Matchmaker

A Poem by Kristen Swan

I’m a real modern day goddamn Emma. The whole city can’t believe how perfect you both look together. Beautiful and charming with souls that draw people like honey bees to sweet smelling flowers. And it only took 605 hours.

I knew you would be perfect for each other. How you both love to sing and dance and act like idiots the way we used to, not caring if someone saw. I guessed she would live for your smiles and the way you would shake your head and laugh at my stupid commentary. Now it’s her gift to cherish and I’m looking on. Elated that you’re happy but wishing it could’ve been me to make your dreams happen. But it’s all on me. I closed myself off and pushed you away like everyone else.

Austen filled my head with stupid dreams. I should’ve known I could never have someone like you. Or a normal relationship. I’ll be the best matchmaker forever. Bringing people together from all over. The perfect bridesmaid anyone could wish for. If anyone is looking I’m your girl. I’ll always be that girl.

I made this happen. Set the idea in motion. Of her and you. Now it’s this big epic whimsical romance. Something to talk about and something to envy. I can only be mad at myself.

They say unrequited but it’s really being smashed against the wall, stabbed though the only part of me that feels alive, no resistance as i’m thrown to the bottom of the ocean. And I’ll never come back up for air. No one will know and they won’t find me anywhere. And soon enough I’ll be forgotten.

I’ll take it because I know you’ll be happy with her. It’s damn hard to swallow. She’s mentally stable, not filled with abandonment issues and hollow. She’s all the things I’m not. skinny and pretty and perfect. Yeah you know she’ll be worth it. Her aura lights up the room like a ray of sun in the middle of an endless snow storm.

When they applaud me for my schemes I’ll fake my smile, biting down on my tongue until it bleeds, laughing with them and saying thanks. And hating myself a little more, wishing I could make you really see me.

Just know that if you see my crawling on my knees bloody and broken, I’ve been through there before. And I’ll be ok. Because I know that you’ll be loved. So don’t worry at all. Enjoy your beautiful forever with that angel who’s not me.