong ;)

[Weeping willow]

Wonderful write as you bring the desert to full bloom with your words ;-]

[fallon]

Thank you for the visit and review, Miss weeping willow!

[Weeping willow]

Welcome, truly beautiful ;-}

[Dennis Wolf]

Well, to re-post the gist of the review..

Yes, it is a nice piece of work, however, to create a greater effect.. Personification and mention of actual people shouldn't be mixed in the same section.. This way, the beginning section could pass as a piece on its own, but also by adding the wandering thoughts below, you'd create a sort of.. Dreamscape with a story to tell, not just being wonderful in its own surreal way.

It's something we do in music, especially longer songs to keep things interesting (always in motion) when the chord progression ceases a moment and takes a different direction, maybe following an entirely different rhythm.. Or the key changes or even new instruments join the mix.. Or adding another melody line on top of the existing one maybe with a different rhythm even, creating polyphony..

Or what we do in sketches, using contrast to direct attention to the important details, and also to create the illusion of depth, eyeshine, etc etc

Altogether well written, there is still a sense of caution preserved at the ending.

Cheers

[fallon]

Ah there it is. I will certainly consider. Although I’m not sure I could pull it off how you just mentioned. But if I think of a way I may just do that!

[Dennis Wolf]

Well, I did have a few attempts at flash fiction length stories with similar topics, I might be able to provide an example or two of what I had in mind.. But first, coffee.

[fallon]

Haha, ok. I had to Google flash fiction. Sounds interesting! Please do share!

[Dennis Wolf]

Alright, I'll mail you.
Cheers

[Tom]

" I have been a desert
all of my life.
Burning isolation in the day
and freezing cold at night. " ....

Those opening lines immediately drew me in and kept me enthralled right up to the concluding lines, this is a quite brilliant, metaphor marvellous poem, a lovelorn soul who deeply sought refreshing love anew, enabling pastures now rich and fertile again from what was a long time, barren, mere skeleton of a woman, happy indeed now that that once beautiful aura has returned, yes, love can sure that!

Inspiring!! 😍😍😍

[fallon]

Wow! Thank you so much!
I sure am happy it captured your attention. I am really quite flattered!
There is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing that someone who writes so well could be enthralled be my writing.
Thank you again dear Tom!

[Neville]

There was nothing barren about this desert .. you massaged my mental muscle until the ache was spent and went away .. I am beginning to increasingly think you have such a way with words ma'am .. Neville

[fallon]

Thank you so much Neville!
I guess the desert just feels barren at times.
Your words mean so much to me. What a beautiful review by the way. You have quite the way with words yourself!

[Neville]

and you are more than merely welcome fallon .. 👍

[AYVID N]

Dear fallon, this was a very special rain. It saved the scape from turning into a hopeless desert. I felt a touch of remoteness yet hope in the conclusion. Indeed, we need someone to save us. Not always does the savior appear or stay. This poem flows in all its beauty of emotion. I was swept away.

[fallon]

Thank you! A little hope goes a long way!
I’m so happy you enjoyed it. Thank you for taking the time with it.

[Chris Shaw]

The desert makes a wonderful metaphor. This poem was such a pleasure to read. Beautiful poetic expression and laden with imagery. Well done fallon.

Chris

[fallon]

Thank you Chris. That means a lot to me! So happy it gave you some pleasure!

[Arundass TP]

Beautiful lines. Enjoyed reading 🙂

[fallon]

Thank you for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Betty Hermelee]

You bring the desert to life, as a being who lives and breathes and yet stuck in a drought with longing for rain to nourish the parched earth….clouds are saviors here and they create the rain that is so needed, like love is so needed…a beautiful comparison and written so well….
Thank you for sharing…
Warmly
B.

[fallon]

Thank you B!
It’s been a pleasure this Monday morning to sit and indulge in your response. Thank you for allowing me that.
I feel like you really understand what I was going for in this poem. Perhaps we all feel like a desert at times. Longing for love like the dry earth does rain.
I’m so happy you enjoyed it!
Thank you

[Betty Hermelee]

You’re very welcome!
Warmly, B